Hi...I'm new, and btw...very sad...

After 25 years of marriage and three children, my husband and I are separating.  He has ADHD...confirmed by a psychiatrist...but denies it.  Treatment of any kind is out of the question as he won't make time for counseling and refuses to consider meds or other tx's.  There are many other issues in our marriage (of course) but ADHD is, by far, the most significant and the worst.  I'm trying to come to grips with our upcoming separation and also trying to understand how my husband's thinks...or acts...the way he does.  I hope posters here can help.  

I have had a chronic autoimmune disease for over 21 years, and am also a breast cancer survivor.  For the life of me I cannot understand why anyone diagnosed with a medical condition would not seek treatment for it right away...especially when it affects quality of life of not only the diagnosed individual, but also that of his family.  I couldn't put my family (esp my children) through a denial scenario (Frankly, I'd be dead if I had...:)).  Why won't my husband get help if in doing so his marriage and family situation would greatly improve?  Is change so frightening that it immobilizes him or is it just plain selfishness?

Why does he avoid communicating?  He is either too tired or too busy.  He won't listen and when he does?  He forgets what was said then accuses me of making it up later.  It's a constantly exhausting round of "he said, she said"...sigh. 

Is it me or do ADHD spouses lack empathy?  This is perhaps most disturbing to me.  My husband is like a machine...no emotion.  At least the good kind....he does anger really well.  He seems so incredibly indifferent to the pain/suffering of others.  It's too easy for him to say/do hurtful things.  The pain he inflicts is real and leaves deep scars.  Yet, he doesn't "get it".  Why??  It seems so very obvious to me.

I could go on and on about this or that instance, but suffice it to say that I'm just worn out.  Trying to cope with my AI disease, my cancer fallout, and three kids with their own problems (oldest has ADD too, middle child has anxiety disorder and youngest has a significant learning disability) has left me with little energy.  Gardening is my stress reliever (my husband gets angry that the yard looks nice when the house is cluttered) Of course he contributes to the mess by being so disorganized and juggling ten projects at once (with none every completed) but again...doesn't see it. I'm to blame for most everything...including my kids' problems.

Not looking for any magic answers, maybe just someone's experience that mirrors my own?  I'm going to see a counselor myself just to keep my head on straight and have somebody tell me "it's ok, hon...you're doing the right thing." But dang....I'm so tired and so disheartened. :(