Here we go again....another year just went by

So I tried to be in a really good mood today and woke up early as usual on a Sunday morning to go to the gym and my 5 yrs old was up already at 7am and she wished me a "happy birthday" and then she turned to my husband and said " wish mommy a happy birthday"  and he just mumble it from the other room not bothering to get up from the couch ( yes, again he slept on the living room).

It was a pretty busy day today by having to take the kids for a presentation at church anniversary in the morning then a photo session for a coming up recital in the afternoon but still I did it without complaining or nagging. Now it is night and still I am sitting here hoping that this year would be different but no "happy birthday", no card, no cake....nothing. It is just insulting to me that I ask him about a cake or a lunch and he replied "you really want it?". He has no money, he always say he has no money but come on a person's bday is only once a year...a are or a cake will get anyone that broke? 

But what is really ticking me off is that he announced last month that his cousin/wife and son are coming over for a two night stay and we had a huge argument already regarding that because I told him that I don t feel comfortable having anyone over if he doesn't clean all the mess in the house, he said he would clean and I made clear that I want and the house need a deep clean. Now we are one week away from it, the house is not any better than last month and tonight I took the kids to see grandma for  2 hours and before I left I asked him if he could handle and focus on the cleaning, he replied " no problem, I just took my medication". When I got home everything was the same, dishes from this morning was still in the sink and he only manage to move one sofa from one side to the other side of the room. I looked at it in disbelieve and he said he had everything in control then he showed me that he wrote on top of my sketch for the room layout that living room for Sunday, family room for Monday and kids room for Tuesday and Wednesday... argh!!!!! Now he is on his computer chatting away on a blog and pretty soon he will go sleep again (he took a 2hrs nap while I was driving my older kid for photo session).

I just can't seem to look at the bright side of any thing anymore because he has too much unfinished project around the house or project need around the house that he ignores. We got the house 6 years ago and he decided to put a fence by himself, so he worked on it after work for about 2 weeks and he left it undone (but he assured that it is completed), it was supposed to have lights on top of the columns and a automatic fence. And on the process of doing the fence he broke the automatic sprinklers systems, which I finally got someone to fix it for me end of last year and in less than a month he broke some of the heads and now it won't work on all garden. He was supposed to put a fan on my youngest child room, we bought the fan 5 years ago, it sat on the living room for about 3 years then he took it out of the box, put on the ceiling with a bunch of tape on it then it doesn't turn, so he left as it is for another year and then he went black took all the tapes and did whatever he did and still fan is not turning and light still off until today. When we bought the house he first also wanted to do all the painting himself but it didn't work so he finally hired someone to do it but he paid for only the walls. He took all the outlet covers off and never put them back on and my laundry room there is no light on it because he won't install it back. Then on the front  door he put a blue tape around it because he wanted to paint it until today the tape still there and he won't let me take it off because he said he will paint the door! I am not a very neat person either but I do my best to clean up after myself and the kids but the things he does and let the kids do it is just too much. It drives me insane. I tried to look away and now I just think the house is just a pile of trash on every single room. I am so tired of having to sleep with dirty dished in the sink almost every night when he is supposed to clean it " is theory is that he can't sleep without a dirty dish on the sink". He comes home and just throw his clothes on the side of the bed and does that everyday so if I don't put on the basket, they will just keep piling off on the side of the bed. If I point out some of the stuffs to be clean then he turn to me and say " look at your mess". I can't keep clean and then have him and the kids turn upside in less than a couple hours. It is too insane for me and I decided I won't do it. The house work really stressed me out, until last year I had a nanny that would help keeps things kind in control, now that she has been gone for about 9 months, I feel like just keeping sinking down on quick sand. I keep telling myself that tomorrow I will just throw everything out but then I just look around and I am worn out. I feel lost, I feel that I am a messy person like him, I am ashamed to have anyone come to my house, only family members come and I can see the disapproval. It is somehow always the women's fault that the house is messy, the kids are not polite and so on.

why it is so hard for my husband to just get some of the work done, it is his cousin that is coming over. Why he doesn't feel ashamed of the dirtiness of the house? Or why it doesn't bother him when people comments that the house needs some cleaning? What is the matter? Hygiene is not important? 

As I stated on my previous posts, I lost my job 1/2 yrs ago and now I can't afford much...I can't get the sprinkler fixed, I can't hire handyman to get my faucets fixed, or the fan fixed or the lights installed or the door painted. Even without a job I am still reponsible for paying some of the bills (which these past couple of months felt like the majority of the bills) and he seems like he doesn't care how we will pay the bills on the following months...he just can't get off the blog for his hobbie, sometimes I feel like smashing that phone off!!!

it is a pretty long own birthday gift for me this year! To a better future...I hope...