Submitted by un12720 on 12/09/2017.
Greetings:
am new to this forum and would appreciate any feedback.
Am a non-ADHD spouse married to an ADHD husband. Over the years, a certain behavior has repeatedly shown itself. It seems that H becomes infatuated with certain people without really knowing much about them. These people are sometimes co-workers, trainers at the gym and other acquaintances. They may be male or female. It is not my impression that this behavior is sexual or romantic in nature. It is more like a unfounded admiration.
Curious as to whether others have ever encountered this type of behavior.
Thank you for listening.
Addendum to hero worship
Submitted by un12720 on
My entry needs some clarification. I neglected to mention that this behavior is bothersome to me, primarily because I feel totally ignored by my spouse. According to H, I possess no admirable qualities and, basically, fall short in many areas. So, when H sings the praises of folks he barely knows, it is hurtful to me.
Any thoughts?
Misplaced attention
Submitted by jennalemone on
I have something similar...although I cannot put it into words - it "feels" the same as what you are describing. With us, it is not exactly like he finds heroes to adore, but he "flirts" with some people (men, women, children that he "gets a rise out of") like a "love sick teenager" leaning in and leering into their eyes all Fred Astaire a-sparkling. Then turns to me with a disdainful scowl and no words of communion at all.
I know that if he and I were to meet for the first time today, he would be all a-sparkle with me. But with me (in marriage), there are responsibilities and expectations that he does not want to bear. Much more fun is the challenge of the chase and victory of new attention. This is so sad to me. I envisioned a partnership of a different sort. When I asked H what his definition of "Love" is, he said "It is when you feel pleasure". That is the definition of a teenager without responsibilities or adult commitment answer. And that is where he is on the evolution of maturity and commitment. Something like "If it feels good, it must be love" with a lack of forethought into any shared agreements or endeavors other than the current fun-filled moment.
It is lack of commitment to love (the kind of love that includes caring about the welfare of the loved one) and marriage (the kind of partnership that feels mutual kindred intimacy and trust and work and a little sacrifice from both parties) that gives me the same feeling as you describe....being left in the dust holding the tattered remains of hope and wistfulness.
I hear you, un12720. It does not feel like commitment or love. Your and my spouses's chasing of shiny objects feel like rejection to us. We have no affect on them other than repulsion of the commitment they "impulsively?" made and forgot.
Even though...re-reading my own entry, this feels and reads like "Wah, wah", I am not going to delete or change it. Some days a person just wants to stop trying to put a pretty bow on their self esteem and cry out with their reality to people who share a similar sadness.
No need to put a bow on it
Submitted by vabeachgal on
No need to put a bow on it. Reality based living is good. I think many of us have experienced this behavior in one form or another. My H can tell me everything about everyone else's lives ... but precious little about the lives of anyone closest to him. We're not shiny and new. It's not quite hero worship but he is exhibiting attention and displaying effort for others whereas he does not exhibit it at home. It definitely can feel rejecting. There's no need for me to share details or examples...
thank you
Submitted by un12720 on
You have done an excellent job of explaining the phenomena. H's behavior definitely reminds me of a 'love sick teenager'.
No need to apologize for your comments. Thank you for sharing with me
I am the non-ADHD former wife
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I am the non-ADHD former wife of a man with ADHD. My ex didn't exhibit hero worship but he did become friends with several women (NOT in sexual or romantic ways) in the latter years of our marriage and it definitely seemed that he liked talking to them more than he liked talking to me. I felt hurt as a result.
