HIS ADDICTION TO PORNOGRAPHY,

I was not even aware that my husband was addicted to porn until I read "Melissa's book", and until I finally saw it with my own eyes.I was with and always is with my ADHD husband on weekends, by his apartment with him, and yesterday his cable bill came and I looked at it when he was asleep in the drawer where he keeps his bills,I saw that the cable bill is 5 hundred dollars more than the actual cost,and I was in shock!!!! not so much he is watching porn but the amount he purchased in the month of February,more than 15 adult dirty movies and the dates in these purchases and the names of the pornography is like "teen girls"etc: etc:,I am feeling pure hurt right now, and I don't even know if I could even stay with him any more after what I saw today.I am disgust by this,,,,,, really disgust!!!,I never knew that he was doing this at every single evening after he drops me home and "all the time",I know that he watches them maybe twice a week but after seeing the bill he is watching them every night!!!!"EVERY SINGLE NIGHT"!!!!!!!The names and types of adult movies he watches is" little girls" and the man is almost 50,what the hell is he doing!!!!!why is he doing this and so much?what is his problem,I never refused him and I am always by him,we may not always be intermit all the time because we work work work all week and hard work so I am tired and I sort to think he would be tooo but apparently not!

I am afraid that this addiction would lead to an actual affair,,after all it was clear that these are the addictions of ADHD,and I am very scared that this might take place before he starts treatment or take meds which he promised me he would, and he did indeed admit to me that he is not well and knows it.I am in fear that it would be too late for both of us,I am afraid to confront him with this and if I do it could lead us in a serious argument and him in a result of shame,and I don't want him to get embarrassed,,,,,, I am suffering this in silence.I don't even know what to do any more with this and what hurts the most is that I can't even have a decent conversation with him,, without him chasing me out of his apartment like a dog!!!So I stayed and grieved in silence with him next to me and my back turned to the next side and tears streaming down my face first with anger because I can't say nothing and then pain because I can't talk about it and then tremendous hurt because I can't talk to him about it and tell him how I really feel.."I WANT THE PORN TO GO AWAY" I want him to stop stop stop stop!!!!!!! I love him and he is ripping my heart to pieces.Sadly he will never know and maybe only when divorce papers reaches his desk at work then he might know..IDIAT!

Porn Addict...

Love - I have experienced this with my husband in the past.  I don't have time to get into it now, but I will come back later.

Anyway, you must tell him how it makes you feel.  And remember (and even say to him), just because your opinions differ, does not make either of you right or wrong.  It's about respecting you and your feelings!  (and you need to respect his, of course)  Respect and agreement are two completely different things...something I have had to say a lot with my DH.

You might have to compromise, which is the most likely outcome.  I know it makes you feel disgusted, but hang in there.

masmam1,

Thanks for your advice,I appreciate it alot,I am trying very hard to cope with that, but, that is just a pile up on the many things I am resenting him for, and that is one addition that is not making it any easier for me to work on my anger issues,and every time I try he drops another bomb shell of some kind on me to continue resentment,I am trying very hard,,maybe time will help me as you said.

from:lovehurts.

My trust,

I do not trust my spouse no more! I have noticed a change, tremendous change in him lately and that have a lot to do with the porn he is watching,before he would come and stay a couple of days in the week at my home to spend time with me, and now since the porn is getting to him, he does not know that I am noticing this ,but,he is not at all interested in spending quality time with me again., instead I would go to his apartment where still we would not be intimate during the week and he would complain how tired he is and then,BAM! cable bill would come with evidence that he is looking at the dirty movies no wonder why!  I am not at all surprise, but ,I am the reality and that is just his fantasies, and it seem to me he is caught up with this addiction and don't even realize that it is affecting our marriage.I am having a lot of problems with him lately"A LOT" and the only thing that was keeping us together and the affection we were having, was the intimacy that we share, and now I am losing that too.I am very very angry more than hurt sometimes,I want to express my feelings to him but he won't understand, and that is not right,he does not even realize with the amount I have been putting up with and now he is doing this and the effect this have on me is a horrifying experience.I am still at lost with him no matter how hard I try,and now after this "no hope"

No Hope

Something I FINALLY have learned, realized, accepted, whatever, is that I have to set boundaries with people in general.  This is especially true with my DH.  Who pays for the cable?  Whose name is it in?  If you can, CANCEL IT!  Or, refuse to pay extra to cover the expense!  Call him out on his behavior, and hold him accountable.  Do you/he/both go to counseling?

