Maybe this isn't the right place for this...
I married my husband almost 4 years ago. We didn't know he had ADD. He had been working, at that point, for 6 months at a call center (not a good fit for the ADD brain, but we didn't know he had it.) Having gotten medical insurance for the first time, I found out I have sleep apnea, which requires a very expensive piece of equipment to treat. I already knew I have hypertension and had had a stroke. Between my diagnosis and my treatment, my husband got fired for hanging up on customers. He didn't work regularly for over 3 years, during which I had no treatment for my hypertension and sleep apnea. Our doctor "fired" us because we couldn't pay a bill, and that sort of specialized treatment isn't covered by charity care. I worked 2 and (for a while) 3 jobs and he stayed home and stared at the walls and watched TV. He did no housework and just expected me to take care of everything.
I figured out he was depressed. When treatment for that was only partly successful, I figured out he has ADD. Now he takes meds for that too, and he is working. We have insurance, and I was able to have some long-delayed surgery at Christmastime. I should be on top of the world, right?
But I am still resentful. I feel so much pain that he was unable to force himself to do his job correctly even when being fired could have killed me. Every loss in our life because of his ADD makes me want to cry. Things like not being able to buy a house, or paying 20% interest for his car because his last car was repossessed because I couldn't pay for it and he wasn't working. Or having to use a semester's tuition to get his car out of impound because he didn"t call anyone when it broke down.
I love him, I understand his ADD to some extent, but I am so responsible that I simply can't imagine not working. This resentment is tearing our marrriage apart. But how am I supposed to forget it happened? How do I say it's all right that I could have died because he wouldn't do the job he was hired for? How do I deal with permanent physical effects of 3 years of medical neglect? How do I accept that he's never going to understand that his actions (or inactions) have consequences? That hasn't happened with 2 different ADD meds, so I don't thinlk it's ever going to. Our marriage counselor wants to talk about things like housework schedules, and it feels like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Has anyone else had a happy marriage to someone who has neglected them like my husband has? Is there any way to fix this?
damage
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
re:damage
Submitted by adder on
Once you understand how other women are suffering in similar ways, it will help you see his behaviour in a more forgiving way. Maybe your own insecurity and resentments are now (understandably) coming into the relationship too. Help him and help yourself by coping better rather then wishing for a better life or running to a new one.This can only happen if you take his behaviour less personally and see it as a physical illness.
It must be very frustrating for you to be the more responsible person all the time, but at least you are not hampered with this disability. I'd swap my ADD for a spouse with ADD any time. . You have to be your own knight in shining armour. With effort and understanding your relationship can only get richer and more fulfilling.
to adder
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
sorry
Submitted by adder on
I am sorry if I made you feel bad or demeaned it certainly was not my intention. You are correct there is a lot of things in your relationship which I don't know. Indeed I spoke from my own experience and this clearly does not apply to you. I do very much laud your effort for trying to be loving and cannot imagine how tough it must be for you. Please accept my humble apologies!
to adder
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
re: to adder
Submitted by adder on
Thank you very much for your forgivnees. I worried greatly that I had caused you deep pain when all you were trying to do was get help. Unfortunatley my ADD phase was higher when I wrote to you. I am not very good with words but felt compelled to help you. I too have sleep Apena (way milder then yours) as well as depression/ADD and feel lethargy & exhaustion at times. Mellisa has explianed beautifully what I wanted to say. If there is any way in which I can help you further please ask and I will try as best as I can. I greatly admire your courage to go through this, to stand by your man, to come back to me with your pain and your forgivness. Your husband is very fortunate to have you!
PS Do you use have a CPAP machine for Sleep Apniea?
Reply to adder
Submitted by Sueann on
Yes, I do use a CPAP machine for sleep apnea. It took me years to get the machine after I was diagnosed. Stroke patients like me often suffer from sleep apnea, they don't know which is cause and which is effect. But when I got married and had someone to sleep with, he figured out I had sleep apnea. (My cats never mentioned it to me. :)
One of the things I am complaining about is that my husband hung up on customers, knowing I needed this and needed his insurance to get it, and had an appointment to get it. When I was suffering such a serious medical problem, he would not/could not control his impulses and put me first, even for a few weeks.
A new begining
Submitted by adder on
Hey! I totally empathize with what you are feeling. I know it is not too much to ask for your spouse to help you, especially when it comes to serious medical issues. It does make us feel unloved and rejected when they seem be to be taking the easy way out. As you quite rightly say, you could never do such a thing. I too would feel my spouse had no honor and lacked real commitment. Almost certainly it would feel as if they were hiding behind their ADD. On top of it all, for him to be depressed such a short time after your marriage, which must have been such a blow. It has left you wondering if he truly wanted this relationship and you.