I relate and I am still in the chaos
Submitted by TanyaD on
There is so much from your past and present posts that I relate to. I hope you are in a better place without your spouse to take care of and without being his subject to abuse. Thank you for all your transparency. It is helpful to share so much struggle with others in this forum. I am in the divorce process currently, and over a year ago my ex reconnected with her sister, and proceeded to start a life plan with her while still being married to me. It happened quickly and as I was still trying to keep our life's responsibilities together, my spouse abandoned our home and our business, and all financial obligations. I relate to so many non-ADHD partners descriptions with feeling lonely, forgotten, and not acknowledged, but I do believe my spouse had additional issues.When my ex started talking to her sibling again after an 8 year disconnect, I supported it as a good thing, but it got strange. Hour long phone conversations were something I never experienced with my spouse, so it was odd after 8 months of this became normal. Obsessive lifestyle changes that were directed by her sibling started affecting our life, and this was on top of all the regular ADHD marital issues. Then I found an email with my spouse discussing the closing of our business with her sibling advising on how to proceed with a closure. This connection became toxic with the two of them speaking poorly of me, and then came the victimization overload. Today, after the spousal abandonment, the verbal abuse, mental abuse, constant blame for everything that went downhill due to my spouses abandonment, and the trauma of being forced to carry out our responsibilities alone, I do believe there is more to my experiences than ADHD. I see ADHD as a side note to the undiagnosed illness that my spouse is dealing with. Empathy is not found, and a complete disconnect with accountability. Gratitude was rarely expressed towards me in our marriage, but zero is found after I paid all bills, closed our business and even as I take care of our home. Only disdain and random attacks are existent when we do hv contact. Thankfully, I only communicate these days for extremely necessary communication, and I'm always prepared for the insults and lies that will be attached to these brief communications. I truly believe my spouse wanted me to break into little pieces and disappear. For the first six months of this chaos, I wasn't sure I'd be ok. It has been the most traumatic experience of my life, and I'm a childhood trauma survivor already. This is the most terrifying experience I've had because I loved, and trusted my spouse.
Over and over again
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I’ve watched my husband become infatuated with and latch on to sooooo many people over the years. It can be a man or a woman. It’s not romantic in nature, but sometimes I think others misunderstand his intentions. I think the newness of the relationship is creating some kind of chemical (adrenaline, dopamine,??) in his brain that he can’t prodce naturally. He is an adrenaline junkie. He needs new relationships and extreme or stressful situations everyday, all the time.
I’m not shiny and new anymore (haven’t been in over twenty years). So I’ll never be the object of his attention again. Watching his excitement over all of these other relationships, while he ignores me, has caused me to be an extremely jealous person. I don’t want to be jealous or controlling, but I don’t know how to overcome it.
New and shiny
Submitted by MrsADD on
I think u r correct the new shiny thing obsession with new relationships that aren't really friendships but aquantences with people just met. My add spouse is like this. It is weird. Loves new. And everything gets old quick. Unfortunately as my daughter gets older I am seeing these same issues with her. I am worried.
Hopeful Heart....Don't allow his actions, to mold you....
Submitted by c ur self on
( I don’t want to be jealous or controlling, but I don’t know how to overcome it. )
You seem to see through his immature behaviors when it comes to being fueled by contact w/ strangers...This is something common w/ many add minds (same here)...I also (before I understood it) felt threatened by that kind of engagement with others for years...Basically unfiltered speaking and acting w/ people you don't even know....I've learned to ignore it for the most part....We can't allow it to be about us, and that's what we do when we allow it to create insecurities in us (jealousy etc...).....
There is only one way to handle this type mind....Walk away!....If you point out their disrespect they will always flip it....They will always justify any behavior they choose, and judge you as being full of insecurities when you point it out....But, I've learned to walk away and not be drug down by their actions, and their justifications and excuses for those actions....
Any time we succumb to trying to fix un-fixable situations, we start breaking ourselves....The power to be a therapist isn't found in a spouse....We at best can walk way and hope that they will look in the mirror when they continue to find themselves alone in life....
Most venting on this forum (in my own life and marriage) is built around this one premise, more than anything else....The desire to control and change another person!
We marry a person who is nothing like us, then we fight and fight to change them to suit us.....That's the plight of most Non's and Adders from both sides....
C
Un12720, I've known this also
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Welcome to the forum. My husband has done this our entire marriage. He still does. He sings the praises of SO many other people, and notices very little if anything about me. It is diaheartning. I had to pull away from him emotionally and even physically for self survival. It hasn't mattered how many ways I've tried to communicate my "needs" or wants, he disregards them. Its like he's been emotionally stunted and stays about 12 or 13 years old and doesn't strive to get any older or learn anything else. He does take meds for his ADHD, (periodically) but doesn't do any therapy or self learning about his condition.
