Apologies in advance for the long post - this is the first time I've ever gotten any of this out. I have read through SO many posts on this board, and it is amazing how much I can relate to so many of you. Whilst I have derived comfort from this, it also scares the absolute hell out of me.
I have been with my boyfriend for four years now (lived together for three), we are both in our early-mid twenties. He has just been diagnosed with severe ADHD - we are at the beginning of the process at the moment, so I am unsure as to what sub-type etc. at this stage.
I love my partner dearly, and he is such a caring, loving and friendly person - everyone that meets him adores him, he's just that type. However, I always knew there was something up. We have had horrible, vicious fights over what we can now identify as his ADHD symptoms. I have been hurt so deeply and so frequently by what I perceived as selfish, inconsiderate behaviour. I understand that this is a common theme amongst people in my situation. This has ALWAYS killed my boyfriend. His guilt is literally out of control; it's killing him. He hates hurting me, and he hates not being able to understand or control his thoughts/actions. Anyway, enough of that - I'm sure you're all too familiar with this sort of stuff, so I'll spare you the details.
Well, I don't even know what to say next. I mean, there is all so much. I love him more than anything, but I just don't know if I'm prepared to take this on for life. I could not imagine life without him. The last three years have been the hardest I've ever experienced. I have dealt with some personal tragedies, and managing the ADHD and lack of support (clearly unintentional) has been incredibly trying to say the least. I felt (naively) that once treatment and counseling/coaching and whatever else is on track, that everything would be okay. I'm scared. I want so much out of life, out of my future. Marriage and success is hard as it is, and throwing ADHD into the mix just compounds it all. I genuinely hope I do not offend anyone with this, but reading all of your posts terrified me. I do not want to be here in 20 years on a forum, frustrated, exhausted, married with children and venting about the negative impact that ADHD has had on my life. I do not want to have children with ADHD either.
But I love him dearly. I could not possibly leave him. I am terrified, but so glad I found this place. I really need the support. I have lost so much of myself over the last ~ three years. I do not like the person I have become. I look back at my darkest hours, and it is horrifying. I had no idea how depressed I was at the time. I have no idea how I am now...I can't remember what I used to be like, I just know that it was different. I have always been an overachiever and was super-ambitious. Now, I am simply surviving. This is not solely attributed to the issues that the ADHD has bought about (not that a state of depression is ever solely caused by one thing) - as mentioned earlier, some terrible things that were outside of anyone's control have happened in recent years also.
I am on top of things as much as I can be. I am proactive in seeking treatment for both myself (I am about to start individual counseling) and encouraging my partner to do the same. He is seeing a very reputable ADHD specialist, so I am confident what that much at least. My partner is 100% committed to his treatment and managing his symptoms. He has started taking an SSRI, and the improvement has been fantastic - so at least some relief has been afforded.
I am scared that I have become codependent. I completely neglect myself in too many ways. I focus on the people around me who are struggling...and they are struggling badly. I don't know what to do...I'm frightened. Basically what I am asking is, would you do it all again? Would you sign up for this? Should I bail out now, no matter how much it would hurt? Are things this painful after treatment? Now, I know this is highly dependent upon the individual, the relationship etc. So I suppose I don't know why I am asking...I just needed to get a bit of it out I guess. I'm just tired...things have been too hard for too long, and I never thought things would be like this.
Sorry for unloading like this, it's the first time I've ever spoken about any of this at all. Not the greatest first thread - I promise my next one will aim to generate intelligent discussion as opposed to focusing entirely on my problems.
Thank-you in advance to anyone that managed to read all of that.