Here we go again....another year just went by

So I tried to be in a really good mood today and woke up early as usual on a Sunday morning to go to the gym and my 5 yrs old was up already at 7am and she wished me a "happy birthday" and then she turned to my husband and said " wish mommy a happy birthday"  and he just mumble it from the other room not bothering to get up from the couch ( yes, again he slept on the living room).

It was a pretty busy day today by having to take the kids for a presentation at church anniversary in the morning then a photo session for a coming up recital in the afternoon but still I did it without complaining or nagging. Now it is night and still I am sitting here hoping that this year would be different but no "happy birthday", no card, no cake....nothing. It is just insulting to me that I ask him about a cake or a lunch and he replied "you really want it?". He has no money, he always say he has no money but come on a person's bday is only once a year...a are or a cake will get anyone that broke? 

But what is really ticking me off is that he announced last month that his cousin/wife and son are coming over for a two night stay and we had a huge argument already regarding that because I told him that I don t feel comfortable having anyone over if he doesn't clean all the mess in the house, he said he would clean and I made clear that I want and the house need a deep clean. Now we are one week away from it, the house is not any better than last month and tonight I took the kids to see grandma for  2 hours and before I left I asked him if he could handle and focus on the cleaning, he replied " no problem, I just took my medication". When I got home everything was the same, dishes from this morning was still in the sink and he only manage to move one sofa from one side to the other side of the room. I looked at it in disbelieve and he said he had everything in control then he showed me that he wrote on top of my sketch for the room layout that living room for Sunday, family room for Monday and kids room for Tuesday and Wednesday... argh!!!!! Now he is on his computer chatting away on a blog and pretty soon he will go sleep again (he took a 2hrs nap while I was driving my older kid for photo session).

I just can't seem to look at the bright side of any thing anymore because he has too much unfinished project around the house or project need around the house that he ignores. We got the house 6 years ago and he decided to put a fence by himself, so he worked on it after work for about 2 weeks and he left it undone (but he assured that it is completed), it was supposed to have lights on top of the columns and a automatic fence. And on the process of doing the fence he broke the automatic sprinklers systems, which I finally got someone to fix it for me end of last year and in less than a month he broke some of the heads and now it won't work on all garden. He was supposed to put a fan on my youngest child room, we bought the fan 5 years ago, it sat on the living room for about 3 years then he took it out of the box, put on the ceiling with a bunch of tape on it then it doesn't turn, so he left as it is for another year and then he went black took all the tapes and did whatever he did and still fan is not turning and light still off until today. When we bought the house he first also wanted to do all the painting himself but it didn't work so he finally hired someone to do it but he paid for only the walls. He took all the outlet covers off and never put them back on and my laundry room there is no light on it because he won't install it back. Then on the front  door he put a blue tape around it because he wanted to paint it until today the tape still there and he won't let me take it off because he said he will paint the door! I am not a very neat person either but I do my best to clean up after myself and the kids but the things he does and let the kids do it is just too much. It drives me insane. I tried to look away and now I just think the house is just a pile of trash on every single room. I am so tired of having to sleep with dirty dished in the sink almost every night when he is supposed to clean it " is theory is that he can't sleep without a dirty dish on the sink". He comes home and just throw his clothes on the side of the bed and does that everyday so if I don't put on the basket, they will just keep piling off on the side of the bed. If I point out some of the stuffs to be clean then he turn to me and say " look at your mess". I can't keep clean and then have him and the kids turn upside in less than a couple hours. It is too insane for me and I decided I won't do it. The house work really stressed me out, until last year I had a nanny that would help keeps things kind in control, now that she has been gone for about 9 months, I feel like just keeping sinking down on quick sand. I keep telling myself that tomorrow I will just throw everything out but then I just look around and I am worn out. I feel lost, I feel that I am a messy person like him, I am ashamed to have anyone come to my house, only family members come and I can see the disapproval. It is somehow always the women's fault that the house is messy, the kids are not polite and so on.

why it is so hard for my husband to just get some of the work done, it is his cousin that is coming over. Why he doesn't feel ashamed of the dirtiness of the house? Or why it doesn't bother him when people comments that the house needs some cleaning? What is the matter? Hygiene is not important? 

As I stated on my previous posts, I lost my job 1/2 yrs ago and now I can't afford much...I can't get the sprinkler fixed, I can't hire handyman to get my faucets fixed, or the fan fixed or the lights installed or the door painted. Even without a job I am still reponsible for paying some of the bills (which these past couple of months felt like the majority of the bills) and he seems like he doesn't care how we will pay the bills on the following months...he just can't get off the blog for his hobbie, sometimes I feel like smashing that phone off!!!

it is a pretty long vent...my own birthday gift for me this year! To a better future...I hope...

Tired old man's picture

Happy Birthday, Cottonbear!!

