So I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, I know it's short comparing to some of the other posts I've read... I just need some advice, support or something. We are both young adults, he still a student. I'm a junior accountant, so I cannot be forgetful, de-organized and I cannot afford to loose focus. He on the other hand, is forgetful, inconsiderate and just plain neverminded.
When we started dating, he was everything I wanted, he couldn't stop texting me, flirting...I guess all guys do that in the beginning to win your heart..We always had so much fun and laughing together, talking about anything.. About 7 Months ago, I started to pick things up that really annoyed me or hurt me...for instance, he forgetting to reply to my texts, him not calling me, not planning anything special for us. I started to feel like, if I don't put in the effort to see him, that he's not even going to realize that we don't have plans, and then I feel it wouldn't even bother him if he sees me or not. What makes everything so much harder, we have a long distance relationship... not too much of a distance, we can easily see each other over weekends, and usually we do...but then I have to initiate the plans for us to see each other.
Recently I got so much more frustrated. I talked to him about how he makes me feel, that I don't feel loved, important enough for him, or even worth it for him to show that he cares. I've always believed in "actions speak louder than words" so now I love this guy, that really rarely shows me that he loves me. We had so many fights about this, that he should be more attentive and everything, then it would go great for a week, and then it's back to where we started... this also made me feel unimportant, because if someone loves you, and knows what hurts you, but keep on doing that, it's normal to feel like he doesn't care, right?
I love him with everything, that's why I have not given up on him and our relationship. I fought for it every chance I got, to show him how much I value our love, I did it out of love yes, but also hoping that he would follow my lead and do the same. Needless to say, I was disappointed, hurt and frustrated.
He says he loves me, and I believe him, but it's getting harder for me to believe him, and this frustrates him, because he don't know why I'm doubting him, and I explained why, then he gets angry, and says maybe that's just the way he is.
Two days ago, we almost broke up, because I got angry again, because he always gets busy with something else while we were still chatting or so. It was almost as if he broke down, he told me that he has ADHD, and he can show me the doctor's letter, he had it since his childhood... He needs extra time for exams for example. I was shocked. He told me that he loves me, and only me, it's just so hard for him to show it because he don't know how, he has never been in a serious relationship before. He said he doesn't want anyone but me, and because of me, he is so much better than few years back. He really tries to be more attentive now.
So I know I have to have faith in him, believe that he loves me, because I have to admit, I started to be clingy, and fought so much with him, but he always came back, he never left me. That is a sign for me. When we are together, I cannot be happier, but during the week, when we can't see each other, it kills me.
I decided to not give up on him, this blog gave me hope. I love him too much. And I've come this far. And now I know I can help him and our relationship. It's not going to be easy, but I guess sometimes you love someone so much that you would do anything. I just need him to accept this disorder and to stop being afraid to open up about it.
Any tips from you on here, I will appreciate it so very much!
It took a long longer for my
Submitted by MikesYobo on
It took a long longer for my husband to get to that place wher the initiating was more me than him, but slowly over the years it has become more and more me and less him. We were actually just talking about this today. It's not that he doesn't love me or want to make date night type plans or even initiate sex, he simply gets so distracted by things like online videos and articles, and video games that he doesn't think about it. Of course this hurts me because I do not have ADHD so I do not understand and in my head I just feel unwanted. We talk about this a lot and he tries to make it a point to do things for me to make me feel special. Once in a while he gets me flowers, and he does things he knows I like, like he massages me every night before we go to sleep. These things he remembers and it makes me feel good. He will never be able to always initiate or remember things, and although its upsetting at times, I have gotten used to it and I accept it and love him for him.
The one thing that you need to look at in your relationship is if your boyfriend is willing to listen to you and try to work on the relationship so that change is possible, and acceptance is possible. With someone with ADHD, they will never be able to focus and initiate like most of us would like, but it's not because they don't want to. I know my husband loves me more than anything in this world and he tries hard to show me in ways that he can. If your boyfriend really loves you then he will listen to you and will be willing to try to come up with ideas for how he can make you feel more loved and wanted.
It's not personal
Submitted by ShelleyNW on
To love an ADHD man it is critical to remember that the behavior isn't personal, it is a symptom. It is important to amend your expectations to the reality of the person. Reality is that he won't change. In fact, as he gets older and the stresses of his life increase, the symptoms will intensify. Read the books. Understand them. If you want that attentive, if you love me you will do things for me man you will be disappointed and unhappy. Figure out what you want and be realistic about whether he can deliver them. He does love you, that's not the problem. His brain literally gets in his way. Good luck.
Sometimes reeeeeally frustrating.
