Greetings all –
I’ve recently taken my wife serious about having one of our son’s checked for ADD. I’ve been in denial due to the effects of some of the medication. When going through the questionair, I mean really going through it this time, I started to see myself. Then things started to happen at work. Not bad things per say, but I could not explain why I couldn’t get things done or why I can’t remember tasks. I started to investigate Adult ADD and no matter what test I take I’m “highly likely” to having it and the symptoms all look and feel so similar to me. I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet, but I have an appointment set up and written down, because I can’t remember when – go figure.
I have spent days on research and I’ve found this site. I’ve spent hours going through blogs and posts. Some of you seem very bitter, but then again I don’t have a lot of the extreme symptoms. I do not comprehend how you feel, but I am very sorry. I don’t verbally/physically abuse my wife, I’ve never called her a name. I do not abuse my children. I’ve been in IT for years, 9 years at last job ( laid off due to corporate buyout ) and 3 years at current. I’m in good physical condition and I’m adept in social situations. But I’m here because I am the problem. And I’m practically unable to hold back the tears. I haven’t cried in 25 years and I find it very un-masculine, but I’ve never been punched so hard in the gut as I have in how much I relate to so many of you with my current situation.
As I’m coming to grips with all of this new found knowledge about my as yet undiagnosed life-long issues, I hurt very much. To some of you I can honestly say – leave him. For the rest of you, you seem to have come to a crossroad and you want help. I offer you this meager attempt to understand. It is most likely that I have ADD ( not HD ) and there are several aspects of my marriage that are similar in scope as many of yours. What I need you to understand, from a guy who’s always known something was wrong and just now finding a name after 38 years, there is nothing that hurts more than knowing I’ve hurt the person I love the most.
I’m not sure many of you can understand how hard it is to not be able to understand why you can’t remember anything. I can look you in the eye during a conversation and I can’t keep my eyes from glazing over and the harder I try to focus the more I can’t remember what you are talking about.
My wife is very frustrated with me. Every time I try to speak on serious topics, I can’t get the thoughts out of my head and into voice. When she’s upset with me I make it worse with a stupid smirk. I hate it but I can’t stop it! I hate it! I’m not laughing at her but it’s condescending and I can’t stop it! I don’t think she’s being silly at all, but when I notice I’ve done it and stop doing it, she’s already seen it. It’s hurtful and I’m not trying to be.
Then there’s the issue of constant frowning. I’ve always been a creative person and thought that all that was going on in my head was my imagination at work. I don’t even know that I do it most of the time. My wife has told me that I always look like I’m having a bad time. This really breaks my heart. I cherish the time we spend together and I don’t mean to give that impression at all.
So here I am with a name for my issues. What good is an “official diagnosis” if the one you love may have already given up? But this is my bed. I made it. I will do anything I can for her and my kids and I want you people to know there is hope. I will always have a problem and I believe that knowing about it is the right way to get back on track. My wife is a great mother and a wonderful wife. I’m trying hard to do the mundane tasks and I’m already overwhelmed. I had forgotten to register my youngest for kindergarden! It’s not too late, but he needs his 5 yr checkup. Another appointment I made that I can’t remember for the life of me. I’m trying to take on more bills. I feel so terrible that she’s been so bogged down with the stress that I’ve done nothing to help with. I’ve made strides with routines such as making the bed every morning and loading/unloading the dishwasher every night. Small efforts, but I’m trying.
This is getting long and I’m ending it. I love my wife. I’m nobody special, just broken. I’ve been praying everyday ( with a few forgotten days in between ) for many months. I don’t pray for me, I pray that my wife will have the strength and courage to keep going forward with me in her life. And I thank God for everyday that her and my kids have been in my life. My wife will not go to counceling with me or read this website and she is not to blame. Don’t any of you ever accuse her. One of you wrote in a post “To be, Rather than to appear”. It’s not enough look like progress, I must show her it’s permanent.