I've always felt that I was walked all over while growing up by peers, coworkers, etc.  Well, I was.  I didn't have the skills or knowledge to deal with the issue and stand up for myself.  I've been accused of being direct and/or mean in the past when something bothered me...I'm learning that I waited too long to say something.  So, it ended up as something hurtful.  

Now, although the boundaries aren't completely defined, I don't put up with immature or destructive behavior, no matter the person.  I've been struggling with being up front and honest from the get-go.  Also, STICKING UP FOR YOUR BOTTOM LINES IS SO IMPORTANT, NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCE!  This is/can be very intimidating and/or scary (it was and still is for me)!  It isn't mean or bad if it's how you feel and it's just unacceptable!  But, it feels so good now - I find I'm not as angry or resentful as I was earlier.

It took me a very long time, combined with therapy, etc., to come to this.  I moved out 2 months ago and I still attend therapy, take meds from my psych, and TRY to workout regularly (even walking).  I went to my first Al Anon meeting this week for Adult Children of Alcoholics (a parent had a problem with alcohol).  But, there's no ACOA or CHADD chapters in my area!!!!  Ugh!  I've noticed that my coping skills were nearly the same as they are now with a spouse with severe ADHD.  Patterns - aha!  Next week, I'm going to a NAMI meeting (national association for mental illness) to look at myself (depression) as well as for him (ADHD, and suspected PTSD).  Basically, I'm saying there are free resources everywhere.

My husband is terrible with "feelings."  His or mine.  "Feeling statements" always ended badly for me in the past.  He'd make fun of me.  So I learned that just stating the facts and the facts regarding the "situation" worked for me.  This is something I still struggle with because I'm afraid of being mean to him.  (I mean, really?!)  Intimacy is gone, no sex life, "iffy" trust, you name it.  We're just trying to be friends again at this point.  

Set boundaries and stick to your bottom lines (like respecting you and your feelings...they are a 2-way street)!!!  Opinions and feelings are not right OR wrong if you or he feel a particular way about something.  Don't hang on to moments in the past because THEY ARE IN THE PAST.  Only you can control (ultimately) how you are treated and how you feel.  Finally, only focus on YOUR actions and only focus on the PRESENT - a very valuable piece of advice given to me by my psych.

I'm still having a rough time in my current situation and I spend far too much time being upset about it. :(  I get the whole no hope feeling...a lot.  I feel like I'm in survival mode right now...  Hang in there, my thoughts are with you!

RE:No hope,

I have come to a decision to just let him do the whole "porn" thing,I cannot really "STOP" him at no point whatsoever,I am in a big"no" win win with him,he have that control simply b/c I don't live with him, and he pays the bills by him,including the cable bill,I have separated myself emotionally from him,so right now presently I am not feeling "NOTHING",really it's the only way for me to go about things normal,without him getting the better off,of me.I have also read and understood that the whole "porn"thing is a self medicating stimulation to help produce dopamine in the brain,so I just let it go and I am not even bother again.I have had it up to my neck dealing with him about these issues,but,now my happiness is most important, and I don't need the extra "burden" in my life.I refer to it as a "burden" simply b/c that's all it really is.I am learning new coping techniques,and so far I am doing fine.Thank you for your concerns,please continue to share and I am much appreciated.

lovehurts.

Good for You!

There's a time when "enough is enough" and I think you've reached it...it took me a looooooong time combined with therapy, meds, etc. to get there.

