I have been spending my days stepping back and observing my H, how he is when he is alone and when he is interacting with others( including myself).
While the many aspects of adhd are apparent I find they are DOABLE ( not without ups and downs) but NOT deal breakers for me.
However......there is a non emotive aspect to his behavior that has given me pause to it being adhd. My H has always had a stoic, flat countenance that "lurked" underneath. While he can be warm, witty, creative etc....there is "something " missing. This is what gives me pause on it is MORE than adhd.
His lack of emotion (or ability to show) is very much "missing". His upbringing, I am sure, had a lot to do with this. I see much of the same behavior in too many of his siblings. GOOD EMOTIONS were not (and still aren't) allowed. His mother was very much a HUGE fear based person. His siblings are whiners, blamers and combative......such a JOY to be around.....
I have searched for a word to describe my H's affect, manner, way of being. ....HOW he talks, HOW he moves, HOW he listens, HOW he expresses........mechanical. That is the word. This is why I suspect aspergers(along with other attributes not talked about here).
There are many "disorders" of executive function that can be sought. Emotional dysregulation etc..... MY knowledge and understanding is crucial for me, whether we are together or not. His lack of emotion may not affect him but for sure it affects those around him and NOT in a "good" way. I need to understand "whatever" the issue is whether he CAN overcome SOME of it or NONE of it. It would be unfair to expect from him what he can't do......and I say this whether we are together ot not.....most likely?.....the latter.
A loving relationship is based on "needs" being met. I/me comes after us/we in a marriage.....or it isn't one......not that hard.
I have also come to see.......I am trying to justify with a lot of "talk"......reasons to stay......and they are more times than not coming from....my OWN denial of what really needs to happen.