Is hope dangerous?

Just when I thought things were going great, the proverbial shit hits the fan. We have been getting along really well and I started to let down my guard and feel loved by my husband. Big mistake.

ok, the story. My husband had to move my dryer some time ago to put in plumbing for a sink. In its new position it cannot be vented to the outside, so the lint flies freely around the house. I asked him to put a nylon on the end, but he is afraid it will start a fire. I asked him to put a new hole in the wall, but he doesn't want to do that because we want to move the laundry room to the second floor one day(!) so why put a hole in the wall for nothing? A few days ago I mentioned that the lint causes me pain in my sinuses and the dirt is relentless. I asked him if we could just move forward and move the washer and dryer. He said" let's do it Monday when you have off". I was ecstatic! 

So this evening I asked him if we have everything we need, or do we need to run to Lowes in the morning. He said we have everything. I asked him if we had a pan to go underneath the washer, in case it leaks. That's when I realized he had no idea what I was talking about. 

It turns out, he thought he agreed to pulling the dryer forward by 4-5 inches and fishing a hole to the original site. I told him I wasn't comfortable with this because the dryer will block the doorway to the only bathroom my wheelchair bound brother can use in our house. I tried to be reasonable, if moving the washer and dryer upstairs was not in the cards could he just cut a new hole in the wall. He reiterated the previous argument about putting a hole in the wall for nothing. He promised that if my brother was coming he would move the dryer. The problem is my husband works every weekend and weekends are usually the only time I get to see him. I told him I didn't want to be put in a position where I would have to tell my brother he can't come because he called too late for me to get my husband to move the dryer. Why are things this complicated!!!

So my husband gets a little indignant, like I shouldn't be concerned about him moving the dryer, and besides he says I thought we agreed that this is what we were going to do. My head is spinning now. We have had this discussion numerous times, I NEVER agreed to the I'll move it before your brother comes plan. I just think it is ridiculous. Who lives like this? But I DIDN'T SAY THIS! I just calmly told him that I don't remember that being the case.  So he says " well, I guess I'm the asshole then!"

​I told him I don't think he is an asshole and it bothered me that he would put words in my mouth. So he says, I think we should split. At this point I am just beside myself. I asked him how he could threaten to leave me over something like this. ( background, this is is favorite ploy, which I have said must stop. We are either married, or we are not. Threatening to leave is not healthy.) I got angry and raised my voice, so he told me he is tired of being yelled at. I pointed out that I only raised my voice after he threatened to leave me, but he insisted that I was yelling the whole time. 

​At one point he told me I only care about myself and his feelings don't matter. I actually started to cry at that point. I asked him how he could say something like that when I spend so much time trying to educate myself about his ADHD and trying to understand how he thinks and feels. His response? " you do that stuff for yourself". I am totally at a loss at this point. When I tried to explain, to defend myself, he again says I think we should split. I mean I just can't believe how things have escalated. He goes from zero to sixty within minutes.

at one point, he actually said that his comment about him being an asshole was meant in the most magnanimous way! He was trying to give me the upper hand, be generous at admitting fault. He believes anyone would see it that way, and I'm not thinking clearly. I even tried to go along a little and said, even so, I don't want to be given credit for calling you an asshole, or even thinking it, because I wasn't.

he ended up leaving. He came back a little while later, but I am just dumbfounded! He keeps talking about how he just doesn't want the conflict anymore. As far as I can see, he is the one who launches a simple problem into a life altering one. Am I wrong? Shouldn't spouses be able to disagree about something like this without it turning into ww3?

Yes, you should be able to

Yes, you should be able to have disagreements without it turning into WW III.  There are going to be conflicts in any relationship.  It's not a matter of whether they will exist or not; they will.  It's a matter of whether people feel like they can work on their conflicts.  My spouse also doesn't like to work on conflicts.  He is so afraid.  I get very frustrated about this.  I used to think that I was the fearful one, because I'm scared of snakes and don't like roller coasters and WOULD NEVER jump out of an airplane.  But hey, at least, I'm not afraid to talk about serious personal subjects, like he is.

I also live in a family in which people will say that others are "yelling" and I think, no, no one was yelling.  I always thought that yelling was an objective phenomenon, but it's not.  My kids and husband will think someone is yelling when no voices were raised.

I also want to recommend a

I also want to recommend a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay."  It's not specific to ADHD but it discusses relationship problems that you might be dealing with.  The discussion that I constantly return to is about "off-the-table-itis," which is the condition in which one person makes it so hard to talk about a topic that you can't make any progress in dealing with the topic, because (obviously) you can't talk about it.  One of the examples the author gives of a person engaging in this behavior is he or she threatening to leave the marriage whenever the topic comes up.  The author says this "itis" can be a relationship killer because communication underlies so many things in relationships.  Maybe it would help to say to your husband that you can see how uncomfortable conflict makes him but that conflict is unavoidable and that perhaps he could suggest ways to talk about topics that wouldn't make the inevitable disagreements so horribly fear-inducing to him.

The book may help, but

The book may help, but honestly, it isn't certain topics; it is everything! We can't discuss anything without him ratcheting things up and threatening to divorce me. I try soooo hard to keep things focused on what we are discussing, but he just can't do it. To him everything is a fight. When he tries to talk about anything, he tells me what " tone" I may use, tells me I'm yelling, when I am not, tells me he wants to say something and then tells me he expects me to not answer or respond. Meanwhile, he is using bad language, telling me I don't care about him, yelling, threatening, and walking out on me. 

We both have off today, but our kids have a snow make up day, so now he is telling me the fight is over ,and I am not to " ruin" our day by being mad. Like being threatened with divorce is common and shouldn't hurt. I feel like he only loves me when things are easy. it's hard to trust someone who turns on you so fast.

I think this book might still

I think this book might still be helpful.  With off-the-table-itis, some people pull everything off the table, because they're so afraid of any kind of conflict.  My husband is like that will all personal topics.  But give him global warming or the Middle Eastern conflict, and he'll go to town!

I totally understand your

I totally understand your frustration, Waterfall.  My feeling is that if my husband can't talk with me about problems, that might be enough for us to not stay married.  My husband, in contrast, would probably agree with my mother, who said to me several years ago, "You don't stay married for 50 years by talking to your spouse."  (That is, that talking would end the marriage.)  Boy, when she said that, my heart sunk.  I love my parents, but I didn't want to have a marriage like theirs, that, they thought, could survive only if they buried topics. 

Thanks; your mom's quote made

Thanks; your mom's quote made me smile. We had a counseling session today and my husband goes on and on about my " yelling". I just think he is nuts. I wasn't yelling! I wasn't even mad. And here's the kicker, he yells about everything. He yells at me, yells at the kids, because he is frustrated, he says. Oh, I guess I yell for fun! I finally said to him, who do you think you are? Why do get to yell without consequences, but if I so much as speak in a " tone" you don't like, you are threatening me with divorce? 

I did get a little validation. He told me he " misspoke" when he told me I only read books on adhd, relationship issues, etc. and come onto this site , etc. for myself. Part of me thinks he knows he went too far, but as I said before I think any hope is dangerous. Thanks for your support.