My mom said "I'm not sure if this is the 'real' him that you never knew, or if this is a manifestation of the difficult situation he is in. Either way, it does not excuse poor behavior."
The poor behavior is my bf under-appreciating me, making excuses for not trying to meet my needs, and being condescending to me. I am trying to figure out if this is part of his personality or a defense mechanism for the ADHD thought-process.
He has been unsuccessfully applying to jobs for almost a year. On Monday night I helped him write a great cover letter for a job (I am a good writer and work as an editor) and he barely thanked me. During the week he gets caught up in whatever he is doing and doesn't make time for me. He texts me here and there and doesn't make plans or have real conversation. Last night he didn't text me back for a while (I had texted him wanting to hear about his day), and he said it was because he was "deep in conversation" at a bar with some guy he knew from law school. I told him I don't know the last time we were deep in conversation, and I need him to plan face-to-face time where he expresses interest in talking to me. I tried to explain my feelings, that I am working all the time and feel like he does whatever he wants without regard to what I want. He said he just can't meet my needs, and I said it seems like he doesn't want to because he didn't even try. Then he had the nerve to say to me that he is "really tired of hearing about how I am not working." As if by me saying I am working I am criticizing him for not working? As if I would criticize him after helping him with the letter? I told him I don't feel appreciated in regard to helping him with the letter, and he just said "I really do appreciate it, but I'm still applying, still moving." It sounds like he is a celebrity looking for his next role!
He is not showing appreciation or humility. He only calls me or sees me when it is convenient for him. He gives acquaintances more undivided attention. He isn't close enough to anyone else to where they would actually tell him their feelings and expect him to consider them. He constantly tells me I make him feel not good enough, and then he acts like he is better than me and doesn't have to address my feelings. He has been acting more this way since he has been living with his parents and siblings, who have a superiority complex and are rude to each other. My mom said he is treating me like the enemy, which I have said before. He is lovey-dovey on the weekends when we are together and then treats me this way during the week when he is living at home. Can someone try to help me understand if this is ADHD or something else?
Symptoms versus a diagnosis
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello crossingfingers,
I am not a specialist in any medical or college educational form. I cannot address the question of 'Is this ADHD?' But I certainly share my interpretation of the behavior.
It all feels so familiar. I do not feel appreciation from my spouse, who does indeed have have an ADHD wired brain. I do feel his condescension towards me. He indicates I cause him to feel "not good enough." When I try to address any of his poor behaviors that affect me - it is always followed up with - or more accurately, what I am saying is cut-off with a loud BUT, and then he loudly defends his actions.
For myself, after trying very intensely for over three years to address this situation in our relationship - I am worn out and broken.
Probably not very encouraging for you, but your words rang true to me this morning.
Thanks
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
Hi I'm So Exhausted,
Thanks for your response. It helps just to hear that someone else understands these patterns and my interpretation is not demanding or unreasonable. I'm sorry to hear that you are also on the receiving end of similar actions.
What strikes me is that it sounds like you have tried really hard to address these issues in your relationship, and I am reminded that it is not just up to one person to do so. That probably doesn't sound very encouraging either, but sometimes I think it's good to remember that it isn't entirely our responsibility to work on it.
does it matter?
Submitted by lynninny on
So, two cents, from a woman in her forties who has had several relationships, including a marriage for 12 years to a spouse with untreated ADHD. I hear your mom, and she sounds like a wise woman. You may never understand if this is ADHD or something else. You may never get an explanation. Can you excuse this behavior? Ask yourself why you want to.
You sound like you are not fulfilled or happy. You sound like it doesn't work for you to be with someone who does not express appreciation or does not address your feelings. I have been there. I tried to find explanations, work through them. I settled. I excused it. I tried not needing things. I tried asking him to change a bit. I found ADHD and was happy for a while that there was an explanation. And I realized years later, that it did not matter if it was ADHD or if he had a horrible childhood or he was just a self-centered person or if our personalities just didn't mesh. Wishing won't make it so. Waiting for someone to change is life-draining. And being unable to meet your needs could very well be making him quite unhappy, too, and make him feel inadequate or not good enough.
Ask yourself honestly: why do this? Is he wonderful, and these are just a few issues that bug you? Or are you settling, trying to make it work, worried about being alone, scared to end a relationship that is not good for you, or lacking the self-esteem to be alone and wait for something better? Do you really, really love and adore him? Or are you seeing his true self and realizing that it is just not a good fit?
Sorry if this sounds harsh. I wish that someone had said these things to me when I married someone and wasn't listening to that little voice in there. A slow decline, our kids, and lots of pain later. My best to you.
I should just copy and paste
Submitted by MFrances on
I should just copy and paste lynninny's post. I agree with it so much. You're mom does sound like such a wise woman. You are so blessed to have a mom that will give you an honest opinion and advice. She's saying it out of love and years of living. How I longed to have someone in my life to give me advice. I read your post and see my younger self in past relationships feeling all the same ways and hoping it will be different each time. I can tell you it did not improve.
Thank you
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
Thanks, yes you are right about my mom. I am lucky to have her. Thank you for your input as well. I am trying to be realistic without being cynical or suspicious, and without being overly optimistic when things go well. It is such a difficult balance to strike, especially because he is so inconsistent that my expectations fluctuate. I am trying to see how I do with expecting inconsistency without accusing him of it and getting mad about it. The hardest thing is trying to stop guessing what he is thinking and making negative assumptions. I am trying to be more positive and patient.
Just what I need to hear
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
Thanks lynninny, I appreciate being pushed to consider my decisions and why I make them. It shouldn't matter what the reason is for him acting that way. I think I try to be forgiving and understanding because he is a good person, but there is probably a difference between that and making excuses. I should stop trying to analyze him.
What complicates things is that he is my best friend. We have a unique connection. I feel so differently now than I did five days ago because we had a good weekend. I felt like he was really trying to pay attention and be positive. He went out of his way to touch me affectionately and pay attention to conversations. What I am realizing is that he expresses his feelings in actions and not as often in words. I feel more lonely during the week when I think that not saying things = not thinking them, which for him isn't true. He eventually told me that he got drinks with his friend because he was able to relate to him about being an underemployed attorney. He usually doesn't reach out to people, so I am glad he did. Maybe if I am more understanding of him and give him more benefit of the doubt, we will argue less.
I feel like I can't really decide if we are a good fit until he is on his own and working. I am trying to understand the idea that he shows affection and his feelings in nonverbal ways, and that just because he isn't telling me things while we are apart doesn't mean he doesn't feel them. I think I can be okay with it and just focus more on myself when we aren't together. I am trying to be more trusting. I'm definitely not afraid to be alone, I really do care about him. I am still wary of the fact that he tends to blame me for his low self-esteem, and I notice the pattern of our arguments. I'm also frustrated with the fact that he sleeps in every day and can't seem to get it together, but I am trying to remember that I don't have to fix those problems. I just read somewhere the old phrase that one must be able to care for oneself before they can care for others. I have to remember that he is having trouble getting things in order to care for himself, and even though it drives me crazy, it limits what he can give in terms of a partnership right now.
I'm sorry to hear about the pain involved in your situation. There is definitely pain in mine too. I will keep trying to listen to the little voice.
Where does this road lead?
Submitted by c ur self on
"From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" See this for what it is, and live your life wisely, do not let your emotions and feelings drive you to something that will create only pain for you...I would not listen to others who loved me, and could see more clearly than I. Who had no rose colored glasses to deal with. I do not regret my life, for God's Grace is sufficient, and he teaches me daily..."Our actions never lie"