His Mother in the way

My in laws came to visit us over the weekend. His mother is very controlling and want things her way. I have try to please them as much as I can. Still my husband tend to blow it off with his mother over small thing. Such as so when are you coming over to our place. she said at 10:00 am but noon she is still not here... she shows up at 1 pm. He get mad and start a fight. then they cool off... then she starts picking on him, why your shirt has a hole in it and you are wearing it. You need to check this out you can't have this here or there. Why you kid is eating that... you shouldn't let him eat that. On the top of all that... she then come to me... she said in our family that how we do thing and you should be doing that. I said to her well.... I am glad it is working for you but I am not going to do that. then she turn to my husband and tell him again that we should do thing her way.

We stay overnight at hotel... with a connect room... she always favor my son... she wants him to sleep in her room and I said fine. but my daughter will feel bad... then she said okay we can have both so you and my son can talk... what she mean she want me to have sex with him.  That day.. my daughter got a high fever... my son with stomach ache. I gave him a bath and send him over. my daughter still out of it and sleeping I try to give her the med and to send her there.. but she wants to sleep with me. In my head I was thinking it might not be a good idea to sleep with her brother on the sofa bed he might get sick from her. I have tried to move her to her sofa bed but she want to stay on my bed. She tell her father to get off the bed. I told him to get off until she is clam and sleeping. and the worst to come for him to sleep on the sofa bed. He got angry start kicking and yelling. He goes to his mother room and she tell him your wife is wrong you should be sleeping with her. Go back there. He come back and he start yelling at me... I told him she is sick and I have to wait until i can move her or you can sleep on the sofa bed. He yell again... then he said you and my mother are the same I hate you both. At the end He went to his mother room and slept with my son on the sofa bed.

The next mooring at breakfast I told the in law that I didn't like how he was yelling at me. She said well he wants to sleep with you. I said to her... would you sleep with someone who is yelling at you and calling you a name? He turn me off. Then she said well you can't let your daughter get what she wants. I told her she was sick with a fever... she was up 4 time at night I have to check her fever and give her the med. I didn't get a good sleep.  Even my daughter when she wake up... she saw an empty open sofa bed...and said I want to sleep here tomorrow. (we were only staying one night) She is only 3 years old. I told my daughter that I have tried to put you in bed but you want to sleep with mommy. she said that because I was sick.  but his mother still think  I was wrong and she was right.

I told her that she seem in my way in the marriage.... he is always checking with her to whatever I said. I told him right in front of her.. that you are disrespecting my opinion and you keep checking with her. You don't have to like what I said but you need to stop asking her of what I said if I am right or wrong.  She seem to be in the way of my marriage.  I told her she needs to back off.  She doesn't comment much when he is rude to her because he talk to him like a child she give him order and tell him what to do like a kid. But to me she tell me that I was  rude for not not allowing him to sleep in room. I didn't tell him he can't sleep in the room... he just wouldn't wait until I can move her to the sofa bed. At the end.... even if he did sleep in my bed... I don't think i am going to sleep with him when he is been rude. he tells her everything. That what bothering me the most. He tells her everything but I am not allow to tell her anything if he did something I didn't like or I think it is not right.  she hate me for not telling her anything. She wants to know everything so she can point and tell me no no... and her way is the best way.  How do I have a nice relationship with them with out getting into his problem with ADD and his mother in the way?

Thanks.

Bless your heart!

You have a lot of complicating factors in your marriage, and ADD might be the least of them. For lack of better advice, I would just say NEVER travel with the in-laws again..and limit your time with them as much as humanly possible. No need to add the stress of that crap onto everything else you're up against. She is meddling and he's enabling it by 'telling her everything'. You don't need that in your life. Of course ideally you'll ask him to stop, make him understand how it negatively affects you, and he'll stop...but is that a reality? What you do with your children (and husband for that matter) is none of her business. Put it out of your mind and do not worry about her opinion of how things should be done. Anyone that would expect you to put your tantruming husband above your sick baby girl isn't worth the time of day in my opinion.

It does sound as though his mother is part of his problem. She's never helped him be a man, she's still wanting to treat him like a child. I hope someday he sees this. I am sorry I don't have any better advice...I wish I did.

Pink's picture

never end

As soon I knew they were leaving yesterday... and my kids were heading to school for the first day. (he doesn't work). I told him I need a few shopping buy a cake for my son's birthday (tomorrow) he will be 7 and to buy some food for dinner. He said fine with (anger). He tells me that he need to pick up the girl at 3 pm from school and my son leave the school on bus at 4. Done deal... I get home around 5 pm.

at 3:30 pm he calls me yelling telling me.... I can't pick up your daughter and you need to call someone to pick her up. I ask him where are you... it doesn't matter. He starts getting more angry and calling me names. (I am at work) I still do not know where he is. I call the school and they told me that they are trying to reach out to my husband and he didn't' pick up the girl. I told them to please let her go with her friend (happen to live in the same bldg as us). Even I try to call the mother but didn't pick up the phone. I just pray that thing will work out. Then, I have to ask my boss to leave right away to make it home for my son's bus.

