He's leaving

Just an update for those of you that know whats going on in my little world.  My DH is leaving after Christmas, he needs to finish out the semester and I need to have a vehicle until I can figure out how to get to work (30 minutes away) without one.  He has decided that he has never loved me and wants his ex (from 10 years ago) back because she has kids and is pregnant with another that he is going to adopt.  I cannot have more children due to a medical issue and for him (after 6 years!!!) this is a deal breaker.

It hurts and I'm totally sick of crying, but it is what it is.  Better to know ahead of time than be blindsided!  Love to all of you...your awesome!

I am so sorry :(

At least you don't have to "Wonder" anymore. One day he will probably look back at this choice "He" made with regret. Just know I'm here with a lot of others to help in any way. I wish I could think of something to make it better for you... Just know that you obviously worked VERY hard to save your marriage, everyone here sees that. 

Your friend,

I have....

YYZ...I have worked very hard to save my marriage.  I love him to death and will continue to work hard on it until he actually walks out that door, you might see that as pathetic but its something I need to do.  I don't give up like that!!!  Right now I'm just hating my life and really wishing the fighting would stop...even though he has made his decision he is still picking fights!  Tonight it was about me lieing all the time (which I don't, I have no reason too) after he gave me a second (not believable) story of why I shouldn't be hanging out with one of my friends.  I asked him which story was the true one....that set him off and in a nutshell I was told that he likes to lie and get people going....he isn't going to stop.....and I'm the one that lies and hides things all the time and tries to get all the attention on me.  Then he told me to fuck off, get done with my PMS and stop being a bitch and went in the bedroom!

Gonna be a loooooong three weeks! 


You have worked very hard...

You could write a book on his classic (But sucky) ADD coping skills. I might understand the way he could be thinking. If I were to cross an "Unforgivable" boundary, or think I have, I could continue down the road of "I'm screwed", so what's the point, so then the guilt turns to anger at the perceived inflexible boundary, knowing that the NON-ADDer will only see the "Boundary Crossed = FAIL" and there is no explaining how things happened in a way that would make sense and not sound like "An Excuse". 

By pushing off blame and re-directing the situation causing YOU to leave, because he knows he cannot stop it or the events could be brought up at will until the end of time, "The Great Escape" plan sounds like the least painful way out of the situation. In my situation, after coming clean about my sharing marital issues with a female friend, My DW asked me if I wanted out of our marriage and I said "No I do not want out" then I asked my DW "CAN you forgive me?". This is an important question because if I commit to Never repeat the behavior and follow through, then my DW should not bring up the transgression when it is convenient to throw in my face to warrant her anger at a later time. My DW said "Yes" I can forgive you. Unfortunately, it has been thrown in my face since then on many occasions and I need to put my foot down the next time it happens and remind her she forgave me and I have followed through with my part in stopping the behavior. I still feel guilty of the hurt I caused, but when it gets used as a weapon it not only hurts, but causes me anger because of "How" it is being used. This has not happened in over a month, so maybe it will continue to disappear...

Work in progress...

Hopefully the 3 weeks ticking away will cause your spouse to make some changes. Sometimes it takes a "Near Melt-Down" to flip the switch on. I wish you well...

Keep us posted :)


Its is this anger at feeling

Its is this anger at feeling wronged that my husband seems to hold onto...as if I should have known?! And the low self esteem that he plunged deep down into his soul to be replaced w an outward rage at ME is what I am not understanding. He seems to fault me for so much and I cant seem to understand where the rage is coming from...like he thinks I am constantly criticizing and challenging him...its what, yyz, I keep struggling with. My husband who I have know since our early young adulthood (almost 30 yrs!) has become abusive over the last 2... What the Hell happened??

Hard to say...

You have probably posted before about some of my questions, so forgive me :) I've read so much on this site that specifics become a blur. In the last few years, what major life altering things have happened? New jobs, lost jobs, school, kids, death in the family? 