  Sincerely, I wish you the best and wish I could have somehow made your Day a little better.  You do deserve recognition, even with a simple hug or a smile.  At least your 5 year old had enough emotional clarity to know what was important at that moment.  I don't know if you had mentioned in another posting that your husband recognized his condition, was on medication, or maybe had some additional depressive issues.  If so, it seems to me that they need to be reevaluated.  In any case, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

  My birthday this past summer wasn't much better.  My ADD wife remembered to say "Happy Birthday", only after she, too, was reminded by our 10 y.o. child, of what the day was.  On that day, she went out all day to visit some of her friends, leaving me to care for our daughter, while I worked my full time job (home based) which both require a great amount of attention and effort.  Later that afternoon, when she got home from being gone all day, she announced that she was going out again for the evening, this time to one of her regular weeknight writers support groups and would see our daughter in the morning.  Our daughter got furious, in that she hadn't seen her mother all day, which caused my wife to become reactive and the two got into a real fight.  My daughter has long felt that "Mommy avoids me" and aches for connection, but my wife is unable to see my daughter's emotional perspective.  (For the record, my wife does not spend nearly enough time with her and I think my daughter's  feelings of resentment are appropriate.)  So at 8 pm, on a work night, my daughter has locked herself in her room, screaming and crying from anger, loneliness, and loss of her mother's time, and my wife has walked out of the house in a huff, resentful that our daughter requires so much time and attention and that it impedes on her own need for personal time and creative space.  I respond, as usual, as the emotional fireman of the house and spent about 45 minutes calming my daughter down and reminding her that Mommy's brain doesn't work the same as hers or mine and that she really does love her and cares for her.  After that, I had to walk around the neighborhood, trying to find my wife, where I found her sitting under the neighbor's tree, fuming that our daughter is so demanding and controlling.  I tried to reflect some perspective to her, nothing that she had been gone all day, that she had hinted that she would have some craft time with her and that she hadn't reminded our daughter that tonight was the usual meeting night.  It took about half an hour to get her calmed down and another 10 minutes to get them both into the kitchen to talk to each other.  Again, I had to play therapist, and got both to recognize that everybody had some unmet needs and that we, collectively, had to improve the way we all communicate.  I finally got my daughter to bed about 11 pm, which is a job that my wife usually does, but she wanted nothing to do with Mommy anymore that day.  After all was said and done, I went down to the den, where I live and sleep (and work), and poured myself my yearly shot of Lagavulin.  Happpy Birthday, Tired Old Man, I said to myself.  Another year.  Then I went to bed wondering how the next would start.

barneyarff's picture

I'm really sorry that your

I'm really sorry that your birthday was ignored.  That is wrong simply because I'm sure you are expected to celebrate his birthday.  It'd be different if birthdays weren't important at your house, but it's so one sided I would bet.

What I don't understand is this:

While dating, my DH would remember my birthday, plan for it, bring gifts, etc.

Now we are married and he forgets.  OK, so I'm told that he was hyperfocused on me while dating and now I'm not nearly as interesting.  Excuse me, but I'm his wife.  I am very interesting and why isn't he hyperfocused on me?  I deserve to be hyperfocused on. In fact, I have stayed hyperfocused on him all my married life because I THOUGHT that was what a married couple did---focus on each other, have each others' back against the world.  Go have glorious adventures together.  Us against the world!  WHEE!

So now I'm told MY hyperfocus is being codependent.  Once again I'm wrong.  When the ADHD person is wrong, they get to snarl, back away and not do anything because it's part of their symptoms.  I OTOH, am supposed to buck up.  So I will.  Not that my DH will like it.

Back to birthdays.   I don't know about you but I have evidence that my DH knows when my birthday is and that a wrapped gift is nice.  The evidence is that he's done it pre-marriage.   Even though I have all the birthdays written on the calendar, he doesn't remember them, except, of course for his own birthday which he remembers quite well.  Guess he can still hyperfocus on himself.  Once again, ignoring birthdays is fine with me as long as he's OK that I ignore his.

The more I read here and the more books I read convinces me that mostly what I'm dealing with is a spoiled whiny brat.  I concede that I have contributed to him becoming spoiled and whiny because I felt guilty that he had such a pathetic childhood and that life, as a young adult, pooped all over him.  In fact the way I let him manipulate me into so much was his GUARENTEE that he would hold up his side of the bargain if I would only....fill in the blank.  I let myself be played.  I expect that out of a child but not an adult partner.  To be honest I think it's the ADHD person who is in control simply because they get the non ADHD spouse to cover for them, do most of the work, etc while they go play.  It's my experience that ADHders are master manipulators.

   OH!!!!!  I finally called his mother about the used bike incident.  (DH used to sit and pout about how as a kid he got a used bike instead of a new one on his birthday because he had "Gotten into a little bit of trouble at school that day".  This whining happened mostly when I was trying to clean the house and asking him to help)   DH's Mom was furious.  They had bought DH and his brother brand new Schwinn bikes.  She has pictures.   All I could think of was "HEY!  All I got was a Huffy. and I've been feeling sorry for this person all these years??!!?"

