Long story short: I have been with an undiagnosed ADHD boyfriend for three years. I found this forum when one day I googled “chronic irresponsibility.” I have done everything for my boyfriend. I have taken care of him like a mother does a child and have experienced many of the same experiences and frustrations I have read about on these forums. When I first met my BF I thought he was kind, gentle and sweet, but now I can see he’s quite the opposite: chronically irresponsible, creating new problems for himself at every turn, all with a touch of explosive anger—the type that gets him fired from every job he’s ever had due to interpersonal issues (this is not an exaggeration).
I’ve decided I don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, mostly because I feel powerless to help him. Every time I help solve one problem, he creates a new one. We live our lives moving from crisis to crisis. He has a ton of debt. He closed all his bank accounts so creditors cannot garnish his wages. He now needs me to pay all his bills through my checking account. I’ve had it. I choose not to live my life this way. I am choosing a life of fulfillment, not one of constant chaos and aggression. I don’t even like his personality anymore, especially as it is much different from the personality I thought I was getting at the beginning of the relationship. There is no hope in restoring our relationship. I am already sold on the concept of moving on.
Here’s my problem. I don’t know how to communicate in a compassionate and mature way that the relationship is over. Every time I’ve tried to create boundaries in our relationship, I've said so in a very direct way, which usually resulted in him exploding at me. I don’t know how to communicate boundaries other than saying them matter-of-factly. Last time I tried communicating with him he said “I don’t need to know your boundaries,” so maybe he’s just not willing hearing them.
Breaking up with him will have really bad consequences for him and really positive consequences for me. He really does depend on me for all his needs and I am his only friend. I worry that after our breakup he will eventually drift into homelessness. I wish I could help, but I cannot. It hurts to help. He really is someone who “bites the hand who feeds him.” He yells at me. Maybe there’s verbal and emotional abuse. I am shy and amiable. He is aggressive and angry. There’s no way it’s going to work in the long term. This is why I can no longer provide him assistance. But how to tell him when he may end up homeless as a result of the breakup?