Yet another holiday has passed and I find myself saddened and frustrated.  My husband who has suspected he had add for many years was diagnosed about 4 or 5 years ago since then he has tried various meds and is currently taking adderall.  One of our biggest issues is holidays.  Most of the time he shuts down and in turn makes things a negative experience for all around him.  The only time he is happy is when he takes an extra dose of adderall or is drinking during a holiday.

Yet again we had another confrontation.  He spent the day on the couch ( this is how he spends his weekends)  and pretty much ignored everything.  I finally had enough and decided to end the day at where we were.  At that point the host asked why and I explained that he really didn't want to be there and I was just going to head out...the older kids had already taken off , in part due to his blah attitude. 

I tried explaining that his negative attitude and not wanting to particpate was very upsetting to me and it made me sad.  He said that he is not responsible for my happiness and that it isn't his problem that I am sad and that once again I was trying to place my unhappiness on him and blame him.  I have thought about this for several hours and while I understand that I am resposible for my unhappiness and being upset that I wish he could have some empathy for me.  I expained that I am tired of doing things by myself, that I have a  partner but most of the time I end up doing things alone and that is not what I thought a marriage should be. 

We tried counseling, he seemed to be in the hot seat a good deal of time, so he decided that he no longer wanted to attend.  Our communication attempts are not good.  He won't or can't communicate his thoughts or feelings. 

Am I being unreasonable expected his participation on some level ?  What can I do to avoid holidays being so upsetting ?  If I am to continue to do things without him am I better off single?

I have the same problem with

I have the same problem with my husband. Not only does he never want to attend his family functions (which i understand) but all but forbides me to go to mine. Which I do anyway, and he grudgingly goes, but pouts the entire time. It's almost to the point where I'll just start going without him. But then I have to explain why he's not there. And then I have to get the 3rd degree "why isn't he heere? Are you guys ok?" Then I get home and he's angry at me and pouts that I left him alone all day. So I loose if I bring him and he pouts, I loose if I dont bring him, deal with the 3,000 questions from my family and then deal with the pouting when I get home.

Why were holidays always ruined?

Before my husband was diagnosed, he picked a fight every holiday and birthday.  After diagnosis, I realized that he picked a fight because he didn't know how to "act" on those special days.  People without ADD learn social behavior by observing adults as we grow up.  I believe the ADD child is usually unable to pick up on and then imitate those social clues.  Even as adults we watch and learn from others in different situations.  ADDers are unable to do this.  He soon learned that he didn't have to "act" differently during those social occasions.....he could just be himself.  Since then, he enjoys himself.....he has taken the pressure off of himself. 


I hear you. I prepare myself for disappointment before EVERY special occasion and I'm usually still disappointed. It doesn't seem to matter how many times I've told him what I would like for him to do for me (we're not talking elaborate things here). I've even offered to make a big list of things that would make me feel great and he can just pick from the list. He says "no" to that because then it wasn't "his idea" and he's just doing what I "asked him to do". Where does that leave me if he doesn't ever seem to have any ideas of his own about how to make holidays special???

Can't ask too much

If we let our happiness on holidays depend on our ADDer, then we are bound to be disappointed.  I have decided that I will enjoy the day and that it's too bad that he is missing out....even though he's present.

reply to vcalkins

Just wanted to let you know that I totally agree with you on this.   

reply to newfdogswife

It's funny how I feel like I know most of the women (and the men) on this site.  It's such a sisterhood but sometimes it can be depressing.  I try not to read those posts.  We need to have a forum of funny or positive posts.