You've got to mend and heal yourself before you can mend or heal the relationship.  It's also pointless to try to fix something when the other party doesn't want/see the need to.  "A chain is only as strong as its weakest link" - so the saying goes.

We had come to a compromise in the past about the porn (DVDs).  But now, I don't give a rip about it because he can't speak to me without sounding like a snot lately, so our conversations have been short.  I'm sure he's completely taken aback because (I believe) all of this change was pretty much out of the blue.  Also, I'm pretty sure he's frustrated because he's not sure what to do with my "new" reactions, I don't really tolerate anything I find unacceptable anymore - which is a lot apparently (and unfortunately for us).

For me, it was/is all about respect and what I will and will not accept in its regard.

Take care,

You are right about Respect...

It really is pretty simple. Bad behavior continued after your spouse has brought it to your attention is just disrespectful. I know my DW never had a problem pointing anything out that she wanted me to change. Before my diagnosis and Adderall it was much more difficult, but I still tried to adjust my behaviors that bothered my DW. In the old days her explosive reaction to whatever I was doing that bothered her, that I "Should" have known was bothering her by ESP would send me into shut-down mode. I would feel terrible and the anger she had would just make it impossible for me to say a word. My DW got used to 15 years of this "Having the last word and when the conversation was over" control, but now the scales are not so tilted in her favor.

You said ~"I'm pretty sure he's frustrated because he's not sure what to do with my "new" reactions" 

I can easily participate in one of these conversations these days. They don't catch me nearly as off-guard as the used to and it can still start the same with her getting angry to bring something up, but I can stay focused and logical and my temper is much cooler than hers. My DW has had to adjust to my involvement in the conversation. We all have issues in one way or another and my behavior caused issues, but there was no name for my personality other than I need to do better or stop doing other things. My DW has had anger, depression and anxiety issues and it is better than it used to be most of the time. I am working hard to neutralize my ADD symptoms and my DW hardly thinks ADD played any role with us. She thinks I lost weight from the "Speed" and just feel better because of the weight loss. My DW admits having anger issues, but she does not want us to go to couples therapy to resolve the obviously un-resolvable topics. All we can do is try to better ourselves, understand our spouse and be patient. Bad behavior over and over again just gets old. 

Bad behavior over and over again just gets old.

You hit the nail on the head!  "Bad behavior continued after your spouse has brought it to your attention is just disrespectful." Precisely!!!!

My spouse won't acknowledge the severity/impact of his ADHD on me, us.  He isn't learning new skills and habits, taking meds.  He only eats right and is physically active.  So, 1 out of 3 obviously isn't enough.  He's lost over 100 lbs. in the past year because his diabetes has been out of control, which he only recently is taking it seriously.

It sounds like your DW has serious resentment.  This is toxic to the both of you (I should know, I'm working on mine).  It is a very destructive state.  

Does she visit this website?

Kudos for your efforts.  Take care,

Resentment

About resentment... I have known it was there, I get the disorder that excuses everything in the past, has a Magic Pill to cure it with the only side effect being Weight Loss, as usual I get the easy fix.

Yep... Resentment. Maybe because I have the "Cooler Temper" as you say you have, it is slightly easier in my case for improvement. It is SURE easier to process with a Cool Head. I've said how sorry I was for all the oblivious, inattentive, hurtful past behaviors. When things really hit the fan, about the same time as my diagnosis, she asked if I wanted out of the marriage and I said no, but asked if she could forgive me. Meaning not throwing up things from the past when it was convenient in an argument. If I was repeating the behavior, fine, but just bring up over and over again is Not Fine. 

It is interesting that we are on this topic, because I just finished "Driven to Distraction" and came across something Really Interesting concerning how the treatment process for ADD can go. The book talks about obstacles to the healing process, following the spectacular beginning when you walk out of the ADD fog and realize how much better you feel and so many things in your life now make sense. About a year after my diagnosis I just felt flat, my brain still working great, still doing better at work and home, even though there was not really much feedback at home. I did not ask for "Pats on the Back", I just wanted to set new perceptions and hope that they would set new expectations.