Life has been real shit for you and no one should have to go thru that and still there is there is no end in sight to your pain. Nonetheless, here you are today, your sleep apnea under control, a job, and your spouse however he is. This tells me a lot about you, what you have gone through, the despair, your amazing strength of character and dedication.
You have the grit inside you and somehow got through this one sided relationship this far. Alas it was a heavy burden, a burden no one should have to bare. You are an electric battery which was forever discharged more then charged. Now you are completely drained and don't know how to come to terms with the past, or to choose a path to the future. You are still the SAME character that got you this far, only your battery is drained completely, you have nothing more to give! Yes I know, I know, it's all so unfair, why you, what have you done to deserve this, it has all been sh**, life is sh**, your spouse is sh**, ADD is sh**. What about your needs, your life, do you not deserve love, happiness? Haven’t you always done the right thing? Well listen and absorb this to the every depth of your being “you deserve better, you deserve more happiness”.
Ahh, to hell with it all, let’s have some “me” time. Let’s put your self first for a change. You are going to take time out for a while to look after you, to enjoy yourself, to pamper yourself. How about you bake me some cakes? I am hopeless at those.
Let’s really get involved in this baking thing, let’s even name each and every type of cake. Let call this cake the “HOPE cake”!. This is not going to be any ordinary run of the mill cake, oh no! It is going to be best most divinely delectably, soft, stunning, exquisite and wholesome cake ever made in the world! What’s more, any person who eats your cake gets a large dose of "hope" too!. There lives are made immeasurably better, richer and more fulfilling!
You don't know how or why these cakes are going to be special, they just are! Trust me O.K.? You have what it takes, your talent is just waiting, waiting for you to open the door. The magic is in your hands! Your job is just to bake each and every cake with total love, total devotion. Think about this cake at every spare moment, will it be, sponge, layered, fruity ? . Think about its exquisite color, feel the delight of all those people who eat it. Feel their joy, look at their smiles as they eat and smile back at them. Yours is an amazing gift, to bake "hope, lots and lots of hope. Everyday, as you fall off to sleep, think about this wonderful cake of “hope”. Feel its power to transform, to make the desert bloom. Accept the magic of your talent! Do not worry how, just trust and have faith it will happen, you will have “hope” in your life. Yu don’t need to know how or why just expect it will happen, just bake that all!
I have got lots of other cake ideas when you have made the most of this one! So get baking you guys and have a little “me” time whilst doing it!
Seeing ADD as a physical
Submitted by Lili (not verified) on
Seeing ADD as a physical illness doesn't change any of the results of the behaviors associated with the disorder/disease (pick your favorite PC term). Hearing your husband say "I tried" a billion times doesn't make one bit of positive difference if the same behaviors continue after years of therapy, medication, and work. We ALL have serious issues. Some of us were molested as children and/or abandoned and/or had criminally messed-up parents, etc. Some of us are bi-polar or have cancer or have to care for a sick parent/child, etc. We each have our own serious issues to deal with that make achieiving our life goals very, very hard. So...why do those folks diagnosed with ADD get some sort of special pass? Would you blame a dog for barking? Of course not, but I would get that dog trained pronto so it would know when barking was appropriate (stranger in house--Timmy in a well--woof!) and not (most of the time).
Add as physical
Submitted by Steph on
Sing it Lili! I couldn't have said it any better!
:-)
Reframing ADD behaviours
Submitted by adder on
People with ADD don't get a special pass to excuse their behaviour. Yours is an unusual case in that there are unresovled problems even after a lot of time and effort. We can all learn and sometimes reframing behaviour gives us a greater power to control it. For your sake find a way to forgive & forget the past and make the most of what is left. We have to forgive for our sake otherwise it eats us from the inside. Maybe in time both of you may learn to better manage and live with this.
Don't know that you can make this comment
Submitted by Aspen on
I am troubled by this comment "I'd swap my ADD for a spouse with ADD any time." I think that is going to cause hackles to rise as I know that it raised mine. I am the spouse of an ADD mate, and compared to most women on this site, my life is a cakewalk and I STILL get overwhelmed with frustration when promises aren't carried out and I hear a bit too much of "but I tried" and "I don't know" when trying to figure out why commitments weren't fullfilled.
I would never say that I would swap my frustrations for the frustrations of my mate because I honestly don't know who has it worse, BUT I can tell you from where us non-ADDers are sitting the ADD life sure does seem like a bargain. You *forget* to do anything you don't like to do, apologize ad naseum but seldom make lasting changes, and live in a world where you don't notice anything that needs to be done around you. There are definitely worse lives out there--many being lived my non-ADD mates!