The "shiny and new" aspect of ADHD is real. They LOVE new things, and we are not new any more. What's sad is that they themselves will not AID in their own treatment to help make their own lives better, let alone OUR lives. Its not a "marriage" for sure, and I for one KNOW him asking me to marry him was just another one of his "impulsive" decisions. Its really crappy to know I was just an "impulse" and not something he CHOSE to love. He's made most of the decisions in his life impulsively, and regretted most of them. It boggles the mind why he continues to stay in denial, ewhen there is so much help available.
I'm considering more options now, because the ADHD is off the charts and he's not being evaluated......(and co-morbidity) and so its hard to move forward when we can't deal with the main issues at hand......together....and separately. One can't have a marriage alone.....its just two people living in the same house.
valuable insight
Submitted by un12720 on
Thank you, dedelight4. Your description of H's behavior completely mirrors my experience. The 'shiny and new' is so very accurate and I, too, believe that our marriage was based on a 'whim.'
Been there.
Submitted by Chevron on
Been there.
Lol, tell him every time he does that to you, you're going to go out and buy something feminine for yourself, beginning with a cashmere sweater.
J/k : )
Although a pair of earrings or a new eyeshadow or sweater wouldnt hurt.
"Shiney","New","Hero's".........
Submitted by kellyj on
Hey all, this is a perfect thread to weave into some thoughts I've had about this lately independently, before coming here today.
I was thinking of redefining these words into :"ADHDese"..... and possibly some more insight coming from the inside scoop... and putting that into perspective. This is where I come to now.... from where I was before.... which means I see these things in myself clearly but what's changed is how I see them, and the reasons why?
First, I can't say that I've done the specific kinds of things that I've heard even in this thread, but the underlying reason or cause for this is what I think is more important.
"SHINEY"...... what does that look like or feel like? This is the one word that bothered me the most, not because it isn't true... but it's not completely accurate, in terms of motivation? In other words.... it makes it sound like you're going to something better.... more gooder then what you got! Or the stereotypical grass is greener.... or Trophy Wife upgrade... if you're speaking in those terms.
Personally I don't think that's what it is at all.... and it is like has been mentioned. Could be male, female, non-romantic, non-sexual which is absolutely correct.
This also implies ( of course it feels this ) to feeling like you are being abandoned, rejected and discarded for something better. All of this would imply a person going towards something, and away from something else which that something else would be you.
And I can remember myself when I was like this, and what the motivation was.
Something new and stimulating... or stimulation seeking behavior? I would say that's the least compelling component to this mix. That's always been my problem with new and shiny.... cuz that sounds like a fishing lure... which puts you on the level of a fish it means to control it! LOL Not so much, because that is purely impulsive and nothing else. I have been driven by impulse enough times in my life to know what that is, and it's a very familiar thing? You either learn to override those enough or not.... but they're always there in that respect. Someone who has no control of themselves in that way is simply operating unconsciously. That could be the first one on the list for some people I don't know? I guess it would depend on who that person was and what other things they had going on?
But, at the heart of the matter... as a matter of heart at the core... it comes from insecurity, and feeling like people hate you, and they dislike you, and nothing you ever do will please them or make them happy? More than anything else.... it's a desire to move away from that feeling.... not going towards anything new and shiny in that respect.... but away from feeling like you failed the person that was counting on you, and now how they feel about you this tainted forever? So new people that don't know you well, will treat you without that bias, or any of the problems that come with it. All of this amounts to avoiding that rejection, avoiding the situation whatever it is, to not feel those negative things that keep piling up inside you that basically makes you not like yourself and who you are. In terms of Melissa's brilliantly thought through "ADHD effect on marriage"... in terms of two people and the effect it has on the non-adhd person.... what I just described would be then... the effect the ADHD has on the person who has it.... and what the end result ends up looking like and feeling like for that person. This in my mind is at the deepest core level.... and if that person is completely unaware of even that much.... then that person is simply disconnected from that part of themselves and is in denial.
And a person in denial will be operating on that premise... deep down at the core, and be driven to seek a way out of feeling that way.... which could easily come from becoming attached two superficial relationships with others that give them that kind of validation that they're seeking. The validation that says " well at least some people like me, or... I get to have a relationship with someone and they're positive... and not always negative all the time. So what would be shiny or attractive.... is being without the constant reminder that you failed, your unliked and even hated.... with that constant under current of contempt, jealousy, resentment... the list goes on.