Submitted by biancaN1804 on
Thank you for your comment, it's hard facts, eg. that he won't change, but I accept that.
We didn't have a chance to talk about this situation, about him having ADHD..fact is, I'm actually scared too bring it up...because men are men, they have ego's. They hate when they have a weakness, especially something like a brain disorder that won't just "go away". I'm living with my parents now again, and my father has depression for the last 3 years...so yeah, he is too proud to accept it, and when you try to help, you almost have a mini war going on...and it hurts, because we women want to help those we love...we don't care that they have a disease or disorder! But that's not how they see it I guess. I always laughed when people said that you would find a man that's very much alike to your father...now I want to laugh because it came too much true for me.
Back to my bf...I know he loves me, but I can't help feeling that all my rants over the past weeks pushed him away. Atleast we both came to the conclusion that we should try to stop fighting over petty things...but it's really difficult. I know this won't be the traditional relationship. It's just hard to accept it in my heart.
The distance between us is just another obstacle. A big one! Usually we would see each other every weekend..sometimes he will surprise me by coming home. But mostly he comes home every second week and I go visit him the other weekends. Usually he would say that I should come visit, because he first has to ask permission, because he lives in like a student house.. Recently he never invited me anymore..I always had to ask him..last weekend he came home, he didn't even tell me until he were already at home (note, before when he didn't tell me, he came to my house and surprised me). When I then asked him if he would come and say hello, he went quiet and said he was actually on his way to his friends (whom he sees through out the week). I couldn't believe it. He admitted he didn't even think about come saying Hi. I was hurt. And frustrated...and he didn't care.
Now it's Thursday again, the week went well, we didn't fight or anything..I miss him..he's not coming home this weekend...and he still has not asked me to come visit him or said something in the line that he want to be alone. I'm afraid to ask him, because two weeks ago he said he sometimes just want to be alone...I didn't really understand, because why does he say he miss me but then doesn't want to see me? I told him that he should just be honest and tell me when he wants to be alone, so that I don't wait the whole week and hope..he said, that's going to sound rude, but I said, I would rather want the truth so that I won't hope.
Now I'm confused...should I ask him upfront if he want to see me or want to be alone?
I can't help but feel that this is nothing related to his ADHD...I feel again he just don't care anymore..last night he went out with his friends, so we couldn't talk even...but he did say he miss me..but should I believe him? I don't know if he's just saying things that I want to hear..I'm tired of fighting...I don't want to leave him, but everything is against us.
Help.
and oh yeah...I don't know if he just don't want to hurt my feelings by breaking up with me so now he's maybe pushing and hurting me in the hopes that I will break up with him?? I'm so confused :(
thank you!
Submitted by OMT2013 on
Thank you so much for saying this. I think that is the most clear explanation I've seen - his brain gets in the way. I keep telling my friends "I know he loves me" but they look at me like I'm nuts because of his behavior.
Shelly nailed it on the head.
Submitted by dazedandconfused on
Shelly nailed it on the head. You have to decide if you are going to be made unhappy by the fact that he isn't attentive or makes you feel loved the way you want. Their brains do get in the way. My ADHD hubby says it all the time....his brain is like a radio with the stations constantly being flipped between music and talking. A pretty scary notion for those of us who are more regimented!
I don't think he is pushing you to break-up with him. He seems to have no problems verbalizing his feelings for you. I thinks ADHDers are good at that for the most part. My husband is that is for sure. It's been hard for me to re-adjust my policy of "actions speak louder than words" but I've managed to do it. Or at least not be so demanding that I feel like he is constantly failing me.
My hubby and I went through the long distance thing and it made things WAY worse between us. We dated for six months where we were with each other every day practically. But then I had to move an hour or so away for work. He kicked and screamed and swore that he would pay my bills if I would just stay. That offended my independence and I went on moved. By this time we were talking marriage so we were in deep. It never once occurred to me that he didn't put much effort forth to see me once I moved. I was always arranging his time with me or I was going to see him, etc. He had huge time management issues; so much so that we postponed the wedding twice because I just wasn't sure. And then we finally got married and it was a disaster. He lost his job two days before the wedding and was depressed which only exacerbated his symptoms. After a year of misery, I finally picked up on his issues. He went to a doctor and lo and behold, he was diagnosed with ADHD. He probably always had it but because he was schooled at home as a child, his mother never picked up on it. Some of his college professors did and he basically was let go from his police job because of his time management problems.