I called his mother and ask her if she know where he is... she said he was having lunch with her at the airport. I said why? she said because she is mad at him and she needs to talk to him. I told her that I have a plan with him today. and why didn't he call me and tell me? She said that is not my problem. I said did he tell you that he needs to pick up the kids after the school...? she said yes... but it is not our job to tell him that you don't have time to have lunch with us and you won't make it on time for your kids.  I said to her... that your son have ADD and he doesn't know how to check ahead for the time and how much time he needs to be there. Why would you let him go with you to the airport? She said well...that is not my problem. (she wants him there because she wants to talk and complain to him but she won't tell me that.).  I said to her... it is the first day of the school and no one is there to pick them up... and I am at work. She said well... I can't pick up the kids for you. At that point, I just couldn't take it anymore from her. I told her I have something more important to worry about my kids than your problem with him.

Now... here is the email the father wrote to his son and me:

"Every time we come in there is a trauma. It is not something you can blame on us. I knew you were calling it close. I cannot believe you would take such a chance on the first day of school. We are worried about the children.

You say we treat you like a child, but you made the decision to be late and then to stick around for lunch. You should have asked me to just drop you off at the train station near the airport. The children should always come first. It is the adult's responsibility to know that.

Your wife told Mom we should have told you to go home to meet the children. It is not our responsibility and you would have had a fit - but it might have been the right thing to do. Your wife was correct to be worried about the children and we are worried as well."

At the end... I made it home before him... I pick up the girl from her friend house... I told the friend's parent that I have no idea what would I have done.. if they didn't't pick her up. Then my son came home from the bus.

Finally... my husband came home... I told him I don't have time to talk to you... I have to do shopping for the stuff I told you to do during the day.  I took the kids with me and did all the work. At the end of the day... he tell me that it was his mother fault.  I told him that he needs some serious help with making decision. I can't do this.... and this is not the first time he was late for my kids to pick them up.

 

grrrr

ooo, that story just makes me want to scream and shake him (and his mom).  He seems to really need some sort of wake up call.

My guy has a (huge) problem with time management as well.  On the rare occasion I need him to pick up my son, I call him twice, once with a 5 minute warning and once with a "leave now".  And I don't tell him this, but the leave now part is 10 minutes earlier than I would leave - just in case.  My son is 8 now and starting to be fairly self-sufficient.  I don't really want more kids, but if I did I would really hesitate to have them with him (much as I love him) because it is so hard to depend on him.  If he were to be late though, he would be really sorry, not defensive and he never calls me names.

Pink's picture

The Mohter is really is the way

The Mother is really is the way. She is worst than him. She wants everything her way and only her way. As you can see from the father email... he always on her side for some reason and they like to be right all the time. They want to have a full control. When I tell her to back off she gives me the look with anger like you can't tell me what to do. I am doing this and this what I am going to do. My counselor told me that she is rude and they are not respecting me.  But there she wants her way and my son wants his way... they both fight like a kids and put me in the middle of it. It causing me a lot of trouble and neither of them take the responsibility.  I end up with the hurt and trying to fix it.

Hey Pink

I'm so feeling your in-law story... My ADD hubby always favored his family over me. His mom, his sister, his brother... It really hurts my feelings as he's supposed to be on my side! He's supposed to stick up for me. We're supposed to be a team! His mom might be in the way but, it's really up to him to put his wife and children before his mom and she should respect that. Maybe she has ADD? I grew up with a sister who always demanded her own way and mom taught us it was better to be good to her than to have to deal with her temper. We all just enabled her I think. I don't talk to her anymore.

After my husband figured out that he should see a doctor, his family convinced him that I was the problem. He did not get the help he needed for a few more years after that. My husband takes his meds now but, he didn't tell them about the ADD diagnosis, I did. Since then, I have only been polite to them as they seem to be able to use anything I say as ammunition against me. It would be easier if I didn't talk to them anymore either.

Hope you find a better way to deal with it!  :)

I agree with Sherri

You absolutely shouldn't be interacting with that woman in my opinion.  Or at least limiting it to the required polite exchanges, and not staying under the same roof and such.

In my opinion it is your husband that needs to break the ties, stop telling his mother things and tell her to butt out.  I, however, have no idea how to make that happen - from what you have said before, he doesn't seem very likely to respond well to a request like that.  In my relationship it wasn't at this stage, but early on he shared a couple of things with his mother (basically not knowing how to *deal* with me and asking her advice).  I completely blew a gasket and told him in no uncertain terms that our issues are OUR issues and not to be discussed with other people, especially without my permission.  He appeared to get it, and hasn't done that since.

I hope you manage to figure this out.