Don't know where to begin, but need to get my feelings out before I implode. My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for 8. I had ADHD as a child (back when we all just assumed that we outgrew it), then was diagnosed again when I was 25, a year into our relationship. At the beginning of our marriage he took on the role as care taker basically...he payed all the bills (to keep them from being late or trashed), he cooked (to keep from the house burning down), he did most of the cleaning (clearly my version of wiping AROUND the lamp and alarm clock were not good enough), he did all the research (to keep me from impulsively buying a car because it was shiny and I was bored with car shopping), etc. I guess I never realized how much he took on, in addition to my adorable quirks of forgetting to turn off the oven, forgetting to lock the door, not being careful and spilling peach crystal light on our new carpets, leaving my car keys in the freezer (as I write this I realize what a joy I must be to live with). To make matters worse, whenever I did something wrong or forget to do simple things, like wipe down the counters after making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and he pointed it out to me, I would get defensive and we would fight. But still we were happy. After 3 years of marriage, we tried to get pregnant and had trouble, so I became an overly sensitive ADHD woman injected with all sorts or hormones, off adderall, and dealing with disappointment month after month. Don't I sound like a catch. He was wonderful throughout that whole ordeal, and most men would have ran, but he loves me. Now we have 2 beautiful girls who are almost 2 and bring us nothing but joy...okay that's a lie, with the joy also comes a lot of stress and even more arguing. Now we fight about 3 times a week on average. I work full time as a second grade teacher in the inner city, plus I'm the primary caretaker of the girls (he is an amazing father though). I'm up with them every morning at 5:00, get them and myself dressed and ready for the day, take them to daycare, drive to work, work all day, drive home, pick them up, make and feed them dinner, clean up, play, get ready for bed, bathe, put to bed. My husband comes home in time to play and help with baths. It's our system, our routine, and it works. The problem is that it doesn't allow for much time for me to pay attention to detail, remember things, communicate like a normal human being, and it leaves me drained to show any attention to my husband after the girls go down. I'm well aware of this, but if he says something about it, I get defensive and angry that he doesn't understand how much work it is. My ADHD is wonderful when I'm marching around the house singing songs with my girls, but not so much when I completely forget to clean the kitchen floor from dinner, then when he gets home from work and steps on a mushed up carrot, he gets mad at me for not cleaning it up, and I get mad at him for yelling at me, then it begins. He gets mad at me for everything, and my response is to shut down. I hate confrentation...this only makes him more angry and he starts getting mean, telling me how hard it is to live with me, calling me names, telling me I have no common sense, pointing out how much he does and doesn't get any appreciation for, letting me know he feels ignored, etc. I go into shut down mode, and stay there for awhile.
Now I feel like I can't do anything right...ever! He constantly tells me that I ruin things. Like "We were having such a good day and you had to ruin it" or "way to ruin mother's day." I work and think differently, this frustrates him to no end. I either rush us when he wants to take his time or I'm "all-over-the-place" when he wants to move with urgency...and since I can't communicate properly this turns into a fight. I don't do well backed into corners, getting made to feel like shit, and I won't apologize when I feel attacked...but who's to say he's attacking...me...and I have no common sense so you can't trust me to know what I'm talking about.
I try so hard, I do the laundry, the dishes, clean the kitchen, clean the living room, and take care of 2 toddlers, with a full-time job...I feel great about myself...untill I forget to shut the window when I put on the air-conditioner (something that he asked me to do at least 54 thousand times) Then I'm right back to feeling like a failure at everything
I know he feels left out now, not getting much of my attention. I know 2 kids can take a toll on any married even without ADHD, but I just want to be happy and I want to make him happy, unfortunately I don't anymore and he has no problem telling me so.
So that's a start into how I'm feeling...thank you if you took the time to read and make sense of my ramblings