How to be autonomous and loving at the same time

I do not know how to focus on what makes me happy, and living my life, and maintaining loving behavior. Truly, I have been at this a very, very long time. After 2 more 'forgettings' about spending time and attention on our non-existent sex life, I chose not to bring it up, but feel frozen inside. My husband acts as if everything is the same, NEVER addresses any negative issues, and continues on being affection with his loving words. But,  has even stepped it up a notch, which lets me know that he is aware that all is not well. He probably doesn't remember what the issue is and will certainly not ask 'what's up'. I told him that since we seem to be roommates instead of husband and wife, I will stop doing certain things. I don't make his coffee in the morning, I have stopped making his lunch. What I find very difficult is not wanting to punch him when he kisses me when he gets home from work or when he gets up in the morning. I find it very difficult to sleep in the same bed with him. Roommates don't sleep together! And yet, here I am, doing things that I find ridiculous because I don't know how to stop them. I don't know how to say, "don't kiss and pretend everything is okay unless you are willing to talk and to DO something about it". I don't know how to say, "I'm moving out of the bedroom until you follow the suggestions given by the 100s of therapists we have seen". I don't know how to stay or how to leave! I am so sick of myself staying and not demanding better for myself. What would I tell a friend? Why can't I be my own best friend? Making small talk, shallow, inconsequential banter is making me sick. I need help with being able to be affectionate and autonomous at the same time. I want to learn how to live for me and not worry about this sexless marriage. What would I be doing if he weren't here. I would be working, talking with friends, visiting with friends, watching TV, going to the movies, all the same stuff that I do now. So, I don't know how to change my thinking and I need help.