So fundamentally, what you're seeking... or searching for, something or anyone just say you're not a bad person. You're not bad, wrong, defective and unlovable? So you'll go anywhere or with anyone who will give you those things? Which in essence, it's not going towards something new or better, but going away anything.... that keeps adding to or validating the very feelings that you're trying to get away from? I think in order to understand this, you have to step back and see the entire picture completely. If you take what I said personally as some kind of attack on you and what you've done.... I was in the same position, and I did the same things too. I am no more immune on the receiving end of that as anyone else Is? And now where I am and seeing what I just did recently.... I invested deeply into my heart, and was searching for my answers there instead.... and the test of fire, shows in the results and The Temper that you 've forged at the end of the day.
That's the reason why I think just using myself and searching down inside to come up with that insight and nothing else.
I'll give you an example though of the results and how life works... just to get everybody up to speed, and still using myself as an example.
Part 2
J
Reality...Allowing it to Happen
Submitted by kellyj on
I've been really sick for the past week or so with some kind of flu bug... just a few days before Christmas... and I'm only feeling more like myself even now.
Since D, ended up moving 230 miles away with her brother.... and then suddenly out of the blue ( on my birthday... in which that day I was also with D... in part... her visiting but also needed some help with ( transitioning ) which amounted to Simply moral support more than anything else? She just needed someone there to help her through, and I was more than happy to do so. It was still difficult at moments... when I had a couple tears.... but those were fleeting, since I immediately could remind myself of exactly what brought us here. She was not happy, period. And I was not going to be the one to do that for her simply put. And it didn't matter how many times I told her how much that I loved and cared for her... she was not going to believe me unless she felt that way herself. And what she needed so she could feel that way was something that I could not provide her. Which in the end as I presented it to her in exactly the same way. Looking out for her best interest... and speaking to her that way. I also followed up with anything I could do to help her, as long as it was moral support and not logistical in any way. Within reason, one of those reasons was simply to forward her mail from a PO Box that's a mile or two from the house... to make sure that any important mail would not be stuck in limbo there. I got nothing out of that other than, she needed someone to do that and it wasn't hard for me to do?
In the meantime, I was emotionally drained and also on the mend and getting stronger.... an out-of-the-blue pops my first wife... kind of the one I rarely talk about here or have talked about. The reason for that is that I was fully aware of my failures there, and I did everything wrong including and not excluding many of the things talked about in this very thread. The end result with her.... which was to fix the situation by leaving and removing herself from it entirely. But then at the same time coming to the conclusion... the same as I did after the fact, that the love we shared had absolutely nothing to do with it. It was a failure on both of our parts to know a different way around it. It... being the co-dependents of my family and how that was affecting her more importantly. Since she was married to me, she was treated the same as I was.... the only difference was, I had become used to it.... and she simply was not down with that! Not whatsoever, and then some!
I've mentioned her already, being kinda "fiery" in that way. This is not the same as.... ongoing Rage or outbursts, as much as having kind of a "I'm from Texas attitude...and, "I'm fix'in to come over there right quick... if you don't do something about this then I will!" LOL I think that's a fair interpretation, and using some of her own words to do so! lol One my favorite things about her, I would not want to change that for a minute.
So....where does that leave me and everybody else at this very moment?
There was a point where D, started calling me and doing her thing... pushing me to get her mail, do errands to help her blah blah blah. And I simply stopped returning her calls or texts... but as I promised her I would do, I follow through on everything I said right down to the letter. I left note page Unturned. But I simply was overwhelmed with my own things, and a lot of logistical problems that I had to take care of due to a parting ways as we did. I finally, on the day that I follow through on one of my promises... I sent her a very direct text that stated, " it's not my job to be doing this for you. You should be approaching me with appreciation and thanking me for helping you... I'm not obligated to do this in any other way , other than I'm a man of my word and I do what I say I'm going to do. How and when I do that , will be up to me not you." And I have not talked to her or text her since, but I received one text from her stating, that she has taken care of all these things herself and doesn't need my help doing it, and thank me for being there for her and that she really appreciate it. And then I received a Christmas gift from her even though I did not send her anything. I just opened it yesterday because I was too sick and was not in the mood for opening presents or talking to anyone ... that is other than superficially, on the internet or Facebook. Being alone and sick really sucks... so being locked inside the house and no one to talk to... I was in need of some Outlet other than staring at the walls.
