Hitting a low spot on the journey

Married 25 years, together 34....husband just diagnosed with ADHD last summer.  January 6th he started Adderall, and our life changed.  Could NOT have been any better.  Finally, he has focus, clarity, understanding...things have come a LONG, LONG, LONG way for us...lately though, we are at a standstill.  Well, I am at a standstill.  He cannot seem to grasp that anything is less than perfect.  I keep talking with him, hinting to him, and also flat out telling him, what the issues are at hand.  He acknowledges me, listens to me, seems to understand me, even thanks me most times, for what he says is "bringing it to his attention", but that's where it stops.  

I feel like it is all my job now, to make this life of ours exciting and fun and enticing for him, or he could fall back into the old patterns again (looking around).  I single handedly planned our 25th wedding anniversary trip to Vegas, when we got home, about three weeks later he had a "bonus" day off, and I booked an overnight in Atlantic City, to be fun and spontaneous and exciting.  We loved both things very much, but there has been Z E R O effort on his part to do anything for me.  I ask him to do "the little things" here and there,  and he's back to forgetting.  I must remind him a few times, and this is putting us right back in the parent/child dynamic we have had essentially since we met.

11 pm last night (a Friday night), yes late, but not horribly late, our 18 year old daughter, who will  be leaving for college in August (a mere 3 months from now), got chatty with us.  We were all sitting around just having a delightful conversation.  Husband makes a comment that he is tired, and going up to bed. Daughter seems to take it as a "no ones interested anymore comment" and goes in the other room.  I still sat there, and luckily she did return, and he did remain, and the conversation did continue, but what if it didn't?  He has ruined the relationship with both his kids (18 year old twins).  He has "precious and few" moments like this, and he blows it, by saying something stupid.  I JUST DON'T GET IT.

We were also asked to attend a party.  Though I know most of the people there, I don't know them as closely as husband does.  Asked him to please not go off and just leave me.  Pointed out that this was our first gathering together since his diagnosis and being on the Adderall. He seemingly understood AND AGREED.  Well we ate when we first got there, so he did sit by me, but then when the plates were clean, he was gone.  Off with the homeowner.  I ignored it initially, then got really frustrated.  Went over by him FOUR times, hoping he would get the hint, but he didn't.  Then, they came inside, and he asked me to join them for the "nickel tour" of the house.  I gladly went along.  Realizing 20 or so minutes into it, that we were going to discuss every lighting fixture past and present that was in the home, and the wood on the floor, and YES, the type of hinging on the kitchen cabinetry, I left them and went in another room.  When he was finally done with his tour, he joined me.  By then, it was more or less, time to go. So much for going to a party "together" as a "couple".  Part of me thinks, time to speak to the Psychologist, that maybe it's time for a medication tweek, the other part of me knows that this is as good as it gets.  That medication will only do so much, and HE needs to tweek himself, and make more conscious efforts to change.  We have come soooooooo very far, I hate to throw in the towel, run and not look back now, but I suppose the reality is, that, "this  is as good as it gets", and I'm having serious doubts if I can do another 25 years this way.  

Bright Spot To Consider

I know this may have sucked for you honey, but let me point something out that is a positive in your situation.

Your husband is allowing you to participate in treatment.

I went in to my husband's second visit very excited, as it seemed like we were on the right track.

My husband abruptly told me I was no longer welcome, as he perceived I was, "trying to rule his life."

Talk about happiness dashed.

He's no longer even seeing a shrink nor has any solid plans to.

Apparently, he believes he's, "got this."

Super bummer because really, in addition to the fact our marriage is a joke, as I can't actually have a meaningful conversation with him and will eventually file for a divorce, I actually had been super hopeful at that moment we would work it out.

There is no longer conflict in my house between him and I, simply because I quit bringing up the issues. My husband never got to a therapeutic level because, well, again the issue of terrible self evaluation and no one to balance it.

Count yourself lucky cuz he's still letting you in. My husband has probably begun to think everything is fine simply by virtue of no serious conversations.

Trust me, as sucky as it may feel, your situation is probably quite a bit better in the the long run.


Let me add, he was out of the house most of last year (first time ever, we were separated), and HE wouldn't let me be part of ANY of his treatment.  Said HE had to take care of it, it was HIS problem, and HE had to fix it.  Went to numerous doctors and appointments alone, by HIS choice.

Came to the end of last year, holidays and all, and he realized (lightbulb went on) that it was NOT only HIS problem, but he had single handedly taken the family down with him.  He realized he had, for the most part lost myself and our teenage twins, and it would be permanent, if he didn't do something.  He only then agreed that I needed to take over.  That what he was doing and where he was going wasn't working.  Got an appointment immediately with the GP, the Psychologist and the Psychiatrist.  Started the medication and I kid you not, by 2-3 days, I noticed that he was 80-90% improved.  Truly, a dream come true for me, and him too, I believe.

What he is NOT getting, is that relationships are work.  Constant, hard work.  He has come sooooooo amazingly far.  The "issues" we have here and there, I want to work on right away, so that we don't go down that dark and lonely highway ever again.  He just isn't "getting" that part, or appreciating that I care enough to want to fix the issues as they arise, I don't really know at this point.

I am terribly sorry that your situation is as bad as it is.  That is exactly where he and I were, until January 6th (day 1 of Adderall) I was looking to get feedback from others who are where we are in the journey, and looking for pointers. and suggestions on how to move in the right direction from here.  I sincerely hope that your husband will "let you in", and you can begin the journey side by side, fixing this "ADHD and Marriage" thing.  If not, I wish you the courage it will take to move ahead, and come to peace with the fact that you truly "gave it your best shot".