#1 in "Driven to Distraction" concerning obstacles: "Certain key individuals in the person's life - teacher, parent, SPOUSE, employer, friend - do not accept the diagnosis of ADD. They do not "Believe in" ADD, and they don't want to talk about it... They make the ADD feel like a fraud or a faker"  Wow... All the remarks about my "Speed" and weight loss. Every symptom I described is something everyone hates or does themselves. We still can barely discuss anything about ADD and I only bring it up because our DD#1 was diagnosed and I "Try" to shed some light on certain actions/reactions/behaviors my daughter may have done to bring up a discussion.

Even more almost made my jaw drop when I read a possible "Why" my spouse could dismiss ADD. "Often those objecting to the diagnosis will be using their objections to conceal an emotional agenda. They may be angry with the person being diagnosed. They may resent him for all past sins, and they don't want to see him get off with just a diagnosis. They want punishment. So they will get angry at the notion of ADD and try to discredit it." It goes on to say "These angry feelings are totally understandable and valid; however they should not be used to invalidate a correct diagnosis of ADD"

These two passages Sum Up most of the last 3 years of our marriage. I understand well that I don't get a "Get out of jail Free Card" and don't expect every little thing I try to do better be mentioned to me. I've been active hear for two years, to keep my education and awareness in perspective. I have told my DW about this website many times. I bought "Is it You, Is it Me or Adult ADD" in hopes that she would read it after me, or together so she would know she was not alone in the things that she has gone through with me. She did not want to read the book and to my knowledge never visited this site. I went with her to couples therapy (Her Psychologist that she had seen off and on for years) I accomplished the goals we setup. Since then I have asked that we go back to work through some of the issues that we are stuck on and she does not think it is needed.

My plan is to keep working on my ADD, watch my daughters and assist with their ADD and hopefully the Anger my DW has for me and ADD will get better. I'm a "Work In Progress". Maybe your spouse will eventually put together the way his actions have affected your marriage too. If I could have the "Light Bulb Moment", anyone can :)

Thanks, Masmam1 for the feedback :)

No problem!

My DH read "Driven to Distraction."  I read "Married to Distraction."  This is in combination with many other things.  The diagnosis, for me, just explained everything - why he was such a jerk sometimes, and that he could be (gasp...) "nicer" to me.  He hated the meds, so he just quit taking them.

I was the one with the light bulb moment.  I moved out 2 months ago.  Not only could I not accept his behavior any longer, I truly realized that I needed a lot of work too.  I think my resentment and his denial of his diagnosis were what was breaking us apart.  (I'm trying to remember where I read about resentment... it might be one of the blogs here.)

I chuckled when you said "pat on the back" because although my DH didn't ask for it, but he all but asked for it with everything he said/did.  I told him, "I don't get a pat on the back when I do household chores.  I do it because it needs to be done.  No one's dangling carrots for me."  That didn't reach him.

Take care,

Too much water under the bridge...

That was what I feared / fear the most. I'm 46 and after my diagnosis I would have understood if too much damage had been done. I asked my DW this exact question. I've always said "Everyone is a pain in the ass", so we try to find someone who can put up with us. Two way street... We always agreed on the statement, so why is it now so hard? BTW, I've always done my fair share around the house and in regards to the children, I may have been oblivious to a lot of things, but I knew I needed to do my share. Carrots should not be needed, either... But on weekends where I'm going 90 mph all weekend knocking out chores/projects, don't blow up at me over one of the things not going right as if I had Half-Assed the job, with no acknowledgment of all the other things completed. I used to just feel guilty and shut-down knowing that I mis-planned again and wondered where I went wrong. Not anymore... I will not accept sudden anger thrown at me before anything is even discussed. I will not accept the secondary role in only the scripts she chooses. It sucks when you work hard to please your spouse only to get blown-up over a mistake, when most is good. Maybe this is my taste of what you Non-ADDer's have gone through with the Angry ADDer. It seems this is the difference in my house compared to most ADD/Non-ADD houses. 

