My ADHD husband is totally at the mercy of his symptoms right now. I got him to read enough that he agrees he has it. He is in the “process” of getting himself in somewhere so that he can be diagnosed officially. Reading between the lines, you know know what that means.
Of course, he doesn’t understand the scope of their effect yet. And I do understand that and am reminding myself so I don’t hold it against him.
And in the meantime, I know that it would be so helpful for both of us if I praised him for something. The trouble? His symptoms are so rampant.
The man I live with is super sensitive and always angry. A good day is him just being cranky and irritable. He doesn’t do anything except his hobbies and go to work. He has no friends, like so many others we read about on this forum.
I can thank him for working hard for our family. I can thank him for the occasional affection he initiates. But other than that... I’m at a loss. Idle conversation isn’t very common, and when it is, he takes offense at things I say.
Our marriage is in a really bad place, actually. And he doesn’t see that his relationship with our teens is not in good shape, either. He just can’t see all the destruction the symptoms are causing, and everything is, in his view, everyone else’s fault.
But I know it isn’t hopeless and I know that since I’m in the best place, that change and growth here has to start with me. (I don’t always feel like being the one to do it, but I know it won’t come from him.)
So what do I do if all I can find at this moment is that he goes to work and the sometime-affection? How else can I praise him? Is there another way to build some positivity back in?
I was feeling guilty that things are so bad and that I have stopped offering so much to the relationship, but now I’m being reminded exactly why I stopped. It does no good, it makes me feel worse to have my efforts go unnoticed or to backfire and have him yelling at me or ignoring me...
But the being more positive... that would help me, even if it made no difference to him. I would be reminded that somewhere in there is a guy who might not be too far gone. Because that’s really what I dread might be true. I am afraid that he’s never gonna deal with the symptoms and his emotional health, and that this is the footpath leading to the end.