I feel like this is almost over. Joining the throngs of many.. He is just not changing, his meds are not working, his symptoms (ie his distractibility, memory "fill ins", ANGER) have all been inchanged. His refusal to accept responsibility for any of our problems, refusal to consider changing his meds, and his unending barrage of hate and blame- has gotten concrete not better despkte all my efforts to give him space, be understanding, , work on my low self esteem, etc. I have tried drawing boundaries but he can not or will not respect them. He asks me to "stop being me", that I am "annoying", or to get my fat ass (maybe I could lose weight/firm up but I am a size 4/6). I am an educated professional woman- but he makes me feel stupid, tells me that i have no sense of hor, and that I dont even have a clue when I say inappropriate things. He is not in love with me anymore, apparently- as he says. He acts like I am chaining him home and wants to be released. My kids will suffer (he says he hates that most of all- but wont work to make our relationship better)
But I have to focus on them more- too much is around trying to be around for "daddy". Yesterday, I asked him to be home so we could qll go out as a family- but its friday- his partying night (as well as 2-3 other nights of the week). I know i probably sound like a train wreck. I feel I need to give up- last night was anither night of tears as he apparently felt he told me he was gping out to dinner with his drinking buddy- he did not. I had said- Please dont just disappear ler me know whatever your plans. He decided he was "done talking to me" he said this am so he turned off his phone Nd nust didnt respond to my texts. He has said it is "up to me" to want make him want to be here. I am working two jobs, taking care of the greater bulk of house, and kids- and stressing over our current relarionship. I am getting OLD. I will be 50 next year and this sucks. I dont know if the best thing he can muster is civility, no warmth, and a sporadic and inconsistent presence...with an agry and uneven temperament... What is the answer?! If i say he needs to leave if he hates me, hates being here- he sighs and says yes please, now will you go away. I guess my hope is truly dying that it will change. What else to do.