My ADHD husband suddenly and unexpectedly passed away three weeks ago at the age of 57. There will forever be unresolved issues that I will have to find a way to let go of now. So many things I don't understand about all of his negative behaviors and actions.
I swing between being swallowed up with grief and extreme anger. His life was always chaos and so it remains so in his death. Dozens and dozens of unfinished house projects, many of them major and will be costly to have finished. Boxes upon on boxes of his papers to sort through. A basement, garage and a shed full of so much junk and in such disarray that repair services won't come in to fix an electrical issue. I've been advised to seek the services of a professional service to sort through it all. Most of it is worthless. Even though I took care of our monthly bills, he kept other things a secret, using his work email for our life insurance and retirement accounts, which his employer deleted upon the notification of his death and there's no access to those emails now. The mortgage company tells me he didn't turn in the proper paperwork when we refinanced our home in the Spring, he hadn't returned any of their messages or returned the corrected documents and now there will be legal issues with our home and the deed. I don't know where I'll even be living six months from now, the court will have to sort it out. There are constant fires to put out and a paper trail to chase down to get things in order. His family and adult children didn't want any part of his memorial service or give any input into what they would like. Only one of his family called, none of them sent flowers and none of his family offered condolences or even sent a card. He alienated himself and to a degree he alienated me from friends and family because of his negativity...And all the lies he told. We talk about the issues and chaos when they're alive but no one talks about the ramifications and unresolved issues after their death. He's gone now, forever, but the chaos remains in the midst of the grief.
I'm so sorry to hear about
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's death. I think I can understand the mixture of feelings you have and why. I second the suggestion that you hire professional help to deal with the house and the estate. I think seeing a therapist might help, too.
I have been seeing a
Submitted by Mustang Sallie on
I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year. He was seeing a therapist that had me participating in the sessions and after a few months, the therapist suggested I see a counselor on my own (they collaborated with our permission) for my own support in dealing with my husband's behavior ~ He was diagnosed with a personality disorder as well as ADHD/ADD ~ The last few months of therapy were focused on the realization that his behavior may not change so they were teaching me coping/dealing techniques. I learned that I have codependent tendencies, something that appears to be a common thread in partners of an ADHD/ADD spouse.
I'm hiring out a service to sort through what property has value and what is junk and I've also retained an attorney to handle any estate issues. Fortunately, I was able to take care of the insurance and retirement but the questions regarding our home is going to take time to sort out. I'm preparing myself that the mortgage company may call in the loan to be done with it so we've placed the home in probate until ownership and survivorship rights can be determined.
The reason I wanted to post about this is that many of us live so focused on the behavior issues of living with the ADHD spouse, busy with dealing/coping with the chaos and distress, that we become short-sighted about the future and that unexpected death can be a part of that. Trying to get the ducks in row alone while grieving is horrible place to be...Do what you can to avoid it now.
I am sorry to hear about your loss.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I am sorry to hear about the sudden and unexpected loss of your husband.
You're having to deal with a lot, since there were so many loose ends that were left behind. I agree that you'll need professional help to sort thru. Very strange that his employer just deleted everything.
Your situation, at least, can be a wake up call to the rest of us.
Had you posted in this forum before?
Rock the boat now, not later.
Submitted by Mustang Sallie on
I found this forum a few years ago. I left it feeling hopeless for a time and then rejoined again when my husband started counseling and we had a confirmed diagnosis.
I'm sharing in hopes that it might be a "wake up call" that will help someone not to be in the place I am right now. I let a lot of things slide and didn't push on things that were important about the future because I didn't want to rock the boat and make waves. That was a mistake. Rock that damn boat and make waves like hell when it's about your future.
So sorry
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
So sorry for your loss and for all you are now going through.