How to Deal with the Double Standard

My husband gets impatient and tense over, omg, an endless numbers of things. He is sort of Jekyll and Hyde bc he's not a mean guy - he is sweet and caring and tries to do his best with me - but just, like there are frequent circumstances where he is tense/tired/hungry/trying to focus and can't, etc., where he has a very very short fuse.

While I find this tiresome and annoying, once I started to understand the ADHD thing, and also felt secure enough with myself (and his love for me) where I didn't take it personally, I generally have learned to just back off and give him the cold shoulder when he acts that way.  Sometimes we're in a situation where I can't abort the mission - like if we're in a car together or somehting.  In those situations, I may put up with a grouchy, tense, impatient husband for a couple hours and a few terse adolescent-toned comments before i finally snap and tell him to stop acting like that.

Here is my problem....he is IMMENSELY SENSITIVE and will have an all out meltdown if i take a tone with him.  That's right A TONE - for ONE SENTENCE. We drove home from vacation this weekend and from the time he woke up and packed up and two hours into the drive, every interaction with him (tired, sick, whatever) he was tense and impatient, and yet for every. single. comment. i kept my cool and didnt stoop to that level with him.  At one point I took a wrong turn and his overreaction to that merited my yelling for him to back off. So, it took hours and dozens of negative exchanges for him to finally get a rise out of me - and even then, i dont take any of it personally....

On the other hand, we have a nice evening and there is one convo abotu staining this piece of furniture and i said the same sentence twice and he still didnt hear - he said again "you put the stain on ten minutes right" and so the third time i had to say it i just had a slightly impatient tone when i said "NO! not ten! ONE minute for walnut and TWO for grey!"

He had a meltdown, told me i was "calling him an idiot and treatig him badly" and he stormed off to his office to go look up how to stain things and declared that I am not to touch the piece of furniture, that my impatience shows I dont know what i am doing since i "got so defensive" and he doesnt need to hear about what a moron he is.

I just stood in the doorway dumbfounded (as i am on a daily basis when this sort of drama happens over nothing)....i told him i was simply getting impatient bc i said something three times, that;s all.

Then i cam en the other room. 

WHY? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!??! WHY does he think it's ok to act impatient and terse and bratty if he feels....oh i dont know....sore from working out....tired....sick....stressed from work....stressed about too too busy.....has a lot on his mind....the list goes on.....but I have to act PERFECTLY and if i get impatient EVEN FOR ONE SENTENCE he pulls from it the giant slew of crap stated above and just acts like hes been totally mistreated?!?  


i am so exhausted with this guy. he expects me to be patient at all times, and stroke his ego and be perfect to HIM at all times, but he doesnt seem to try to project that same standard at ALL. He totally wallows in his own negative anything...and wears it on his sleeve and takes it out on me.