I am the non-ADHD spouse. My husband was diagnosed about 2 years ago. We have been together for 13 years. We are the classic couple where opposites attract - I'm more organized, a planner by nature, etc. This meant it was easy to fall into the parent/child rolls and looking back I think it was that way from the time we were dating. It seems to have gotten worse over time and I am at the point where I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I feel like I'm the only adult, the only one who has any real responsibility. There have been a few more serious incidents that have happened recently that have pushed our relationship into a very negative place. Just as one example so this doesn't turn into an excessively long post - We have had bills go into collection that I was unaware even existed, even though we had the money to pay them when they were due, which has significantly damaged our credit scores. Over the years, when things like this happen, I then decide to "take over" that particular responsibility. It has now gotten to the point where he is only responsible for washing the dishes, feeding the dog, and going to work. Being that he has started forgetting to feed the dog, so I have to remind him or if he has left without doing so then I have to feed the dog, and I gave up many years ago reminding him to do the dishes (but still refuse to do them myself, which I can't do when it comes to feeding the dog), I am at a total loss for what to do.
It seems like so many of our problems keep going back to the whole parent/child dynamic. Unfortunately I'm getting wildly different advice from therapists and doctors on how to handle problems in our relationship. I'm also getting conflicting advice from the books and articles I have read. So my question is, do any of you have advice for HOW you are able to deal with or break the cycle of the parent/child relationship? Practical, real life advice is much appreciated.
Parent/Child dynamics
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Moondust,
I am continuing to work on this exact issue. It is a work in progress.
When I started, I had no clue how hard it would be for me. I have a nurturing personality, I am service oriented, I spent years in a very male dominant church believing all I was doing was what a good Christian wife should be doing, and it is still hard to differentiate what I should and should not be doing.
I did anything and everything to keep my spouse from both getting angry, and staying angry. It may not have all been anger - but it came across as anger. I did not like it, so I did everything to fix it or keep it at bay.
Until there is a plan in place to share the responsibilities, I continue to back out of doing things that overwhelm me. I hired someone to come every other week to dust and vacuum out house. I only cook when I want to cook. Every meal here is 'each person fends for themselves.'
I still handle all the finances, both from my spouse's construction business and all the household bills. I worked so hard for years and years to have great credit and just cannot let that go. Everything we have is owned jointly - possessions and debt.
Probably the hardest part of this transition - my disappointment that I am not doing it all - and it does not feel very good. I feel my spouse's frustration, and anger, yet I do not feel his acknowledgement of all I had done, nor his acceptance that he desires to renegotiate our relationship to get to an adult and adult team effort.
I am discovering a lot by working through this. Much I do not like at all. On the positive, I know it is an emotionally healthy development for my own life and my self-esteem.
This response seems like a bunch of random statements. I do not know if that helps you or not..... let me know if I just babbled on without providing you any answers!
Very truly,
Liz
Hi Moondust....
Submitted by c ur self on
Your story moondust is quiet typical for many of us...I still feed our pet, but, I don't go behind her much anymore. (that caused to much stress on me; and the co-dependency was at an all time high) I've started doing a few things to make the results of how she lives glaring. One is the dishes...about 95% of the time I wash the dishes I mess up by hand at the time I use them. That way if it's left in the sink to pile up it's not mine. ( I started doing this because of she never assumes responsibility for much; not when its easy to just blame) I do pay the bills and feed the cat. and if I go out of town without her. I leave a reminder written in big letters with a sharpie on the kitchen table....
You might try what one of the other posters here said he is going to do...He got a smart watch, and he will program it in the morning to send him texts through out the day to break into his train of thought with reminders for what needs done.
You might want to think about not sharing things with him that get you into trouble....We do not share bank accounts, our funds or completely separate...We do our taxes separate...In the beginning of our marriage I dropped my phone plan and got on hers to save money...Big mistake LOL...My phone service (my cell was my work and personal phone combined) got turned off twice during the first 6 months of our marriage...She would always apologize and run call them to get it back on...But I told her my idea of paying bills on time wasn't to wait until they disconnect me....So now we have two contracts...
I tell people in many ways I live like she doesn't exist; and we get along fine that way...It forces her to be accountable and lets me live without all the chaos....She paid about 3,000.00 or more taxes last year...I got money back....Just a week or so ago she was whinning about having to pay another big tax bill again this year, and made a statement to how she was going to avoid it in 2016....What she stated as the way she would avoid it was what we fought about the first few years of our marriage because I told her that was what she had to do for us to break even. Imagine that LOL...Moondust if you and I and every other person who is married to someone who forces us into these corners in life by how they live must recognize it and do something about it....What's better? Do what ever we have to, to make the marriage successful Or stay in situations that cause us to type out posts like your's and plenty of mine from the past?
Follow up to this post....
Submitted by c ur self on
When my wife came to bed last night; she started talking about her taxes again; basically repeating what she had already told me....So when she said I've got to get over to Human Resources and make changes to my withholdings so this want happen again....
I said this: Oh like I told you to do when we were still filing jointly, so we would could break even and not pay? And she said..Oh it was me that got away from you! (the reason we file separate)....I just laughed....This is how denial works...Also it's how little to no short term memory works....In the past I might would have kept it going trying to get her to SEE....But that is fools gold and it will poison a relationship...Whether memory issue or plain denial it don't matter....For peace to be had, when and if you decide to state the fact calmly and once....You will always need to walk away....Silence will always be the Gold Nugget when dealing with a mind like this.....
C
Hi,
Submitted by esudfp on
Hi,
What did you do in the end? Did you work through it? If so, what did you do?
Thanks