My partner was diagnosed many years ago, and mentioned it 'in passing' shortly after we started dating (and living together) 20 months ago. I just figured that explained why he bounced off walls at times. However; his stress, anxiety and anger, while initially explained by stressful life situations, caused me to eventually wonder if something else is going on. I have only recently started researching - and found he is a classic case of ADHD/anxiety. He is highly functioning, has got a lot of self management systems in place, but in some ways is quite immature, cold and clueless.
I believe he didn't realise how big an issue it was for our relationship. I am clear that if he wants to stay with me he needs to try meds. He didn't want to take them but recognises I have run out of steam. I don't have much patience left - I'd worn myself down being "supportive" during the 'temporary' stressful times, little knowing that ADHD was at the core. I know now that he had tried Ritalin before without much success.
I am wondering, and asking all of you experienced partners, what can I reasonably expect will happen when he is under meds? I understand it will take a while to find the right drug and dose, but I don't know what is hard-wired and what will soften/change?
He is impulsive and erratic (I don't mind) has a lack of empathy (I find this hard) is unable to be 'present' (ditto). He has a low self esteem and is constantly worried about being 'wrong'. I'm worried that the only thing that may change is the one thing I don't mind - his erratic nature!
Hey Jude :-) Every person is
Submitted by Steph on
Hey Jude :-)
Every person is different and every person requires that certain dose or combo of meds as well as some counseling/coaching. Its such a difficult and frustrating road for both the ADDer and the Non Add spouse! It takes time and patience. Personally, after almost a year we have yet to find anything that works substantially enough for him to function appropriately. I am close to throwing in the towel.
One year trying?
Submitted by Jude on
I can appreciate how hard that has been for you.
Meds and Other things
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You not only want to approach treatment as a course of meds, but also as a complete regimen. He wants to change his physical self (medications in the brain, better nutrition, and more aerobic exercise) as well as his behavioral self (strategies for better organization, learning ways to communicate his feelings more effectively, etc.) AND his psychological issues (address the anxiety through medication, meditation or something).
There are folks with ADD who respond beautifully to full treatment and can really pull themselves together, but meds alone won't do it for him.
The summer '09 issue of ADDitude Magazine has a great article about nutrition and ADD (The ADD-Friendly Diet) I got a preview because I write a column for them. It's not yet up on the web, but check their website in a few weeks to find it.
Meds is the missing component
Submitted by Jude on
Thanks Melissa. He is high functioning, and he is fit, with excellent eating habits, and strong strategies around managing his behaviours (though some of these strategies are 'young', not mature strategies, help with this would be great). He meditates, and needs to do so more regularly (as do I).
I agree, he needs a support team - ideally a psychiatrist, psychologist/therapist/coach, other healers as work for him, and we have agreed that we will build this team.
Meds - I hope - will give him a new baseline where he can stop using 99% of his energy to monitor/track/control his behaviour. I hope they give him some breathing space so he can do targetted personal development work. For instance, first he needs to stop thinking of himself as 'bad' and 'broken'!
Eye Opener!
Submitted by AnonymousOne (not verified) on
Thank you
Submitted by Jude on
That is great news for me, but must have been simply fabulous for you! I am learning to have a whole different relationship with my partner based on my knowledge of ADHD now, with much more realistic expectations and a sensible approach to the issues (rather than waiting for it to get better when life's stresses disappeared.)
I think my partner, like you, felt he should be able to manage simply with willpower and intellect. I think that puts far too much unnecessary stress on the brain and the body. It also reflects an unrealistic assessment of the impact that his condition has, not only on himself but on me. Now I know what is going on, it feels like his body is screaming 'crisis' while he continues to try and 'manage'. He's exhausted. I couldn't do what he has done, it is overwhelming what he has 'managed' so far but it is unsustainable.
Hi there...
Submitted by blueroses4me on
Wow...how I can relate to you! My husband, who I've been married to for twelve-LONG-years, was diagnosed with ADHD two years into our marriage. I too, have ADD and my two daughters have ADHD! So our household is always caotic. But one thing that always seems to "stir the mix" more is my husband. He drives for a living so he is not home constantly, however, when he is, it's like he's a child again. So I can definitely relate to this. It's annoying and I often feel like leaving him and if it wasn't for his kind heart and goofy sense of humor, I probably would! (this time next week may be a different story!)
Now, when he does take his meds, he is calm, patient and actually acts more mature. Those of us with ADD/ADHD don't have much self-introspection to begin with, so it can really get bad when an argument or situation happens that demands some accountability. This is where my husband and I have our biggest fights. Right now, he is not taking his meds (no insurance) and it's been pure hell lately to even stay in the same room with him. He's hyper and very "curt" with his words. This drives me up the wall! But when he is on his meds, it seems that he is more aware of how his behavior is affecting those around him.
I do take my meds and that helps, but I often feel like I'm the one doing it all to make this relationship work. This does build resentment so I applaud you for searching this out now.
The meds will help a lot. I have tried several different ones over the last thirteen years (when I was first diagnosed) and while each may be different, they did help with the symptoms of impulsivity and concentration. If one med doesn't work, don't stop there. Keep trying until he finds the right med, 'cause there is one that will work for him! Hang in there--you are not alone in this!
Take care.
Just worn out
Submitted by Jude on
Thank you for your support. I just wish he had sat me down and told me how it affects him, and how it could affect us, when we started dating. I would have managed this so very differently. So it's only now, when I've practically run out of steam thinking I'd failed him somehow, that I realise what is going on. And now I am supposed to summon a whole new reservoir of energy to help him organise himself around dealing with psychiatrists again and managing meds? And especially now I KNOW he's not capable to be there for me, it wasn't just that he was stressed and distracted about other things until now, he just isn't wired to care for me as I would expect? He doesn't get how it affects me but he can see that it does. And that is the best I can expect?
I don't know how much energy I have for this. He's wonderful but unless I can find a way to stay calm, centred and strong (the normal me!) I don't know how to go forward.
try a trade?
Submitted by lupin (not verified) on