HELP...I am the non-ADD spouse and our marriage is on the rocks

A lot of the issues we have revolve around his ADD - Ritalin isn't working but right now it's the only thing we can afford, even with insurance the other meds are SO expensive!  Anyway, it has driven a huge wedge between us - I'm sure this issue isn't new to this forum.  I've not made the best decisions as a result of the frustration and stress from not knowing how to deal with his ADD.  I've even considered leaving but dammit, I love this man.  We separated a while back and I met someone else so that's been an issue too.  I don't want my marriage to end but I don't know how much more I can deal with and I don't want to be alone.  So, I've maintained contact with this guy...yes I know this doesn't help matters any...I know this.  I've promised not to but it seems that the more the ADD gets worse, the more contact with this guy increases.  I've deleted all ways of contact with him as of this morning and I am really going to try my hardest to figure out how to make my marriage work.  Working with kids who have AD/HD (ADD) is much easier than dealing with my husband.  I hate admitting any of this but I believe in being upfront if I want help or advice.  So, judge me if you want, but if you are living with an ADD spouse then maybe you can understand why things are as they are.  I'd much rather have my marriage in tact and the ADD in my husband controlled (it tends to raise his frustration level which leads to anger - at least he's not at the level he was when we separated) so we can be happy again.  I know he loves me, at least he says he does.  But because of my relationship issue, he doesn't feel that I am capable of changing either.  Sigh.  So...this is where I am this morning as I sit here typing this out and having my first cup of coffee.  I don't want to have an affair...I really want my marriage back.  But I am lonesome, frustrated, angry, and feeling lost right now. 

So sorry

Have you read Orlov's book? She did a nice job showing how both partners do damage and has good suggestions on how to go forward. Perhaps a different meds mix would help. Gabapentin, super cheap, helped my dh w mood issues. Also, is he getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising? All help a lot. Meanwhile you can only control your own behavior. Treat him how you want to be treated. Take care of yourself. Try to reduce family stressors. Try to make sure you say something nice, not obsequious, every day. Try to remember why you fell in love and find some time to have fun together. Good luck.

KarenCee's picture

Thank you

Thank you Shelley for your response.  No, I haven't read her book yet but it's high on my list of things to do immediately.  I take Gabapentin for fibromyalgia and my doctor just increased my level of medication just a few days ago and I've noticed a difference not only in the pain but my mood.  I never thought about that for my husband - thank you for the suggestion.  You are right about my behaviour, I'm the only one who can control that and now that I've done a lot of research and reading and that is helping me figure me out in all this.   I know my own behaviour has not helped at all and there's certainly no justification for it. We've already discussed the need for more couple time as well as family time.  He works a lot of hours and we've discussed that this is something that he needs to look into changing if possible, which would mean a job change - huge stressor for him so we just don't discuss it. 

Sigh, such a long way to go!