Help wife leaving Monday!

I've never posted here before and I've really not even read any posts. My wife has read a number of posts to me due to their similarity to our life. Most of the time I would glaze over and partially listen but sometimes I would catch details that would remind me of me, of course then I would completely shut down all listening. Well now I'm in dire straits, searching for a way to show her how I really feel, how much she really means to me. Her life with me  has been a roller coaster with each dip dropping lower then the last. We haven't lived in the same residence for more then 3 years in our 20 years together, I have had multiple careers, been successful at each only to quit or be removed for stupid reasons. I opened a business (against her better judgement) and lost everything. Each time I promise Never Again, and I mean it. Then something falls through the cracks and I go to jail or spend the rent money or or or...It has been a never ending cycle and she has finally given up. A number of years ago, we were going through a particular bad period, and I had an emotional affair  with a married woman who formerly worked for me. It was not physical, it was more of me just getting a friendship need filled that because of my ADHD I did not know how to respond to my wife's desperate pleas to reconnect. I hid the affair  until today., when She discovered yet another brainless ADD moment, where I permitted another guy to open a facebook account in my name to prank a friend. The aforementioned woman contacted it and the guy started conversation. He made me aware of it, and I didn't stop him until I felt to guilty to allow him to continue. Even though he did all of the actual contact, it was me essentially replying to this woman and we restarted the affair. after a month I found out my friend had continued the conversation and made arrangements for us to me. It was then I put a stop to it and did not go back to the account. She is devastated, not only did this facebook thing occur but when she confronted me, what did I do-Lie- of course. I'm at a total loss. Things got physical and we both suffered. She called a friend to make arrangements to leave. I hate the fact that she is hurting so bad,which she claims is not hurt but rage, and I want to rectify the entire situation, but I don't know how to convince her that I won't lie anymore.  Any comments or advice will be greatly appreciated. Your experience is greatly valued in this home. I want her to be happy, and I want to rebuild what has been damaged. I need to find a way to show her what exactly she is-a wonderful, intelligent woman, an awesome friend, full of love and generosity, she is everything good thing in my life and the mother of my son. I know she doesn't feel appreciated because I havn't shown her for a long time and even then it was all or nothing. All being huge romantic gestures and nothing being exactly that--nothing. I don't blame her for wanting no needing to leave, which she has plans to do on Monday, but I know I can put forth the required effort to get in check and rebuild, I just need to know how to start. PLease help, I don't want to lose her. She has been apply lessons she is learning from codendency books, and has been trying to help me but I ignored it. I spent most of my time working or playing games or watching tv. She did calm down enough to talk to me while we sart on the floor(safe) and poured out her heart to me that all she wanted was the truth so we could move forward. I suppose the calm way and sincere words helped me open up. She was obviously hurt and said there are only two options, she leaves forever or I get my act together and get the treatment I need and rebuild the trust account.

You have taken a step in the right direction...

It seems that you now understand how ADD is affecting your marriage and I don't know how long you have known about your ADD, but I know where you are... I thought my life was about to Super-Nova with similar circumstances to yours and I had anxiety/panic attacks that got me to call the doc about them and my ADD was diagnosed at age 43. You cannot stop anything that your wife is thinking about doing right now. You have to get your ADD under control with meds, therapy and much reading and re-learning ways to cope. This is not going to happen over night and as it was put to me, you have an empty "Trust Bucket" with you wife and you are going to have to slowly refill it one good choice at a time. Apologize to your wife and promise her you will be a better person and can be a better husband. She may just need a sign that you have a clue about how bad things are. It may be too late and this is not in your control at this point. 

I don't want to be a downer to you as So Many ADDer's, especially guys, never admit there is an issue. You have already done this, which is a great start! My marriage has survived to this point after 2.5 years of hard work and it is not over yet. Things can get better, but you have to do the work. You have to let your wife begin to see your improvements, but not expect a pat on the back for every success. It takes a long time to change the "Perception/Prediction" of what we ADDer's will do/not do, remember/forget and make a good/bad choice when tempted by the impulse.

