Let me start by saying I have undiagnosed ADHD, married to a man who was diagnosed as a child. He was also medicated as a child, but stopped taking medication as soon as he turned 18. He's now in his late 20s and we have been together for 6 years. Recently he is taking another look at getting on some medication. He tried 40mg of Strattera daily, and the side effects were horrible. Not only did he not sleep for 4 days (until he quit the meds, thank god) but he immediately because more sensitive, less joyful... just kind of "down." The "down" effect took weeks to wear off. Could have also been the disappointment that the meds didn't work out as he'd hoped. Anyway, he wants to try again but this time with sleeping pills to counteract the sleeplessness. Oh and let me also mention I will probably NEVER get on meds, as I have been able to (mostly) set up my life to where everything is functioning at a reasonable level. Most of the time anyway.
Anyway, I'm torn. I have conflicting thoughts/feelings on the matter:
-I want to be supportive of his choices. We live in a kind of "natural" community; and many other people are vocal about their opinion that he should NOT medicate under any circumstances. I'd like to be a voice of support and understanding for him, as I can see he very much needs this. Also I don't think anyone has the right to hold opinions on someone ELSE's course of treatment, or their decisions about their own body. That includes me; I wouldn't want him weighing in on my personal medical decisions, and I don't think it's fair for me to try to sway his. I understand his desire to "fix the problem" of his ADHD, especially with regard to his job (which is less flexible and forgiving than mine) and around the house (where I am constantly asking for more help).
-Still, I'd be lying if I said I was completely on board. I'm afraid. There are a lot of things I fear in this situation. I am afraid the side effects will make him unbearable; like last time with the no sleeping thing. Also, I fell in love with him, raging ADHD and all; will he change? I think his moments of hyperfocus are endearing and his quirks are charming; I don't want to give them up in exchange for better organization, or memory, or whatever. I don't want him drugged 24/7 and losing the parts of ADHD that are positives just so he can be more like everyone else. I know with the right meds the change is not supposed to be that noticeable but that doesn't remove the fear I am feeling. On the other hand, I feel strongly that I love him and not his ADHD, but it's part of him, I can't seem to separate the two.
-Then there's the feeling that having similar issues is like a bond between us. I like that we can laugh together about our shared craziness. I love that we understand eachother because we struggle with the same things. If he goes off and gets better it's like he's leaving me all alone in a struggle I thought we shared.
I've tried telling him the conflicting things I'm feeling but he's quite sensitive about it. He already thinks I'm "against it" even though I've told him it's his decision and I support him. I've tried telling him how much I value and love him AS IS, and that I'm not trying to control him or make decisions for him. If I mention side effects like moodiness, he says he's afraid I'm going to attribute every negative thing to the meds, when sometimes he might be having just a bad day. I want to have open and honest discussions about something that is ultimately his choice, but affects us both... but he gets really defensive right away and doesn't seem to want to talk about it. Then I feel like he thinks I'm not supportive and he feels alone.
Most of all I don't want to lose him; I don't want to trade him in for a more organized, less distracted, and (to me) less interesting version of himself. I'm scared. What should I do?