How can I move past the hurt and anger?

I feel very stuck. There has been so much long lasting hurt and anger, caused by actions that continue. I have no idea how to summon up the inclination to change myself as part of the process to save our marriage. I really need to see changes in my ADHD partner first to move forward. I realize this isn't how I should be approaching things, it's just so difficult. How can I shift my mindset and move past the hurt and anger?