How can I get through to him????

So here we are again.  I just recently got Melissa's book The ADHD effect on Marriage.  First day we got it, the both of us read the first 7 pages.  Since then, I am the only one reading.  So far, I understand more now about ADHD, the descriptions, feelings, situations describe my husband and I to the "T".  I am not completely done with the book but so far I have been doing things differently as far as talking to my husband.  I decided to go ahead and stop the nagging and approach him in different ways.  Although this has put him in a happier mood, I am still here feeling the same, only not angry but sad.  I'm sad because my husband is not being treated due to the fact that he is in the Army and he will be chaptered out if they found out.  He has just about 3 years left until he gets out.

I just feel like I am accommodating him.  It seems as if I am the one that is sacrificing my feelings so that he can be in his "happy comfy zone".  I know that most of this is his ADHD and that he can't help it.  But how do I break him out of it and how can I get through to him without sounding like a pathetic nag???  This whole weekend went without fighting, but only because I can now see when the ADHD kicks in and identify it when it happens.  I have been letting it go.  He told me that he wants to read the book and work through this with me, but since its not "stimulating" enough for him, I guess he just doesn't do it.  He just says "I want to, I promise I will".  How do you talk to someone that is not being treated?  How do you get them to listen?

I dont' know what to do.



I haven't read the book, but

I haven't read the book, but I'm fairly certain that the point isn't to let everything go to the point that you feel like you're giving everything and him nothing. However, in my marriage I started the process by letting go of my anger. I didn't hold my feelings in, I didn't sweep things under the rug just to avoid confrontation. I set new boundaries for myself, but I also changed the rules. It didn't happen say the least...but changing your attitude and letting go of the anger doesn't stop the ADD issues from just helps avoid fights and making things worse. Communication is say the least...but this is something you'll need help with. If I'm not mistaken, the book you got talks about this subject. Maybe the pooled knowledge and experience of everyone here can help you come up with a plan (online counseling?) since getting into see a counselor may be something you simply cannot do right now. I know that if he'd be willing to compromise with you...admit it is something that you both need to work on and come up with a plan to tackle 1 or 2 major issues then maybe that would be a good starting place. We didn't get into counseling full time until about 2 months ago...but by that time our marriage had already gotten back on track and we had made major change can start without counseling if you're both willing to change. Good Luck! Hopefully he'll read more soon!

He says he wants to but....

He says he wants to but he hasn't gotten around to reading the book yet.  He has been busy with his little projects and now a new character that he bought for his game.  We haven't been fighting and neither of us have been on edge, but then again, it is only a matter of time or at least it feels like it.  Its hard because now knowing how his mind works, I have to carefully try to get my point across before I lose him (when he starts to focus on something else).  He is very forgetful and he'll say that he will and promise but then he will forget.  This is my ultimate challenge.  I do however feel better about myself and the way that I am handling things on my end.  But at the same time, I know I can't do this alone, and that the feeling has to be mutual. 

How are you doing Sherri??

Chores that Never Get Done...How to Get Him Motivated

I am the non ADDer. My husband ignores chores he does not want to do mess, clutter and sorting and, ideally, tossing junk (he hates to throw things out whether it is old receipts that have no purpose to old work/career awards or photos).  It seems to take him forever to get anything done even if I give him visual reminders (lists) ...he gets distracted or he hyper focuses on mindless stuff like online card games or hours of TV or both at the same time while chores sit unattended to ...what I can do, I do.  He often loses the lists or puts them away and does not  know where they are just like other paperwork like mail, etc (important mail as well as junk mail). 

Frankly, I 'd rather do it then face the stress the chaos and mess causes me.  We have rooms of unused stuff that I fear (know) will be a source of conflict when we have to downsize.  I started asking him to deal with all this stuff and the garage 6 years ago when we moved in together but it does not happen.  We have room for 2 cars and both remain in the elements (snow, etc) because there is no space for them!  When he does work, he works hard but get frustrated and irritated easily.  He won't let me clear out the storage rooms or garage as he knows I will get rid of anything we are not using and pare down photos, plaques and other stuff he has collected over 45 years.  Everything has meaning way out of line with any reasonable attachment.  I have explained how this stresses me out but he still does not do it.  I had to do all this once before when my late husband died and he knows it and still ignores my requests. I am resentful and it is getting worse.....  He is also prone to anxiety and depression and takes Wellbutrin but, of late, it does not seem to be the right medication, in my opinion.  Are there any others here (ADD or non ADD) that have any suggestions on what I can do?