How to deal with RSD

Looking for tips on dealing with RSD. My husband was recently diagnosed in his 40s (after 20 years of marriage) with ADHD. I think the most challenging aspect for me is RSD. We did several years of therapy where the therapist worked on getting my husband to own his behavior (everything was always my fault). Things got better for a few years. He would video our interactions and look for ways that he was being unkind. Recently though I went through a three month mental health crisis. During that time he was very supportive. As soon as I got better and started having boundaries again, things blew up. We've worked through a lot of the logistics of comprising on chores and recreation. However it still feels like things are only peaceful if I take all the blame for everything. This morning he got very upset when I reminded him to take out the trash. He said I was scrunching up my face and showing contempt. What I was feeling was fear he would blow up. He blew up and is refusing to believe that I felt fear rather than contempt. We had a lovely getaway weekend, but during part of it he was doing a lot of correcting of how I talked to him. I think he was spot on in many cases, but this morning I think triggered that anger that I have to speak a certain way and I got angry. I've tried to approach this rationally the last 8 hours, owning my part of it. He keeps insisting that our love must be a lie because in my anger I said that he was correcting me in every conversation. Although I have calmly said what I feel, he keeps saying that either he his completely clueless and blind as to himself and  I should divorce him right now, or that I'm just making excuses for myself and not willing to own my own stuff (I think that's what he really believes) because he doesn't want to divorce.

A lot of this cycle is because I am also anxious and get really scared when he's constantly accusing me of being angry with him, or talking about how he "Is or isn't allowed to do things" as if I yell at or berate him which I don't do. I eventually do explode after he won't believe me that I'm not mad at him, or tells me that he knows how I really feel and that I'm not being honest. (Like this morning, when he insisted that I was feeling and treating him with contempt when I calmly, and somewhat apologetically asked him to take out the garbage) I said that my intent was not to be condescending but I could see how my impact was and I was sorry. He still keeps bringing up these extreme examples, refuses to engage with what I'm actually saying, refueses to own anything.

I am hopeful that in a few days he will calm down, but I'm exhausted and wondering how hard I want to fight. He is on Adderall and accepts his diagnosis. Should I encourage him to try Guanfecine. I've sent him articles on RSD, but I don't think he is really ready to own that. 

I can just focus on myself and refuse to engage with him when he's like this. Maybe that's the answer? Our teenage daughter was just diagnosed and is doing the same thing to me. The only thing that seems to work is to walk away, but she still holds resentment and accuses me of crazy things after thet face as does my husband. Things are much better than they were, and the RSD explains a lot and maybe why our former therapy wasn't 100% perfect as the therapists treated him more like a narcissist. 

Also, I just got the audiobook "The ADD effect on Marriage." Is there a chapter on RSD? I feel like most articles I've read talk about the non-ADHD spouse being more kind and udnerstanding, but our marriage therapists have always told me that I need to own less and he needs to own more.