I've been posting on this forum for a long time, and many of you have been very kind to me. I hate to keep beating my head against this wall without result.
Now I feel like a rat in a maze, everywhere I turn I find a brick wall.
I have asked DH in the past to ask his doctor for a referral to someone who does cognitive behavioral therapy. He has not done so, partly because his boss (at a mental health agency) said he's never heard of cognitive behavioral therapy for ADHD and partly because he thinks he's fine the way he is. So my husband had an appointment yesterday with his psychiatrist who prescibes meds for his ADHD and depression. This doctor told him he didn't need to come back for 3 months, and once again, no mention of any therapy/coaching to get my husband into more "normal" behaviors.
So obviously, nothing is going to change. He thinks everything is fine. I should just lighten up about not having heat in our house, him doing nothing to assist in running our home, him not paying for me to have surgery to correct a physical problem that prevents me from working in the field I just got a degree in, etc. I am financially dependent on him because I can not work without correcting this problem.
So I have no money and no way to live independently. I also do love my husband and I believe that, when I appear in that paper towel roll (one of Melissa's analogies) and he remembers that he's married, he loves me. But I do not have an acceptable quality of life.
I can sometimes see that he's trying. He is asking me where a towel is and trying to take a towel in the bathroom when he takes a shower instead of running around wet on our hardwood floors. He promised to read Melissa's book but I don't believe he will. He has a rule that he can only pick up a book once. If he can't finish it in one sitting, he never goes back. (I think this is weird.)
The main problem is that he absolutely thinks he's fine as long as he takes meds and all the problems are mine. Is there any way to get through to him or is it going to be pretty much "take him or leave him" with no real progress towards solving our problems? Does anyone have any ideas?
I don't know what more to say
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I don't know what more to say that I haven't already said. I did want to mention that CBT is recommended for people with ADHD, but the truth of the matter is, he could get help from his psychiatrist if he were to admit he needed the help. Seems CBT and coaching are ideal but not mandatory. What IS mandatory is that he admit there is a problem.
Also, I know it has been said before, and it warrants repeating...you have to stop looking at yourself as a victim in this marriage. This role you have taken on is clearly as destructive to YOUR happiness as are his behaviors. I know you've got limited physical abilities, but for the life of me I cannot figure out why you are so mad at him for not taking on the extra work to get a surgery you need in order to put to use your degree. Would it be a wonderful, loving gesture for him to do so? Absolutely!! But it are you really going to spend the rest of your life glaring at your degree sitting on the mantle (metaphorically speaking) and being pissed that he won't/didn't get a 2nd job to pay for a surgery you needed in order to put it to use? Is that what you really want? There is no way you can blame that 100% on him. It would be something MOST husband's would do...but that isn't the husband you have. You have one (like many of us here) who requires you do a LOT more for yourself than most. You either get used to it, and start coming up with solutions for yourself and your situation, or you spend the rest of your life mad at him and blaming him for your limitations. Reality is what it is, lady. You cannot bitch and make it go away. You cannot cry and make it go away. You cannot nag and make it go away. What you CAN do is sit down and come up with a plan to raise the money...or start giving someone you trust small monthly amounts until you save the money for your surgery...SOMETHING is better than nothing. Whether he CARES or not that you have heat is irrelevant...you don't have heat and he isn't doing anything about it. Whether he CARES or not about your surgery is irrelevant, he isn't doing anything about it. How long do you continue in this hellish limbo before enough is enough? Stop waiting for him to change your circumstances...you are sealing your own fate if you do.
Well, Sherri, I guess you told me
Submitted by Sueann on
I guess you think it's ok for my husband to not treat his ADHD except for taking meds. He isn't to be held accountable for losing/damaging things or keeping promises.
Please remember that my husband promised our marriage counselor that he would provide for my medical needs.
You do not know all the details. My husband makes enough to pay rent, the payment for the car he's required to have for his job and gas. The utility bills and food come out of my $108 a week unemployment. There is no way to save anything without increasing the income.
I can't do jobs that require me to be on my feet, like waitressing or pizza delivery because of a congenital handicap and the damage from a car accident. I can't be a paralegal (my degree) because I'm severely incontinent. I've tried all the medicines and they don't work. I've had one surgery and it didn't work. Paralegals have to dress professionally and interact with clients. They also have to keep minute-by-minute billing records of what case they are working on each minute. No way could I go to the bathroom every half hour. I have several accidents every day, so I can't see interacting with clients until this is solved.
I supported my husband for 2 1/2 years while he chose not to work. I didn't do it because I wanted him to do the same for me some day, I did it because I love him, and knew that he was in trouble (even though I never understood it). But the fact that he sees me cry every day over a treatable condition that I can't afford to treat and it does not bother him hurts. I don't know how to make it not hurt. Maybe I am too sensitive but I feel totally lost. Why am I supposed to bend over backwards to change myself to accommodate his ADD but he doesn't have to accommodate me?
Sueann, I do not think
Submitted by SherriW13 on