Passive ADDer / Angry Non-ADDer household here...

Thanks again...  

LOL

"...don't blow up at me over one of the things not going right as if I had Half-Assed the job, with no acknowledgment of all the other things completed."

I've been accused of being that way towards him!  But, I think it's usually half assed anyway.  Maybe that's my Type A personality, neurotic side coming through.

 

Me, type B, but not as much as before :)

I think I'm quite a bit OCD about just about anything I do. I get into trouble because I tend to over-commit on the number of projects in a time-line because of my notoriously poor time awareness. I have improved about 1,000% in this area, so Now that I actually see all the stuff that needs to be done, my Type B disappears because it seems like there is no way to ever get reasonable feeling of "Caught up" and on schedule. Also, many of the home improvement projects are simple things to my DW, so I try to explain roughly about the time required to complete it. My efficiency has improved compared to Pre-Diagnosis Me that I'm still surprised at how quickly I can move the the scary "What the Hell do I do first and What the Hell have I committed to Phase". I'm a programmer too, so my job is the same way. They tell me they want be able to do this user interface to take their existing process screen, which takes 5 hours to complete, and push the "Easy Button" and magically do the job in one push. The Over-Whelm phase used to take forever, until the deadline adrenaline rush gave me the clarity to break things up into manageable pieces that I could string together and complete the "Easy Button".

My previous example was also referring to a weekend where my DW needed to work both days, so I had to try and prioritize the list myself and take care of the endless interruptions in my plans from keeping the kids occupied, fed, refereeing disputes, and all that goes with it AND trying to make it seem to my DW that all was good so she would not feel guilty about working, which she does... When she get's home things were really chaotic (Not representative of the weekend at all) I was trying to finish a section of fence in the dark and she came out and gave me an earful. I was not Type "B" at all in this moment.

I think part of our issues are defined by this exact reaction to the situation. She would blow-up, I would absorb it, later she would apologize for blowing up and explain why she was upset, I would say "It's okay", but that was when I could not react in the moment and give a quick counter point. I can now and I don't accept the old pattern anymore. Blowing up completely out of nowhere, without finding out what is going on is unacceptable to me. I Never did this to her and I Taken it plenty, sometimes in the past I deserved it. I read another post you made about "If you keep taking the same, nothing will ever change", or something like that ;) I wish I knew when things will be "Normal", whatever That is... 

LOL * 2

I always always got in "trouble" because I blew up over what was not done instead of what was done.  In my case however, ex w/ADD would choose the path of least resistance and do the easiest thing-say empty the dishwasher- and expect to still get full credit for what wasn't done because he "meant to do it" - in reality he did one thing,  got distracted by everything else more fun or stimulating - Xbox, coffee shop, phone call, etc- and ran out of time.  So aha!  He can find a way to turn it to blame me for being unreasonable.  Bad Kat! :-) 

I'm glad to provide the comic relief ;)

If I only emptied the dishwasher, then there would be REAL Trouble ;) Would you believe I don't Ever play the Xbox 360, PS3 or the Wii?!? I do like electronics, so sometimes I work in some time for my car stereo or computer, but I get some real work done first ;)

Credit

Yes, wanting to get full credit for things that are supposed to be done as a matter of coarse? My DH too wants my verbal acknowledgment and "credit" for every minute thing he does yet we don't stop to itemize all that I do?  As in "You didn't even notice that I put my car in the garage tonight did you?" Atta boy.

DH addictive behavior relates too,

Apparently it is clear to me as to why his addiction to pornography is this addictive,DH overworks himself too much in the day at work that he is toooo tired to make the move in having S,he finds it less tiring to masturbate rather than go all the way out(too exhausting)WOW!!! his ADHD is on the "hyperactive side"and then he is not hyperactive for me in the night after work.

interesting.

lovehurts.