I think this site has to be a bit scary for a person with ADD. There is a lot of anger and frustration here, and my ADD husband didn't find it to be real ADD-friendly (in the sense of welcoming I think); BUT this is genuine anger and frustration caused by the actions of a person who promised to love, honor, and cherish these women.
She could have DIED because of his behavior. Is that his fault as he was an undiagnosed mentally ill person? I don't know--I'd venture to say that in this position it might have behooved him to WONDER at least if he had a serious issue considering that he was acting horrendously. But it sure as heck iwasn't her fault either, and she is saying she has permanent damage caused to her health because of getting treatment so late. She is looking for help GETTING OVER the resentment and keeping her marriage going. I applaud her for wanting to do this and not just staying mired in resentment over things which cannot be changed now.
I can't see how it's helpful in that situation to say she is better off than the person with ADD. From the outside looking in, his life has been a heck of a lot easier AND he got the quicker treatment for his issues.
re: Don't know that you can make this comment
Submitted by David on
"I think this site has to be a bit scary for a person with ADD. There is a lot of anger and frustration here, and my ADD husband didn't find it to be real ADD-friendly (in the sense of welcoming I think);"
You're right. Its most unfriendly - if by that you're meaning that it doesn't make the one with the ADD feel very good about themselves; makes them feel ashamed when they read story after story describing what its been like living with what could only be termed as a decided imbecile - then it is ADD - unfriendly and I can't think of a better mise en scène for anyone ( husbands with families in particular ) with ADHD to see, on their own volition and without that automatic defense mechanism kicking in and blinding them to the ugly truth.
Personal comfort and ADD make bad partners, as I've learned- that's why I try to read the posts on a regular basis.
=================================
"Recognition is the greatest motivator."
-Gerard C. Eakedale
RIGHT ON, DAVID!
Submitted by StopInterrupting on
It's hard for me not to call my ADD wife's ADD son an IDIOT at times. One time I came home from work and found the front door wide open and my dog running out in the street. He "forgot" to close the door behind him.
Don't even get me going about the (gas) stove, the faucets, or standing in the shower for 20 minutes because he "forgot" to wash himself.
What a burden ADD is on the rest of us.
re: RIGHT ON, DAVID
Submitted by David on
"One time I came home from work and found the front door wide open and my dog running out in the street. He "forgot" to close the door behind him.
Don't even get me going about the (gas) stove, the faucets, or standing in the shower for 20 minutes because he "forgot" to wash himself."
LOL! Ah, man WTF is it with not closing doors behind them?!? LOL How old is your (Step?) son? My oldest boy ( with the ADHD ) is seven. We'll be sitting there at tea or having dinner and he'll see something, the neighbor's dog, the postal man, whatever, and all of a sudden, without warning, the boy will jump up and tear-ass out the front door without shoes, shirt... mouth full of food and more'n likely a pair of chopsticks ( his mum is Chinese ) in his eating hand...I can only imagine what the neighbor thinks when she see's him running at her full steam...I half expect to see her and her dog take off running down the street with my son right behind them...a piece of seaweed salad dangling from his chopsticks...
Here's the kicker: I have ADHD as well. On more occasions than I care to enumerate here, I've gotten us out to the van for our morning commute and found the key still in the ignition - still engaged! I hadn't bothered to even shut the engine off the day beforehand and left the motorcar to run all night. When we get home in the afternoon, my kids know instinctively to wait inside the van as more likely than not, I've forgotten the house keys and will have to have a few minutes to jimmy the door lock open. I could go on...
But I NEVER forget to close the door behind me ;)
Having ADHD and at the same time having a child with the same disorder, a child whom I've dedicated my life to helping him overcome his obstacles, has given me a unique sort of patience. Patience not in the sense where you give them passes on things, overlook their faults, stifle resentments ( 'oh THATS okay dear' ) - I think a lot of people here who are the family members of those with ADD think that to be patience, its not, its just the opposite - and even if it were, thats not going to help their ADD family members] later. What I mean rather is a deep-seated desire to stop everything else around me and say 'What is really taking place here?', 'What does [my son] really need to learn from this?' regardless of whatever else I'm doing...somehow I've come to understand that those times when it is especially inconvenient for me to get to the root of things with respects to my son's ADHD behaviours, its especially important that I forget myself and behave as though nothing else in the world matters more than making sure that I'm being consistent in enforcing those principles and ideas that I've talked with him about...making sure that I seize those opportunities that are presented to drive home the lesson...that can take many different guises...sometimes its being especially gentle and understanding at other times it calls for an approach similar to that I would imagine to be used by Army Ranger instructors or Shaolin Priests in instructing their charges...whatever is needed at the moment and ALWAYS ALWAYS in a controlled fashion and never directed by emotion. I can tell you that everytime I've made myself to do that, the reward has been great.
