I met an amazing man in January! I was separated from my husband & he was in the midst of a divorce. He owned his own business and seemed to be doing well. He told me he had ADD, but I didn't see any signs of it other than excitement when telling me about a wonderful vacation trip he took last year. Hey, I would be rambling and spilling over with excitement too--he went to Hawaii! For 3 months, he showed all the signs of man head-over-heels in love... and I fell for him harder than I ever had for anyone in my life. He was super attentive, focused, and romantic. He lavished attention on me and I, so starved for that attention, lapped it up like a kitten. Our days were filled with winks, smiles, hugs, lots of conversation, and kisses blowing back and forth. He sang to me, sent text messages with song lyrics, & wanted to spend every waking minute with me. He seemed to understand me like no one else ever had. He read my changing emotions with lightning speed. He helped me sort through a lot of the emotional baggage I had from my marriage--calmly, quietly, and methodically. He cooked for me and surprised me with weekend trips. When he had the weekends with his children, he sent me text messages throughout the day telling me he was thinking of me & missed me. He woke me every morning with "good morning, sweetheart". Sometimes I would wake up to find him just looking at me or stroking my face. I was in HEAVEN! During this time, I was staying at his place about 2/3 of the time.
He spoke of "our" future so easily and things were "clicking" like a fairytale, that when he suggested we get a place of our own together, I agreed, even though in the back of my mind I knew things were moving pretty quickly. But this was LOVE--Love like I had NEVER felt before!
I know memories can be tricky, but it seemed that within the first 2 days together in a place of our own, things changed. Actually, things changed as we were LOOKING for a place of our own.... he had so many ideas of where to live, good prices, reviews, and so on... the sheer quantity of information he was texting me or calling me about was overwhelming. But, I chalked it up to excitement over our first place. When we went to pick up my furniture, I noticed that he was fast-moving physically, but I was IMPRESSED---he managed to move ALL my furniture in a matter of 4 hours! When we actually began staying in the apartment, he seemed agitated... he began flip-flopping in bed at night, he was restless, and our smooth morning "routine" (example: him kissing my shoulder and smiling in the mirror while I was getting my makeup on) was non-existent. He was rushed for work, always seemed preoccupied, and started "scarffing" down his meals. He wanted to watch a lot of TV at night when he had rarely even turned it on before, except to listen to a music station. His eyes seemed different--like he was looking everywhere at once. When we talked, it was rushed and loud and many times he talked right "over" me or disregarded something I said completely. He didn't seem to have any time for me anymore.
Now that you have the background.... 8 months later he's in his own place & I'm in mine and we're trying to work through each of our divorces. He had a meltdown about his business, which I think we resolved together. He is HYPER. Everything is FAST, to the point where I get jittery just being around him. He seems agitated, even when he says he isn't. He has 1,000 ideas to my 1. I used to think of myself as quick-witted, but I suddenly feel I'm sadly lacking in that dept. He's on his phone constantly, either texting or playing games, or checking his email. Conversations in the car are almost nonexistent... he says he gets into a "zone" when he drives and can't really hold a conversation. He still sends winks my way and smiles and kisses, but as soon as I catch them, he's on to something else.
I sat him down and told him how I feel... and how different our current relationship is from the one we had in the beginning. I feel duped, tricked, and taken advantage of. He says he was NOT pretending when he met me. He says that was a wonderful time for him, too. He said he lost the "security" of our relationship when each of us started having doubts about our divorces (we both went back to our spouses for a short period of time--mine lasted 1 day, his 5 weeks). He says his current behavior is how he "really is". He has encouraged me to read ADD/ADHD websites. He says he has tried every known mixture of medications--stimulants, antidepressants, etc. until finally his doctor said his liver enzymes were so bad he would have to discontinue them. He loves me. He says in his mind and heart the love he has for me has only grown, not lessened. He still talks of our future together as a "given". But, the WAY in which he SHOWS he loves me has changed so DRAMATICALLY, I don't know what to do. It seems all the outstanding qualities I feel in love with are gone. I WANT THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH! He says that is a part of him, but like multiple personalities, he cannot "WILL" it into existence. He says once his divorce is over and things smooth out a little, he will probably get back to being more like that. He's upset that he can't give me what I need to be happy and I'm upset that I'm making him upset! But, I'm also totally perplexed regarding how someone can change like he has. I love him and actually love some of the new personality that has come out of this... he's "zippier" and lots more adventurous, he has great ideas and plans for his business, and is very supportive of my ideas, too.
I'm so sorry this is such a lengthy post and I feel somewhat guilty putting all this personal information out on the web for wolves to tear into, but I need some advice from those of you WITH ADD/ADHD. Have you experienced a "honeymoon" phase like I described? Did you feel a huge difference when it ended, like you had been dropped off a cliff or was it subtle? How did each of you come to terms with the changes?
I appreciate everyone's input and, yes, we are both open to seeing a counselor/therapist in the future.