How can I help my wife understand the role ADHD has played in our relationship?

I seem to see a lot of posts where one partner is convinced or suspicious the other has ADHD and they are running into resistance getting their spouse to acknowledge their condition or to seek out professional help.  My problem is just the opposite--I am in the middle of a legal separation (Same as a divorce in California for property rights, custody, etc, but still technically married at the end) and I never thought about ADHD.  I thought it was something over diagnosed and over prescribed and that ADHD was just a clinical name for people with a lack of willpower.  While looking for something else, I came across an article online where the headline asked "Is ADHD ruining your marriage?"  Reading the article, I felt I should scan my house for hidden microphones or cameras due to how dead on the article was in describing my marriage.  This lead me to read more sites and books and eventually schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist.  I was diagnosed and just started taking adderall.  I can't believe the world of difference.  I still need to unlearn and reprogram 35 years of some bad habits, but that feels possible now.  It feels so bittersweet knowing that there is an explanation and a plan to address some issues now, but also knowing if I were diagnosed before instead of age 35, I would not be going to court in the morning.

She says she still loves me, but just can't handle all of the irresponsibility and the fact she no longer respects me.  When I told her of the diagnosis and offered to give her a book or some articles that might explain a lot of what we have gone through, she declined and said she could do her own research.  I know she has the same preconception about ADHD as I did and I  know she thinks this is just an example of me coming up with an excuse instead of taking responsibility for my own actions.

Anybody else have any tips on helping a spouse gain an understanding of how ADHD played a role in our problems and how treating the ADHD can help restore the relationship?

I feel for you!

I really feel for you.  2010 was nothing short of a year from Hell for me.

We've been married 20 years and in May she was acting very rash and we were separated twice for short periods of time.

After four years of suggesting it to her she finally went to seek professional help and was diagnosed with ADD, Anxiety Disorder and Depression and just last Saturday began taking meds.   I know it's going to be a long road, but for the first time in years I have real hope.

I highly recommend you ask for joint counseling with the counselor of her choice.   Once you meet with the counselor, offer for yourself to be evaluated by a professional. (and throw yourself on the sword - just do it humbly and completely.)

Also strongly encourage Divorce Busters, it helped me keep it together while we could get to this point.