I was juggling the correct number of oranges for about 13 years before I took a new job (Big opportunity / More $$$). High stress because we had worked together for over 12 years and because we new all the same people many married couple dynamics were simplified. No unknown people, no conferences with people the other did not know, no lunches with people the other did not know. You get the picture. My DW has always been insecure about herself, because of divorced parents and always fearing cheating with happen and she will be humiliated. Her greatest fear is looking like a fool to people. Me, being the ADDer and knowing these things has me worrying about any friendships with a female coworker and even though I've never given a reason for her to be suspicious, I feel like I have to go the extra mile to make her not worry. The new job added these new people, insane hours, insane fear of needing to prove myself at the new job leading to exhaustion and then misread facial and body languages, then her defense screens come up and the cold shoulder leading to frustration and the dreaded room mate situation. Lots of extra oranges to juggle, then one of the most important mentor/dad/role models in my life got old/sick, then died which really affected me and I did not know how to deal with it. The Train Wreck was in motion... I felt guilty about new friends at work, lunches and casual talk, depression over my failing home life caused me to reach out for advice, because I could not talk to a female family member, because they would blame my DW and make tensions high at any gathering, so I talked to a co-worker and eventually my DW found an email that gave it away. This was the exact time that anxiety attacks were constant and I ended up with my diagnosis.

My point is the Train Wreck could have started long ago, but is now snow-balling at full speed. My wife says she thought everything was okay, then suddenly I had a crack in the armor. Suddenly she had to Worry about me, I was never something she had to worry about and she worries about Everything. Then the shock sent her into Red Alert Mode with Defense Shields on Full. That's what happened with us...

Look further back... If your spouse internalizes everything like me, this could have been brewing for some time and he could have not given away any signs. ADDer's are not really good at this, as you well know.

Hang in there...

The thing is....

The thing is YYZ...I have forgiven him more than once and I don't throw things in his face, even when he does the same thing again (like cheating).  I am very careful about that and I have never considered him a failure at all,in fact just tonight on the way home I had to remind him again that he is not "a loser" like he keeps saying he is.  He is an amazing man when he isn't being a jerk!!  Do I have boundries...yes.  Will I leave if he crosses them...yes.  But if I see him making an effort and really trying to change I will give him all the love and support I have and I will give him another chance.  Maybe that is wrong on my part and maybe that is why he thinks he can act and do like he wants with no concern for me...but as I have said before I don't give up easily.

Last night he again was a jerk when we went to bed...told me that he is still paying for mistakes I made before I married him (short version...my ex and I combined student loans and in the divorce I was made responsible for them, I had my tubes tied on the very bad advice of a surgeon that lied to me to get the business from me and a bankruptcy I have to file due to medical bills (I was in the hospital for three months)  that I had no insurance to cover at the time).  He then told me that he didn't see why we keep trying cause he didn't see us being together in 5 years anyway.

I think that maybe being downstate without me will make him think twice.



Is all I can give you. My heart breaks every time I read one of your posts. Your hubby is using you as an emotional punching bag for his issues, failures and upsets. Then he blames you and brings up past dramas to justify his behavior. I know you want to try and make this marriage work but I have a feeling that he is beyond checked out and removed from this marriage. 

Nothing in your posts indicates that he is trying to work on your marriage. He is waiting for the next best thing. 

I guess it's easier said than done. I did not give up on my marriage when my hubby made it clear that he was done. Although things are 180 from where they were, I still look for issues. Maybe this is what you are doing?

I wish you the best and all the love and strength to make it through this storm. I pray that either way you get an answer and can move on or seek the help that you both desperately need. =)

Needsalifeline, as your

Needsalifeline, as your pseudonym requests- let us be that for you. I am sorry too, and I know the kind of pain you must be feeling. Can I suggest a book for you because it has helped me: its called the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. You are not, I hope you know, at fault or damaged in any way. Not being able to have kids biologically does not preclude parenthood. At all. But it is a great excuse to use when you want to hurt and further diminish you the way your spouse has been doing. And that stinks. YOU are not at fault- be strong, read on about how to build up your self esteem, be good to yourself: buy an ice cream, love yourself, hang w supporters/friends, journal, go to church, cry (ok we both have that covered...), laugh... XOXO

Thank you

Thank you lulu...sometimes I feel like I should have seen this coming or if I had done things differently maybe it would have all turned out ok.  Part of me knows I didn't do anything wrong and the other half tells me to try harder.  Crazy I know....lol  Honestly I feel like my heart was ripped out, stomped on and then shoved back in.  I'm trying to get back in the swing of doing things myself....I spent many years sitting at home because he doesn't like to go out ANYWHERE!  Somewhere I lost myself and now I have to find that person again...with or without him!