I've been unfocused.  Chemo will do that. I know what it is like.  It isn't fun.  But even then, I would try to figure out how to work around it.  Remember when I wrote about people calling about overdue bills and DH not dealing with it?  I got the kids to help me to read the check numbers over the phone while in bed, wracked with cancer, no hair, etc.  And I tried to keep my life simple enough so I could manage it.  It wore me out but I simply gave up more and more until I had the amount I could manage.

Why can't I expect a highly educated healthy man to do the same?  Why won't he simplify his life to the point he can manage it?  It's because he ***knows*** I have his back and will cover for him.   If this were an equal, adult relationship, he would try to adjust his lifestyle to fit what he could manage so I would not have that burden.  Instead he expects me to keep picking up the pieces.  Once again, I don't think I'm the one who has been in control in this relationship.  I think I have allowed myself to become a slave.   I have let him get away with WAAAAY to much.  But no more.  He can pout all he wants.  Tough.

 

I hear you

Yes, I totally understand about the hyper focus before marriage and now it is like "what? I don't get any things?" It feels more like he treats strangers and giving them more attention than I can get.  One of his answer to me was that "he is not my father so he doesn't need to care, provide or love me", it hurt really bad the beginning and now I am slowly feeling numb to all his comments and behavior. I think it is a good start...because I married this man because I truly loved him but I think that there is only this much that any person can take it...so slowly I am getting there, no feeling is much easier to think clearly and find a solution out...that is my goal.

i think I do a lot,for my husband but still he only see me as a negative, super controlling person and he never acknowledge that I do things that he will ever be able to do it...for him he can do anything I do. It is like whatever I do is not appreciated at all. He told his family that I control him so much that he slot himself....what? The only thing was that I hate him leaving to go for his hobbies when I just had a newborn or when he leave for the whole weekend and I am with two,toddler in tow...

I am too searching for the answer why can this grown man manage his time and affair better? Why I need to constantly remind him about getting the kids to school on time or follow a routine with them? Why can he makes personal hygiene a priority?!!! Argh!!!!

Yes, I do feel the same way sometimes that I am a slave and he always tell me that I never do anything for him. 

Thank you

Thank you for your response. Yes my husband takes minimal dosage of medication (and still he will take half of a pill because he said he doesn't need that much) and he assures that he is an expert of ADD because he read lots do book and web site, but he only focus on the verbal nod negative side of the partner. 

I am sorry to hear that you too had to go thru a such a heartache situation due to (I strongly believe) selfishness act from the spouse. My husband remembered for sure it was my bday because the school had schedule the photo session for my child way ahead and a week before he mention " oh, no...right on your birthday". Silly me here thought that because of that comment he somehow had planned something ( which he did last year but ignored the previous years). Really I wasn't  expecting fancy dinner, flowers, gifts or a trip to Paris!!!! Come on a tiny cupcake (I usually do that to the kids bday to not let the day goes by unnoticed if the bday falls on a weekday) with a candle where my kids could sing for me. I gave up on giving him gifts after the first time he ignored my bday but still every year I go and buy a cake so my kids can celebrate it with him. My 5 yrs old went out her way and told everyone (literally) that yesterday was my bday...the Sunday school teachers and friends...what made it a lovely say was that all those people even 5 yrs old kids came and wished me " happy bday".  Still my husband was a cold as an iceberg. 

It is very tiring living with someone that doesn't see or respect the same things as you do. We have major issues about time...I hate being late to anything and him it seems that everyone will wait for him. I wake up everyday at 7 am to do my kids breakfast and I had to start timing them due to the fact they can drag it for almost 2 hrs, and I would be screaming for them to finish in order to brush and change clothes and get to school on time. My husband would be angry at me because I would do that that he would come later and later at night or not come home at all because he said he would rather stay out instead seem me yelling and going crazy about the kids. So my new approach was get up fix the breakfast, wake up the kids, put the timer on and go back to sleep, then the kids will come look for him and he would be in charge to help them finish eating and get them clean for school....the down side...it never gets done on time if I am on my room...8:30am rolls by and the youngest one still trying to finish food and the oldest one was jumping, pulling all the toys everywhere around the house. So I have to come out from my room and ask them to finish it up and get dress to get to school by 9 am. Still he doesn't think it is a big deal...everything takes him 5 minutes to get where he wants to, even though it clear needs a 15 min but he won't admit it. 

My kids loves him so he always throw at me that they are happier with him. I look at him in disbelieve that he strongly believe that he need to be their buddy and not their dad. He only plays, he can't help my older kid with homework, he can't ask them to listen to him so you hear lost of " please, please, please, please don't do that" , I see no authority on him toward of my kids....it is like he is afraid that the wont like him if he starts to demand respect from them. They jump all over him and won't do things he wants until I hear him beg for hours!!!! With me as soon as I walk in the room and them I called their attention that their are misbehaving again they will have a change of mode which for my husband is really bad because I want to control them all the time. 

Well...I feel that I am alone on a marriage and raising my kids.

hope your next bday will be a better one. For me I am on my way to get myself a cupcake and indulge on it.