Flash forward four years. We're still together. We've been through some serious ups and downs, including a separation. But things are better. We've been in marital counseling for over a year and will probably continued to be so for the duration. While he is currently not on medication, he has learned to identify the days where his symptoms are liability. He still has problems making me a priority--it doesn't make me feel great, true--but he tries really hard to change his behavior. I just have to remember that he's swimming against the tide. Sure there are days that I wish he was more purposely attentive. But it's important to not compare him to my friends' husbands or wish for things that he might not be able to give me. That was the decision I made when I chose to stay with him. Fortunately for me, I'm pretty independent so deep down, a lot of the things he does (or doesn't do) don't really bother me. But I am bothered by the fact that people judge us and our marriage based on what they see. I've gotten very defensive because they think badly of him without giving any thought to the fact that maybe I'm OK with it or what our arrangements are. At the end of the day, I'm a spiritual person, so I believe that God puts us with certain people for a reason. I honestly think that there would be very few women in the world that would put up with some of the things he does and still love him the way that I love him. I hope that doesn't sound conceited or anything...it's actually a comfort to me. I've been placed with someone to make a difference in their life through my love and hopefully...patience.
Good luck to you.
this sounds like my
Submitted by ellie1 on
this sounds like my relationship, ive been with him for almost a year now so abit less than yourself and we are both young also.
its just so hard sometimes he calls me awful things and says terrible things what i couldnt dream of saying to him, he says all this in arguments and over reacts about the slightest things and his mood swings are terrible. everyone is telling me to give up on him but like yourself i love him too much to let him go as hurtful as the things he says some times i still want to be with him because when its great it is amazing. we also have a long distance relationship as he is in the army but comes home most weekends but if we had an argument during week he doesnt come see me yet when he does see me he makes so much effort makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world this is what i cant get my head around how he can be so nasty and hurt me so much then be the best boyfriend ever, it really confuses me and confuses me why i love him so much. whenever i try and talk to him about this and how i feel he suddenly gets angry.
this all has resulted in with arguments with my mother as she is telling me to leave him but i cant because i love him to pieces. i need advice also about this situation
I have come to understand
Submitted by fixingme on
I have come to understand through my 8 year 'relationship' with the live in bf, to live with a man with ADHD you must give up all hope or expectations of anything you ever wanted from a relationship, friendship or lover. ANYTHING, even one tiny little thing that one might hope for, emotional support, attention, respect, even a simple thank you, forget it. Melissa and others can convince themselves that the men in their lives had better intentions, but I think that is self delusion, the only way they can endure the thought of their wasted lives, shattered hopes and dreams. After the initial hyperfocus period, the 'gotcha' phase, I was treated like I did not exist or worse. I was never remembered until he needed or wanted something. I was a beautiful woman, the perfect size 2, perfect hair, perfect skin, in great physical and financial shape, accomplished and more, but I began to feel like I was nothing within the first few years. NOTHING!!! I was never paid attention to beyond the five minute, no foreplay, hop on top of me and hop back off, disinterested and often distracted, losing the erection, what passes for ADHD sex. He never heard a word I said unless it was in absolute praise of him. He never cherished me, respected me, understood me or even missed me when I finally ran screaming in the other direction. Before I left I wanted to put a gun in my mouth because I could not stand one more moment of the ADHD hell my life had become. And when I did leave, he told everyone that I was a psychotic bitch, a nag, a thief (I must have stolen money from him because he can't remember when or where he spent it.) Rest assured, he never spent a dime on me because he never thought of me, not on my birthday, anniversary, Christmas, nothing. I could have been on my death bed and he would not have thought of me for a moment, he would have been distracted by a shiny handful of beads. He was so selfish, egotistical and delusional. Trust me, he wasn't a bit afraid of failure, he did not care that he met no normal expectations, he thought he was the most special, talented, intelligent man on earth. He was 50 and wanted to retire from a job he didn't have on money he planned on me giving him to become a professional athlete. An ironman, no less, even though at most local small town events the 250 lb. women blew past him. He saw none of the reality, nor would he have any of it. And he had no intention of EVER getting help or medication. Like it or leave it, he said, and eventually I did. But not before the damage was done, and trust me, the emotional damage is for life. You will have no self esteem or self respect. You will literally HATE yourself because you were that stupid, blind and gullible. Run away before he destroys you.
That was painful to read. I
Submitted by lauren07 on
That was painful to read. I fully agreed with the last bit of the very first sentence. That last bit is horrifying to me no matter what the intentions are. I know my husband loves me though. He does remember important dates. He does appreciate things. But it's not enough for me. The way sex went from amazing to the worst ever still blows my mind. After hyperfocus, the heart and soul went out of it too, even though he still wanted it 5x a day. This relationship is probably the only one that has REALLY made me angry. To marry my best friend and then for that person to disappear in a matter of months has literally scarred me for the rest of my life. I'll forever be on the lookout for add and that awful hyperfocus.