I'm in desperate need of advice. I'm in a relationship with a man who has been diagnosed with ADHD, but doesn't take medication or seeks any other kind of treatment. We're in our early 30s and together for almost one-and-a-half years. The beginning of our relationship was incredibly wonderful, in general I think he's a nice, faithful man who gives me lots of physical closeness (cuddling,...) in private (he hates PDA) and also usually helps me when I'm in need. We usually text and call a lot and meet each other regularly. So far, so good. However, things started changing a couple of months ago and I just don't know what to do. I can't really say where I'm just too sensitive or where he really is being unloving, unkind and just not a good match. I try to cope with the ADHD, but because he refuses treatment there's only so much I can do and only so much I can take.
We met when he was working at a temporary job close to my hometown. The job was limited to I think July or August of this year and after that the company offered him a position as branch manager in pretty much a city of his choice (there are spread all over the country). Prior to our relationship he used to live in a smaller city that he really liked, he said his whole life he has been looking for a home and that this city was the first that ever made him feel that way (well, he only lived in one other place before, but oh well..). Because of my career I'm limited to a few cities that offer great opportunities, but I'd be willing to go for 2nd or 3rd choice as well. However, in his city I can't get a job and he knows that I'm also not really liking it there that much. Because change is such a big problem for him, we discussed this matter many times. We agreed that we wanted to stay together and move in together and after a while he said we could move to one of my top 2 cities for 1 or 2 years so I can get my career going. He told his boss to find him a position there and everything was fine. Until he told me that he had been taking on a job in "his" city behind my back and that he will quit his current position. No word about our original plans, no empathy, no remorse, no uneasy feeling... Just him glowing, telling me that they're "so nice" and "their way of working totally up his alley"... I asked him what will happen to our original plans and he just said "Well, besides our relationship there was never any reason for me to move there in the first place".
After a night or two I tried to talk to him about it again and I tried to see things from his perspective. He said he think it'd be a good idea if I pursue my career goals in "my" city of choice for a year while he stays in "his" city for a year to enjoy his sports team, meet friends etc. Then, in a year, he'd know if he warmed up to my city and we could also explore other cities together to see which ones we like. However, he already behaves likes he WILL not leave his city anytime soon. While he never really worked on our original plans, just complaining about high rents, he goes crazy apartment hunting in his city.. He looks at places more expensive than the ones we wanted to rent together, even took out a huge loan for a designer kitchen that was mandatory to take over from a previous tenant (he didn't end up getting the apartment btw). He chooses apartments where no cats are allowed although I have one that I'd never leave behind. He invests in expensive sleeping coaches so friends from the SAME city can stay overnight (!?!?). His future talks never really include any other reality than him living and staying in this city, working that new job (he will start in a few weeks).
Obviously, I could go with the flow and see what'll happen, but I also have a very hard time dealing with his behavior. We would be in a LDR then, he promised to visit each other every weekend. If there'd be an important or special event, we could of course talk and find a compromise or skip visiting for a week, but we agreed on devoting the weekends to our relationship. He already made plans for the next couple of weekends though, like bar nights with his friends, concerts he knows I don't want to go to, parties etc. He never talks to me about them, he just decides he wants to go and I can either join him or do something else. He never ever plans a night out with me, never suggests anything we both like.. It's been an issue for over a year now anyways and all talking doesn't help.
He is just so selfish and inconsiderate of my feelings.. Every time I bring topic up he starts rolling his eyes, screaming that I'm ruining his life, that I'm just stress, then he slams doors, punshes walls, breaks phones and totally freaks out. He says if I would just stop discussing stuff we could have a great relationship. He's not interested in my life at all, always forgets important events, never asks about my day. I had a really important job interview yesterday, he texted that he'll be at his friends' place and that he will call me from there.. After 8 hours of not hearing from him, I texted if we would still talk today. He just texted back "No". I replied that I wanted to talk to him about the interview and he just wrote something like how he didn't have time all day (he was on Facebook liking stupid stuff the entire time!!) and now he wants to talk to his friend and eat. He was writing it in a VERY mean way (English is not our native language) and just basically ignored me since. This happens a lot. He promises to call or text, nothing happens, when I ask the other day he tells me he had absolutely NO TIME to be on his phone. But he's on his phone ALL THE TIME, even online on Facebook for hours.. When I confront him he comes up with stupid excuses like Facebook logged him in or he just pressed the button for a second or the app is broken.
He puts his needs first ALL the time, it feels like he CAN'T put himself in my shoes even if he tried. He never comforts me when I cry, he talks about breaking up a lot, too, but always says something like "I WANT to be with you forever, but I don't know if I can survive it" or he just shrugs and says "I don't know". His newest idea was to stick to our relationship (being a couple, texting, meeting...) but thinking hard about whether to stay with me or not. When I told him how hurtful this is he freaked out again.
There are many, many other things that hurt me and make me uncomfortable, I hate how messy he is, I caught him in lies as well (he always only dripfeeds me the truth....), he takes NO responsibility, everything is my fault, he tells friends that I never met that my jealousy is ruining everything, he tells me his female friends are pretty but never compliments me... The list goes on. Sometimes he refuses to kiss me because of stupid stuff like "My eyes burn today". I'm constantly too annoying and too much stress. There are SO many things I've read in this forum that made me think everyone is dating my boyfriend ;)
I admit I have jealousy issues that won't go away because we can't have a conversation about the times he hurt me and broke my trust (he didn't really cheat though).
I guess my question is how I can know if I'm causing his bad behavior because I want to discuss things and tell him when he hurts me.. And I also need to know how sure I can be that he really will move to another place with me in a year?! But with all that distance between us, will he even change? Maybe he'll continue to do his thing and I can suck it up or go. I'm so worn out, I'm not even my usually happy self anymore. I'm going through tough times too (a health problems that requires surgery soon, lost my job....) and I'm always alone with it. However, he requires that I spend hours and hours talking to him about his sore throat...
Am I setting myself up for more disappointment?
I needed to get this out. Any advice or help or comment would help me A LOT. Thank you so much in advance.