He's mad, I'm mad & I am losing my mind!

My husband gets really mad at me whenever I say anything about ADHD, unless it doesn't involve him. He can recognize that our son being treated for ADHD is a good thing, and that his behavior when he's not on his medicine is frustrating and annoying. He even goes as far as to get upset with our son for being annoying, and it is so maddening because when these situations occur and he is annoyed with our son he tells him to get off him and don't be a pest, you're annoying etc,.....which makes me so mad because the truth is HE ACTS EXACTLY THE SAME WAY!!!! HE IS SO ANNOYING AND PESTERS ME ALL THE TIME!!!!!! THE THINGS HE SAYS TO ME AND TO OTHER PEOPLE MAKE ME SO MAD, IT'S SO EMBARASSING!!!! What the heck?!?!?! Why can't he see it, it's as plain as the nose on his face!? Why is he okay with our son taking meds for ADHD but has a problem with him also having it? I'm so sick and tired of the rude, disrespectful, immature, inappropriate stuff that he says that I believe my head may actually start spinning on my shoulders soon. At least once a day (it's a really good day if not) I am nearly frustrated to tears. I find myself very often fighting back tears and getting mad to avoid being upset. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. If I were to ever leave him he would fall apart, I am the back bone for our family and I do not want my son to have a father who, for lack of better terms, just isn't great. After becoming so resentful and upset all the time I'm now having a really hard time not being really shitty towards him when his ADHD behavior is upsetting me, I'm so over it, I just want relief but so far I'm not willing to stop sacrificing my mental health for it, I feel like I have no choice.

And you know, the kicker is that he doesn't always act this way. It's like he can control himself in situations with my family around or in business settings but when we are alone or around close friends or his family (who seem to all have severe ADHD) it's no hold barred and say anything regardless of how horrible it sounds. I am so blessed to be the closest person to him so there is NEVER, EVER a filter on the things I hear, I HATE IT. For a very long time I blamed his upbringing because his parents act the same way but now that I am in my thirties, I don't care what the reasons are - I'm so sick and tired of all the seriously disgusting comments about sex, race, religion, I mean literally nothing is off limits. Nothing.  Every show on tv, everything in the news, every person we know - the comments are so aggravating and yes, people think these things - but we keep them to ourselves!!! And the constant "joking" - ya sure, that's funny IF IT'S ONCE AND A WHILE?!?! DUH!!!!!!!!!!

Losing my marbles, thanks for letting me vent.

Don't lose your mind. If you

Don't lose your mind. If you are feeling this way now and your DH will not work with you, you will be in my position a few decades from now.  I had been somewhat unhappy in my marriage but OK, feeling a little self righteously sacrificial but OK until now.  Worked like crazy our whole married life, kids gone, parents died, no retirement funds, unappreciated, feeling unloved.  I am probably clinically depressed now.....that means that ALL the things you used to enjoy have little effect to you anymore.  That means that EVERYTHING brings anxiety and feeling like the floor is dropping out from under you.  It means you look back on your life and realize that ALL you did was devote yourself to this man (with the belief that he would be the financial support) who now you realize NEVER SAW YOU in his life other than that you were the one who nagged him while he did all the work (which you know is totally not true) because he is able to "re-write" yesterday in his mind so easily from habit.  It sounds like your DH does not respect you or honor the position of "wife and soul mate" (like mine).  That is not from ADD, I am realizing, that is just not trying to partner (My DH does not think in terms of "we" - he thinks in terms of his ego and entitlements) Trying to get away with giving as little effort as possible. That is taking advantage of your wanting to be a good wife and supporter.  I am learning from this site that a person can have ADD AND want to be a good husband and father and partner ---  but he has to work extra hard WITH the people in his life and ADMIT that he has to put extra effort into doing the things he must do to be that person. I can tell by your HATE that you have passion and want this to be different.  (I am beginning to move past hate and anger and into acceptance myself).  I can tell by what you say about your husband that our DH have things in common.  The way they have found to cope with the ADD their entire life is not a healthy way.  My DH uses (he thinks he is charming but he is not - he is embarrassing) jokes too, to deflect, to gain control, to derail, to cut me off, to not think.  I think he thinks he is helping me by distracting me from my "negative" thoughts which are many times an attempt by me to communicate and find solutions to life's inevitable questions and planning.  His way of coping with the nasty necessity to plan is to distract himself with jokes, puzzles, smoking, and drinking. #1 thing he has done to me for decades is change the subject and turn things around to get me to think about my deficiencies instead of striving for an agreement.  It IS crazy making to have to partner with someone who consistently sabotages every conversation to derail it from my original purposes (PARTNERING: finding solutions, getting agreement or planning for the future).  And he says, "You have to lighten up.  You have to let it go. You have lost your sense of humor. You don't know anything about _______. I will take care of it. (but then doesn't)"  He wants freedom from any added responsibility or thoughts (other than keeping his mind straight and his ego intact in his own head) that might cause him to be overwhelmed. I thought my mental health was strong enough like super woman to take care of everything.  I was wrong.  After 35 years of marriage it has caught up with me and now I must put ALL my energy and focus on me getting better and finding some satisfaction and pride and accepting that I cannot change things with him and that I must not be lazy now - I must work to find my SELF back again (and that means to not work so hard doing things HE should have been doing and not thinking about him and his needs.)  Don't give your life away.  Your children need a healthy you for a role model.