So today I got a phone call after I had sent a text to D, explaining how sick I've been and how I hadn't talked to anyone including her and I just opened her present.
This present was a very thoughtful and specific gift... from ancestry.com to find out your DNA report... of your true inherent nationalities or ethnicities... which I had expressed to her that I thought was really interesting and that sounded like a fun thing to do. I also received a box of Godiva chocolates along with it.... which was hitting the bull's-eye there too. LOL Along with a nice Christmas card, that said she was thinking of me like a family member who she loved and cared about. Simply put.
So when I talked to her today.... it was my first chance to let her know what is happening with me. I really wasn't up to talking to anyone, let alone get into any potential conversation that might go Haywire? If you use the past as a predictor of the future that is?
And... what I told her was this...
In two days... I board a plane flying to the island of Kauai. Rebecca... had planned a vacation made in heaven for me. This is one of those connection things that was always there that didn't need to be spoken. I might assumed not everyone would be as excited about this as I would... but....
As soon as I get off the plane... we're driving to, one of the more remote parts of the island and staying at comp price.... app one of the luxury hotels there since she has a girlfriend who works there and got her a good deal. That's just for the first night...
For the rest of a week, plus a little more.... we will be living on the beach, camping the entire time out of the back of her car. She's got all the camping gear... just like she always did. And the campground have showers, electrical service, and even Wi-Fi of all things?
So for 7 or 8 nights.... will be living Outdoors, out of the back of her car and a tent.... on a beach in Nepali Kauai... very near or right next to where they filmed Jurassic Park. Actually right where they filmed Jurassic Park the movie.... just to give you a picture of where we'll be.
This has been a fantasy of mine, for as long as I could remember. I brought it up many times to different people, and no one has taken me up on the idea or shown any interest.... except only one person that I know personally, outside of a couple buddies....that would ever come up with that as their first pick of having a good time? No amenities, no hot showers, no restaurants, not even a bed to sleep in?
But.... what you do get every morning when you climb out of the tent.... is you get to stand on a beach, 30 ft from the ocean.... and you've got the entire day ahead of you.... to swim in the ocean , to go hike, explore, and just take pictures and video.
No itinerary, no plan, no preset destination? No activity schedule, no check-in no check out, no luggage to carry around. I'm taking my backpack... a couple of shirts, one pair of long pants, couple of pairs of shorts, My swim suit and a toothbrush and a razor... and a hat a pair of sunglasses with some sunscreen of course.
And of course one pair of tennis shoes and some flip-flops... and that's it.
This is like the dream vacation of a lifetime.... and I didn't seek it, or ask for it... it just came to me.
And D's overwhelming response... was that she was very happy for me. And my response back to her was equally the same. You don't stop loving people... when you really love them. I still love D with all my heart.... but in my case the love of my life who was always Rebecca.... is still the love of my life... nothing's changed.
And the fact that she engineered a fantasy dream vacation for me... speaking in those terms, is because she engineered the dream and fantasy vacation for herself.... and then just invited me to come join her.
That's the connection right there. No words necessary, when the two of you are on the same page.
J
Einstein Was Right
Submitted by kellyj on
" Imagination is more important than knowledge.... and the problem cannot be solved on the same level that created it"
He was one smart cookie too, that's for sure! LOL
J
Hi there. Thank you for your
Submitted by ccarpenter on
Hi there. Thank you for your well thought out post. Do you have ADHD or your partner? I have been playing over and over in my head like a broken record, *How do I become shiny again? Am I still shiny? What could I have done to be better, to be more understanding of his condition?* There were fights and disagreements a lot had to do with the parent/child dynamic and me the non adder, feeling ultimately like I was not a priority. He ran, he is still running. I believe from what you mentioned, from all the* bad* things and to what makes him forget about all of it or what makes the *bad* feelings go away. It has been 5 weeks since we have been separated. He left after an argument and the reality of things heading in a more serious direction after talking about counseling and treatment ( he is not seeking any treatment since being diagnosed over 10 years ago). He was originally on board, and then all of a sudden not. He has blocked me on social media and literally does not want to talk about anything. I am as stated in my original post, completely ostracized and stonewalled. It has been hell. We were together for over 3 years, and I invested a lot into the relationship. I feel given up on. I feel like there was no closure. I feel abandoned.