After 25 years of marriage and three children, my husband and I are separating. He has ADHD...confirmed by a psychiatrist...but denies it. Treatment of any kind is out of the question as he won't make time for counseling and refuses to consider meds or other tx's. There are many other issues in our marriage (of course) but ADHD is, by far, the most significant and the worst. I'm trying to come to grips with our upcoming separation and also trying to understand how my husband's thinks...or acts...the way he does. I hope posters here can help.
I have had a chronic autoimmune disease for over 21 years, and am also a breast cancer survivor. For the life of me I cannot understand why anyone diagnosed with a medical condition would not seek treatment for it right away...especially when it affects quality of life of not only the diagnosed individual, but also that of his family. I couldn't put my family (esp my children) through a denial scenario (Frankly, I'd be dead if I had...:)). Why won't my husband get help if in doing so his marriage and family situation would greatly improve? Is change so frightening that it immobilizes him or is it just plain selfishness?
Why does he avoid communicating? He is either too tired or too busy. He won't listen and when he does? He forgets what was said then accuses me of making it up later. It's a constantly exhausting round of "he said, she said"...sigh.
Is it me or do ADHD spouses lack empathy? This is perhaps most disturbing to me. My husband is like a machine...no emotion. At least the good kind....he does anger really well. He seems so incredibly indifferent to the pain/suffering of others. It's too easy for him to say/do hurtful things. The pain he inflicts is real and leaves deep scars. Yet, he doesn't "get it". Why?? It seems so very obvious to me.
I could go on and on about this or that instance, but suffice it to say that I'm just worn out. Trying to cope with my AI disease, my cancer fallout, and three kids with their own problems (oldest has ADD too, middle child has anxiety disorder and youngest has a significant learning disability) has left me with little energy. Gardening is my stress reliever (my husband gets angry that the yard looks nice when the house is cluttered) Of course he contributes to the mess by being so disorganized and juggling ten projects at once (with none every completed) but again...doesn't see it. I'm to blame for most everything...including my kids' problems.
Not looking for any magic answers, maybe just someone's experience that mirrors my own? I'm going to see a counselor myself just to keep my head on straight and have somebody tell me "it's ok, hon...you're doing the right thing." But dang....I'm so tired and so disheartened. :(
no magic answers
Submitted by arwen on
dear Flower Lady, I wish I could give you a hug! My husband and I separated after 30 years of marriage because of ADD related issues (he has ADD, I do not). But it was not because he was in denial about the fact that he had ADD. He didn't always accept some of his problems, but at least he accepted his basic situation, and was on meds and going to counseling. I don't think we could have made any progress in our relationship without the meds and counseling. Even with them, it was touch and go. Your situation is definitely tougher, I can understand very well why you are tired and disheartened.
I don't know what I can say that will help, but I guess I would like to offer a perspective. In my experience, an individual who has ADD and receives no meds or counseling is not a strictly rational person. ADD is fundamentally a problem with the synaptic activity in the brain not functioning correctly. This typically causes problems with memory storage, organization and retrieval. If you can't rely on your memory, it's hard to put enough data together to draw any useful conclusions about countless everyday situations. It's a huge challenge to remember policies or rules, or to plan, or to be consistent (except at being inconsistent!). It's effectively impossible to construct in your mind any kind of valid working model of the real world around you. To cope, everyday life becomes an exercise in "winging it", and you're wrong so often and seem to be able to do so little about it, you stop caring about any number of things and may end up only caring about what works *for you*, the person with ADD. None of this lends itself to rational thinking in the normal sense, because it is not coherent.
Furthermore, if this is all you have known in your life, this seems normal to you! I know people who have asthma, who have had it from childhood and have never been treated for it -- they grew up not being treated for it, and to them therefore it's just part of normal life. It's the same with a lot of ADDers. My husband wasn't in denial about his ADD when we separated, but he was for years before he was formally diagnosed. From *his* point of view, what he was doing made sense (and in the limited context that he was considering, it *was* logical -- the problem was, he didn't *really* live his everyday life in that limited context -- but he couldn't see that. ) To him, it was normal. Your own health conditions will kill you if you don't treat them appropriately (as will some of mine!) -- whereas ADD is more like the asthma case I outlined before.
Why can't they see what they are doing, that they have problems? Actually, it appears to me that they do notice at times that *something* is not quite right. But it's just too hard to figure out what it is. I can't count the number of times my husband has gotten lost in trying to puzzle out a problem -- quite a few of which seem pretty simple and straightforward to me. So, I suspect they get in the habit of ignoring such indications, because they feel like they can't resolve them anyway. Do this long enough, and you can easily persuade yourself that there isn't a problem to see in the first place.
I'm not saying this is inevitable or good or even OK, it's just what I've typically observed happening. I do know people who have ADD who have recognized that they had special problems, got whatever treatment/counseling they needed, figured out how to make their lives work within that context, and how to have a successful relationship with another person (although interestingly, none that I know who did this have had children). But they seem to be few and far between.
