We have been together for over two years, living together for one. He has undiagnosed ADHD and has been self medicating most of his life. Fortunately, his addictions aren’t as bad as they could be and are smoking, alcohols, sugar and speed (motorcycle). By sheer will, he had all but quit smoking and drinking but when he slows doing one, another increases.
I just learned that he recently started smoking again and has been keeping it from me. I feel so betrayed and hurt and am having a heard time getting past it. Now, when he’s not with me, I’m always thinking the worst.
Ive been trying to get him into therapy for an official diagnosis and meds but he was without insurance for a while and now that he’s on state insurance the HMO has taken four months to refer him to a therapist. I’m the meantime, he’s prescribed him Lexapro for depression, which has helped slightly.
But the addictions, are a symptom of the ADHD and dopamine deficiency and I’m trying to be patient but it’s so hard.
I've been trying??
Submitted by c ur self on
**I've been trying** is a statement that a parent might make while discussing their out of control teenager, when it comes to behavior modification....It's also a statement you can read on this web site by many spouses who think they have the power to change another human.....It has taken me many years to stop making that statement, and more importantly not trying to change another adult human being, who loves their life, and wishes I would shut-up, and leave them alone....So I have....And life is great for both of us....(Great in the fact, each other's choices aren't questions, but, maybe not so great in what is going to happen to our lives, and our marriage....We will all reap what we sow!)
Based on your post you are in a very unhealthy place psychologically, and emotionally, (Mothering an adult) all because you refuse to accept the life he loves....You probably should step away from this relationship (person)...it sounds like the life he loves isn't one you desire....It's could be worse, you could be married to him....
c
Your Needs
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
I'm wondering what your needs are here. For safety? For love? For trust? Can you focus on those needs and how you can get them met? You cannot change his behavior or make him do anything. But you can get your needs met. It might mean leaving the relationship, but you owe it to yourself. You are responsible for your needs and if you turn your back on what you need you might spend your life blaming your partner but it will really be your fault for not attending to them.
Emotionally, he more than
Submitted by litlone873 on
Emotionally, he more than meets my needs. We have a beautiful relationship, very loving and affectionate. I am in no way interested in giving up on him or us.
Our only real issues are financial and the addictions that he wants to change but doesn't have the strength to do so. He wants to get into therapy and have a real diagnosis and is open to meds to help focus him. The problem isn't necessarily HIM other than his lack of focus and quick to be frustrated makes it so he can't follow up with the primary care provider to refer him to a mental health professional.
As for his addictions and how they affect me... in the beginning, I didn't think we were going to be more than just a few dates and I told him that I wasn't interested in smoking (cigarettes or marijuana) or drinking. He respected my feelings and didn't do them when we were together. Shortly after we became more than "just a few dates" he "quit" smoking for about six months until work started to stress him out and he started again. Still, not doing it when around me. So, I fell in love with him minus the bad habits. Since moving in, he rarely drinks, quit smoking a year ago and as reduced the marijuana intake. Quit smoking until about a month ago, which I just found out about. He's been sneaking it and lying to me about it. So now my trust is damaged. I'm not sure what is more damaging to me, the break in trust or the actual smoking, which I despise. As for him, I worry about his health, not only for himself but his son and for me. He's come leaps and bounds in becoming more healthy. He takes vitamins and does yoga where he NEVER did those things before, and he's happier for it.
I feel like if he can get some therapy and meds, than his need for these additive things will not be a need anymore. I want this not just for me but for him. He just gets so depressed when he can't focus on doing what needs to be done and therefore nothing gets done making his situation (whatever it is) worse.
I'm trying so hard to remember that it's the symptoms and not get angry or frustrated, but it's hard.
hello!
Submitted by pinkiemartini on
hi ... i see myself more or less reflected on what you described and let me tell you my experience so far of 9 months living together with him:
.. He really wants to change and he tells me that everyday ... but as soon something triggers his mind he backs to the old habits .. that also include one time because of his impulse, take 20 euros for smoking weed and he knew that was wrong and still did it.
We received two therapist per week and both of them told me: it is not your responsability to help him to change ... you can support him BUT if he doesn't do it for himself nothing will work. He has to recognize that he is the responsible of his own actions and dont let external factors change his mind from his goal: for example, quit smoking.
From what you describe, we are more or less alike, we both want them to see their own potential and work for it and dont give up ... but in my case it doesnt happen, no matter how hard he tries. He blames sometimes the doctors, he blames the past, he blames everyone except being responsible. And i have learned this in only 9 months of being with him in the same place (before we were in a long distance relation, Mexico and Netherlands)
What am I doing now? ... I am asking for some time out because I can't continue like this if he is still acting the same. They will always find an excuse and in beginning, I believed him ... now i just don't. When he took the money it hurt me ... why? because he could tell me and that is all I ask him .. tell me when you do it. He just didnt.
And then i also do the same as you ... I keep thinking myself is the symptoms .. but how much is really the symptom and how much is really the person doing what they do because they just dont care anything else in that moment? ... the line is very sutile ... but I will not let the situation drain me. And i dont see myself right now in a relation with im no matter how good and romantic and caring he is when he is doing good. Sometimes I even feel like I am in an abusive relation because of the way he acts and responds.
For now, I am going back to Mexico for some dental treatment but also to think really what will happen ... and if he really recognized and if he says he wants this relation with me, then work on it because no one else will help him except himself. It is not healthy, at least for me, to be 3 weeks "fine" and then 1 or 2 weeks of the worst, and then back again ... and he feels sad, and he regrets what he does .. but every time gets worse and worse.
Sadly, no matter how much I love him and care about him ..... maybe im wrong but the 3 therapists that come for him have told me the same: you will not change him, you should not take any responsability if he doesnt change and what hurt me more: you have waited too much here (considering that i left everything in Mexico to come to be with him and i am also living my adaptation process to this country)
EDIT: and the relation is not new ... we know each other since 13 years ago online. 7 years we have been friends and the last 6 years we date. We visited each other 3 times in each country. So of course it hurts me that this might not work at all .
Greetings.
Be Careful
Submitted by sickandtired on
Honey, if you think you might be in an abusive relationship, you ARE in an abusive relationship. Please be careful. He might become dangerous when you leave. It is the most dangerous time in a relationship, especially with someone like this who has serious mental illnesses. Do you have any friends there you can confide in? I hope so, or you could go to a woman’s support group. I’m sure his therapists could help you find a support group.