There are many here on both sides of the ADD Fence who have been a great resource to me and I'm sure they will be for you too.

Good luck! 

Thanks, YYZ, an update..

Sorry I didn't reply sooner...Thanks for replying. I just wanted to let you know I was encouraged by your reply. I didn't get back because all hell broke loose when she discovered more stupid, juvenile things that I had done and hidden from her. I don't have time to get into the details, but I will later. I almost lost her, things got so bad, she, who never drinks, downed an entire bottle of Whiskey and her Xanax one day after a fight and I stormed out. This is not like her at all. She is the strongest, most positive woman I know, always helping and encouraging others never to give up. I came home and found her on the kitchen floor, surrounded by mementos I had given her over the years. That was my AHA! moment. The woman I adored and loved more than life was crumpled, heartbroken, and had given up. In that moment looking at my beautiful,precious wife, I knew I did this to her...  When I pulled her up, she was barely concious but still weeping... she started throwing up, which probably saved her.She survived. This is NOT the way you want to get or give that moment of awakening, sadly for us, it took this for me to finally come to grips with my ADHD, my character flaws, selfishness and all the rest of the baggage.

What I wanted to share today was something my amazing wife started doing because we so often ended up arguing, or fighting over the same stuff..because I still have trouble not being defensive or losing my temper.  We've been doing this for a couple of weeks, every. single. night. Every night I go to bed first, so I would go into the bedroom and sit on the floor. She would come in a few minutes later and stand by the door. She would ask me these questions in a soft voice. 1. What did you learn today? 2. What went wrong today? 3. What went right today? What can we do to make tomorrow better? What are you grateful for? She told me to give short consise answers and not think too hard, whatever came to mind first. She rarely responds to my answers other than to get a simple clarification. Then I ask her if she wants to cuddle or get intimate. I accept whatever choice she makes, even if it's no to both. The next day we may discuss my answers but we keep it short. Things have been so much better, it helps me focus and reflect, one day at a time. I'm changing behaviors, attitudes, learning to understand myself and my wife with this exercise. I know this may not work for everyone, but if you are willing to do whatever you have to save your marriage, this was very helpful to me. My wife has self control and knows that is not the time to get into my answers or criticize or even praise. It is a time of reflection for both of us. I can't explain why it helps us not fight during the day, but it does help prevent it for us.  This is just one of the things that she came up with. She also bought me Focus Factor, a supplement that I take every day until I can afford to get on meds. It helps me focus and concentrate at work and I'm doing better at home with it. I work 12 and 14 hours a day. 

I know now that ADHD is not  a hopeless  death sentence for marriage and that some of  us do "get it" and there is hope, but we both have to work at it every day. Some days are easier than others and some days it feels like you go 20 steps back, but for me the good days outweigh the bad now. There is much more that I want to share for those of you who haven't given up hope. My wife thought I should tell my story to help , since I've learned a lot from the other posters here. She continued reading and sharing with me. It's hard to listen sometimes because of the pain, sorrow and heartbreak of so many, but it is a reminder for me to keep at it every.single day. Thanks for sharing eveyone.


YYZ, My wife suggested I go to a doctor to get a diagnosis, about 18 years ago, she suspected from our Wedding day that something was "off" with me. I've been on and off meds since then, usally off when the insurance stopped or I messed up our finances. We are working on getting me back on soon, it did make a huge differance for me.


This is great to hear

I am glad things have improved for you and your wife. It sounds like you have a good communication system in place and this repetition should make communication easier for you and give your wife some much needed affirmation of your involvement in the marriage. We ADDers must show the same patience that was shown by our Non-ADD spouses for the years before our "Ah-Ha!" moment. Time can heal much of the pain, but we have to be consistent in improving our behaviors and both need to be able to forgive the things from the past.

Keep up the great work!