There are lots of good posts here I urge you to read, they may help you understand. And Melissa has lots of good advice in her blogs. I hope something here can help you. My husband and I got back together after almost a year of separation, and the years since then have been much much better than the ones preceding. I wish I'd had the benefits of the insights back then.
Good luck, I will keep you in my prayers!
Thank you!
Submitted by Flower Lady on
Arwen...thank you so much for your perspective...you make a lot of sense and have given me lots to think about. I agree with you that rational thinking seems to be absent in my husband and he's been "winging it" since he was a child. His normal is most definitely not mine (though the definition of 'normal' seems to be up for grabs!) I think I have a better idea now about why he doesn't seem to care about my views/opinions...what works for him is what works. Period. He just doesn't want to hear or consider anything else.
I could sure use that hug! I'm fortunate in that my oldest son (with ADD) DOES get it. He's only 21 and almost made it completely thru high school before being diagnosed with the inattentive kind of ADD. He's very smart but started struggling in AP/Honors classes. Teachers just said he was lazy. After his diagnosis he immediately said "what can I do to improve my quality of life?" Concerta turned out to be the answer and he's doing remarkably well now. He cannot understand why his father wouldn't do the same. I'm proud of my son for accepting his diagnosis and taking charge of it. He's a great kid and gives me those wonderful hugs frequently. He still has his moments but accepts responsibility if he forgets or loses something and moves on.
I'll take a look at Melissa's blogs and do some more reading of others' posts. I thank you again, Arwen, and I deeply appreciate the prayers. :)
Understanding May Not Be Necessary
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I liked arwen's answer to your question, FlowerLady. I would like to add that in your exhausted state, understanding why your husband has acted the way he has may not be as relevant as simply accepting that he has done so in order to move on. Your son has not immitated his father (because he, too, sees the lack of logic in it) and to me this is much more important than having your husband get it.
The world is a different place for you than it will ever be for your husband. In spite of the severe illnesses you have suffered, your perspective of the world is one that fits within the "norm". By that I mean not that your husband is abnormal, but that how you perceive and react to the world is reinforced in a positive way every day. Not so for your husband. He experiences the world quite differently because he is wired so differently, and many of his reactions have not been positively reinforced over the years. This can do strange things to how you interact with people (ultra-defensiveness is one common reaction, another is shutting yourself off from potential hurt, still another is extreme shame).
You may never understand why he couldn't be more logical...more like you...other than saying he was wired differently from you. Perhaps that can be enough and you can accept that and mourn for what might have been and move confidently into your new life knowing that his actions are his own and only he is responsible for them. In the meantime, you can cherish your wonderful children and expend energy towards those who are receptive to your influence and love.
Best of luck in your new life and stay in touch here.
Thank you
Submitted by Flower Lady on
You're absolutely right, Melissa...acceptance and moving on is more important than trying to understand him. It took me awhile to actually reach that point. Going thru everything over and over in my mind and trying to figure out how to get thru to him definitely wasn't working. All I got from that was a headache. :) 2 + 2 never added up to 4. I've reached the acceptance point now, and surprisingly I feel really calm...and even relieved. It's not unlike accepting the fact that I had cancer and an incurable disease....and moving on from those experiences too. Life seems to be a never-ending chain of challenges that can either make or break you. Acceptance leads to peace...and a renewed sense of optimism. It's time for me and my children to be happy.
I do feel sadness for my husband...knowing how alone he's going to be, but this is his choice. Not mine. He will have to live with the repercussions for the rest of his life. It's truly tragic, and I do mourn for what we could've had together. It's like mourning a death and going thru the stages of grief. So, so hard...but so necessary. I'll be ok.
Now....a beautiful, sunny day outside....let's garden!
Husband Leaving
Submitted by tarjavj on
Hello!
I am exactly where you are. My husband of 15 years (ADD) has desided to leave me and the kids. He is not in meds, takes Ritalin every now and then, but not regurarily enough. He has acknowledged that he has ADD (confrimed by psychiatrist as well), but will not inform himself enough and does not understand what he has caused to me and our daughters.
Although, I could not stand the life we had before, I would have expected that he values our family more and that he would have made the last effort. But NO! The self centerness and lack of emphaty is difficult to understand. Why cannot he medicate himself to become a better husband and father?? I do not understand his way of thinking.
Now that he is leaving, he says that he will put the kids first and then himself (which he has always done in my opinion). Why couldn't he do that when we were still family? We were always the last on his list, everything else; work, golf, going out with friends etc. came first. The only time he was really with us was the holidays.
I am not looking for answers anymore, it is too late, but I am so broken...
I'm sorry
Submitted by Flower Lady on
I also had issues with my husband's self-centeredness and lack of empathy...I used to call him 'machine man'. He seemed more like the Terminator than a human being. :) I can definitely relate to your situation, tarjavj, and I feel bad for you.
I'm not looking for answers anymore either. My husband is moving out and goint to settlement today on his new house. Life continues but I understand feeling broken. Can I give you a big hug? (((((tarjavj)))) I know life will get better for both of us, but oh how it hurts sometimes!
Prayers for smoother days ahead...