How can I help him ???

Well my partner rang me the other day in a bit of a state saying he thinks he might have adhd . So I asked him why he told me all the symptoms and everyone off them clicked . I said ok well maybe go to the doctor he said ok but still hasn't made the appointment this was last week . This is him all over biggest procrastinator, I didn't even know what the word meant till I met him . Our relationship has been so up and down due to what I though was him been lazy , inconsiderate  , not listening and never finishing things eg: our bathroom he said he would paint has been half done for 5 months now !! He is really upset about finding it out what he thinks is adhd but deep down knows it is . I don't know what to do he is fighting with me more than ever it's like an excuse for him . He is really down about it I'm worried about him. He doesn't want me saying it to anybody  either .  Any advise what I can do ??

Not fun

Hello.  It's great that your partner is willing to admit that he may be ADHD.  As you know, following through is a challenge.  There is a lot going on inside his head; shame at having a brain condition, at perhaps behaving badly all these years, anger at not having known before, defensiveness at being to blame, etc.  The books indicate that it's ok to enable a bit here, by finding a doctor for him and setting up an appointment, assuming he's agreeable.  It should then be his responsibility to follow through on the treatment (though might want to make sure he gets to the first appointment).  Usually there should be a psychiatrist, familiar with the condition, to prescribe medications, with follow up appointments until the mix and dosages are correct.  Also there should be a counselor or coach well versed in the condition in order to come to terms with the diagnosis and to create new healthy habits.  I would suggest reading the ADHD Effect on Marriage.  As well as learn all you can about the condition.  And encourage him to do so as well.  If he's not a reader there are many books that can be listened to on tape and a couple of good PBS specials that can be checked out on DVD from the library.  Good luck.

A Spouse in Denial

I am new to this site and have been looking everywhere on it for someone with a similar situation to mine, but haven't had any luck so far. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a child and feels that he doesn't have it anymore; he's grown out of it. Our 18 year old son has it and through managing his treatments over the years, it is very clear that my husband hasn't grown out of this. If anything, the symptoms were held at bay for years, but now, I feel like we are paying for all of these good years as his symptoms are rearing their head on a daily basis.

Because he has "grown out of it" he won't seek help or treatment. Everything is up to me and I'm the one with the problems. Over the past 6 years, I have dealt with emotional abuse, an incident of physical abuse (in front of our children), excessive drinking on a regular basis, verbal abuse and an online affair (his). Everything came to a head earlier this year when I discovered his affair and threatened divorce. He said that he wasn't willing to accept that things were over between us and wanted to try again. He has tried over the past few months, but I still feel he isn't fully committed and has kept his brick wall up, blocking us from real communication.

I have been with man for almost 30 years and I know that we have had more good years than bad and I want to keep trying to work things out, but at what point do you walk away? I have expressed my needs in this relationship - affection and attention and his response is he "doesn't work like that. If I want affection, I have to make the first move and he'll respond." I can't live like this much longer for the sake of my health and need some support.