I'm new to this forum but I was hoping to get some help and support here, and so far it's been helpful reading other people's stories and how to improve your relationship.
Now I'd like to share my story to see if I can get some input and help since I feel very lonely in all of this and I don't know what to do.
So I believe my husband has ADHD and possibly something else (I can see some autistic tendencies, and anger/emotional issues) but he's never been diagnosed as far as I know. I know he was very hyper as a child and that had troubles with the teachers in school (maybe ODD?), he couldn't stand to be told what to do and he believed he knew better (he's told me this). I also know his brother was given Ritalin as a child.
We've been together for 10 years and been married and living together for past 5 years since I moved from Europe to the US to be with him. Those 5 years we've been working together as self employed in our company we started. It's been very hard working together so closely, numerous of times I've tried to change this so that I could focus on a career of my own but he's not been supportive of that. He's very disorganized and he works in chaos which is driving me crazy, he doesn't see anything wrong with it, he sees it as unimportant. Several times he's gotten mad at me for cleaning up since he thinks it's unimportant and that I'm wasting my time. He also starts a lot of new projects without finishing them, sometimes he wants me to finish and other times he can't see that they need to be finished, he thinks let's say 80% finished is enough. This is creating problems in our business and relationship. He's also almost 100 % focused on work and making money, working hard, sometimes 7 days a week and long days. It seems like that's all he cares about, there's little leisure time and he doesn't have any friends. He's totally consumed by the work that de does and it's all that he talks about.
He talks about the things he's interested in in great detail, things that's not of interest to other people. He's so obsessed by this, I feel like he's not seeing me or care about me, I feel invisible, it's hard to get a word in sometimes. A lot of times he's lacking patience for me and for other people, and it's very hard for him to wait in line or sit in traffic, he rather drive several miles out of the way than sit in a little bit of traffic. He doesn't like authorities such as the government or cops, he doesn't like being told what to do and he thinks he knows what's best. He has a big ego, he think he's the smartest and best person, better than other people. He is intelligent and a genius in some respects I believe.
When we're going somewhere he just goes straight out to the car a lot of times without cell phone and wallet, I always have to ask if he's got the stuff he needs such as wallet and phone and what else it is he needs. He sees it as my responsibility to remind him and make sure he doesn't forget, he gets mad at me if I don't remind him. Sometimes he forgets to eat. I also think he doesn't take care of his hygiene, sometimes he doesn't shower for days even though he's been doing physical work and is dirty and sweaty. He doesn't get his hair or toenails cut, sometimes he doesn't shave, doesn't brush his teeth. If I say maybe he should take a shower since it's been so long he usually says he's to tired at the end of the day or he gets upset with me.
He sometimes has trouble sleeping because of "stress" and is siting up at night in front of computer, it seems like he has endless of energy and doesn't need to sleep much, usually he crash at night in the sofa totally exhausted.
I could go on and on about this but just wanted to give a picture of the situation.
But the biggest problem for me is his anger and his outbursts. If I'm not behaving the way he wants me to or if I say something he doesn't like he can get very angry with me. He's got a very short temper and snaps at me, he can be very edgy sometimes. The outbursts can be nasty, he yells and screams, he calls me every name under the sun, he's very scary and intimidating. I'm more a quiet sensitive person and I'm not used to this so I get very hurt and upset. I don't know how to handle this. I've tried different strategies; time out, leaving the situation (makes him even more angry), tried to reason, telling him he's hurting me (he says he doesn't care), yelling and screaming back .... Nothing works, I don't know what to do anymore.
We don't have children and I want to have children but I don't want to bring in children in a relationship where there's yelling and screaming and name calling. I've told him this.
Im shattered, I don't know what to do, I love him but some things I find hard to accept and it's preventing me from having children. Divorcing him would have a big impact on my life situation since I'm dependent on him financially and because I'm from Europe, I could not afford to stay in our house by myself and I would probably have to move back to Europe and start over. I've been working so hard so it's difficult to cut my losses and give up, I want it so badly to work but at the same time I don't see a future together if nothing changes.
Im trying to make him do an evaluation and to work on his anger but he's very resistant, he doesn't do much self reflection and he likes to blame others all the time.
It might sound like he's a terrible person but he's got some good qualities as well :-)
I don't know how to move forward, sometimes I feel I have no control over the situation and that I'm loosing it.
Sorry for making it so long, thank you for reading and for your support