I just can't live in the same house and watch my spouse spiral into deeper and deeper anger. His behavior - MY paradigm - has become more egotistical and self-centered.
I am very frustrated, disappointed and overwhelmed that the work to legally separate falls to me. However, it is my decision. Not choice. I do not want a divorce.
I spent the past 12 months following the last instruction I had from a marriage counselor. And, YES, it is true, I thought it would elicit change in my spouse. And yes, it is true, today, at this minute, I do not like him very much.
From her book: "Even after all of the patterns I’ve laid out, some ADHD spouses still won’t believe that ADHD is a factor in their relationship. This can be a real source of friction. I’ve lived this dilemma, for my husband blamed me for years for our issues. When I suggested he get treatment for his ADHD, his angry response was “I don’t need treatment! I like myself FINE just the way I am. YOU’RE the one who doesn’t like me and has issues."
Orlov, Melissa C. (2010-09-01). The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (p. 73). Independent Publishers Group. Kindle Edition.
I will respond at more length
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I will respond at more length later. Just wanted you to know that I totally understand what you're going through and I'm thinking of you, I'm So Exhausted.
You made such a hard decision
Submitted by thisistheend on
You made such a hard decision and I commend you. I myself was too codependent to leave my ADHD husband even though I was so unhappy and alone for so long. So in the end he left me for a coworker. He too blamed me for our issues, saying I made him feel bad about himself and I was never happy. I fully accepted that my behaviour had contributed a lot to our problems, but not once did he take any responsibility for his. He also thought he was doing just fine because he was doing well at work, even when our home life was a mess. It kills me that he blamed his leaving all on me. He was too selfish to tell me there was another woman, probably to keep his financial interests secure while we divided assets. I found out later. It was cruel and unusual to place all the blame on me when he was the one being completely despicable.
so in the short term your decision is undoubtedly very painful, but in the long run you have probably saved yourself a lot of heartache. And you can take comfort in the fact that you took action and we're proactive. Instead of being like a leaf adrift in the turbulent waters of untreated ADHD.
I'm so sorry
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Thisistheend. My husband won't leave, he refuses to file for divorce. If it's going to happen it will be me who initiates it. Like yours, our home life is a mess. But unlike your situation my husband hardly works and so our finances are a mess as well. I agree with your advice to be proactive because in the end we have to be the ones to make the decisions on how we are going to live our lives. We can't control what others choose to do, or don't do.
I just read this
Submitted by frustratedwife on
I just read this, Im So Exhasted, and it sounds like you are going through a similar situation as I am right now. I read your reply to my post and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make this easier for both of us. I don't want a divorce either but I also don't want to be tied to someone who is mean and angry and irresponsible. If my husband spent even half the time working and taking care of responsibilities as he did watching TV and looking at things he dreams of doing on the computer then we would probably have a decent life.
I just filed for a dismissal
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I just filed for a dismissal of the separation proceeding I had filed almost one year ago. Is it because I'm happy in my marriage? No. Did my husband make any effort to deal with his ADHD and other mental health issues? No.
I dropped the separation action because I made a practical decision: my and my daughters' financial situation will be slightly better if I stay married for at least one year. My younger daughter has one year of college left. I did not relish the thought of hauling my husband into court three times to get him to pay his share of the three tuition payments. I would have asked him to agree to pay; he would have agreed (I don't think he actually wants to deprive his daughters of support); but then he wouldn't have paid.
I told my husband that I have the habit of trying to give people, including him, the benefit of the doubt and of always believing that change is possible. Well, there's always an exception to the rule, right?
I have the habit of trying
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
I have the habit of trying to give people, including him, the benefit of the doubt and of always believing that change is possible.
This. Yep. That's me. Yet my undiagnosed ex-BF told me time and time again that he wouldn't change...he didn't believe people could really change either...yet I kept on having hope and believing it was possible. Even now, a few months after our big ADHD-related fight that led to him never speaking to me again, I look back and wonder whether if I knew then what I know now about ADHD and why some of his behavior was happening, it may have been different or even ok. Deep down I know that that is the long shot of the century based on his 44 years of history with anyone else in his life (especially those women who loved him), but because I believe he is a good man deep down, and wish the best for him, it was hard to stop believing. In the end I had no choice as he chose to stop any contact.
A change of events
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
It has been a rough road watching my ADHD spouse spiral down into the depths of despair. Something sure shook his foundation this past weekend.
1. He asked if we could talk about where we are in our relationship. I panicked - as I seem to usually choose the wrong words. Been there, done that. Even in my state of mind, I agreed.
2. He said, "I want to make an appointment to see our pastor and ask him where I have gone wrong in my life, because I don't know how I have ended up so miserable when I thought I was doing everything right."
3. He asked if I would be willing to go back to our marriage counselor, and if I would get him the counselors phone number.
I am leaving the ball in his court. It is something quite remarkable that he wants help for himself. I am so happy for him on making that choice. I am hoping that his willingness to try counseling again suggests he has some idea how the un-addressed negative ADHD symptoms add to our marital difficulties.
I choose not to abandon all plans on working on the separation papers. Alongside of that, I am pleased he is willing to try to get off the track that is leading to destruction. Whether our work will provide the answer of staying together, or we need to go different paths, I hope the decision can be made with an honest choice rather than an angry decision made on an impulse.
Yes...I hope you get your
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
Yes...I hope you get your wish of an "honest choice".
Good luck to both of you!!
All the best to you
Submitted by Mind Shattered on