Anyway, I went on a tangent there...
take care
=============================
Even Agent Smith Gets the Blues
- Eugene Donohoe, Dublin City
To David
Submitted by jgsmom on
I am so impressed at your determination and consistency of your awareness and learning about your ADD to become a better/happier man and to teach your son how to be a better/happier person. We all (ADD or not) have our own issues in life that require a real good look in the mirror sometimes, none of us are perfect, but if we are honest with ourselves and face these issues we can learn to be better people, HAPPIER people, a real gift not only to ourselves but to the people who love us as well. I really appreciate your posts and look forward to reading more, I hope that one day I can say the same thing about my husband. BRAVO!!
I have to agree with you on
Submitted by newfdogswife on
I have to agree with you on your comment about the ADD life sure does seem like a bargain. Who wouldn't like living in a "Peter Pan" world, not ever having to "grow up", not having any responsibilities, or it being OK to forget to do anything and everything. I hate to say it, (not my true character) but, I would switch with my ADD husband in a heartbeat. I am so ready to live in a "Fantasy World" for a change. Only problem, my husband would fight me to the finish, as he still continues to dwell in his ADD issues and I'm afraid he always will.
Oh yes
Submitted by Hoo on
Agreed!! Well written, you nailed that answer adder. As a wife of, no matter how difficult, we HAVE to keep this knowledge in the front of our heads, period. No one has a perfect situation in life. What a difference it made when I finally reached that understanding. Resentment shows it's ugly head every once in a while, then I move it along. Why waste my time on resentment when I can be productive either for myself or my family?!
Accepting ADD Damage
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Thank you for posting your feelings on this - you are experiencing what many, many readers on this site also experience. There is no doubt that one of the first parts of recovering from what I call the "tyranny of ADD" is mourning for what is lost and what could have been. (Note here - what could have been is often better than what would actually have been under different circumstances because it is all in our imagination...so we of course err on the side of what we would have liked to have happened.) I spent close to 15 years growing increasingly unhappy with at least some of the things you mention in your note...and the last several of those were during a time when we knew that my husband had ADD but hadn't figured out yet how to overcome it and live with it well. You have had a particularly bad confluence of events - unemployment for him, multiple jobs for you, and serious health problems for both of you.
I would argue, however, that your mind is getting in your way now much more than your actual situation. I'm not downplaying what are likely continued irritations that your husband's ADD can cause when I say this. Rather, your note is full of resentment held over from past events and your mind has focused in on these (and, probably, a fear that what has happened in the past could happen again...which it might, if you don't get your mind in order around these issues). To be the healthiest possible couple, not only does your husband need to take control of his ADD, but you need to make sure that your dread of his ADD doesn't take control of you. Right now, you are interfering with forward progress for the two of you as much as he might be.
I would like you to see if a new attitude about where you have been might help you both move forward. Start thinking about your life this way: "What has happened in the past has been really, really hard, but the worst is over. I've finally gotten the treatment that I need and my husband is working, treating his ADD and treating his depression. We have survived these awful experiences and are still here to tell the tale and, hopefully, rebuild our lives. Even though what has happened in the past scares me, I do love my husband and want to work to make today and tomorrow better than yesterday."
You yourself have identified what your biggest issue is right now. It's not your husband's current status at work or at home that is hurting your relationship, it's your "resentment is tearing our marriage apart". Your therapist isn't talking to you about schedules and housework because she's dense...I think she's doing it because she is trying to get you to move on. Resentment creates chemicals in your brain that take a very, very long time to subside...and therefore can color every interaction you have with your husband. You may think that you are holding in your feelings until the next therapy session, but it's quite possible that he is reading your signals, in any event. It may be why, in fact, he thinks it's important to reinforce how much he appreciates you (your disatisfaction makes him nervous).
I will try to give you some perspective here by telling you a story about myself and depression. I am an incredibly strong person - if you met me you would undoubtedly agree. If anyone could "force" themselves to do something for the good of someone they love (and even for the good of herself) it would be me. Yet I became depressed as I dealt with my marriage issues and simply couldn't do it. Depression paralyzes you. You can't imagine not working, and you can't imagine that your husband didn't love you enough to force himself to get back to work. But you haven't been depressed. I wouldn't have been able to imagine it, either...until I experienced depression myself. I want to reassure you that your husband's inability to get himself back to work has nothing to do with how much he loves you, or whether or not he will be able to find a job in the (undepressed) future should he need to. Don't resent HIM - resent the illness, for that' what depression certainly is. Certainly someone with health issues as you have could be empathetic towards someone who was "held hostage" by an illness? It wasn't his choice to become depressed but, happily, he is now working through it. In the future, you and he will want to keep close tabs on whether or not he is sinking back into depression...and effectively treating his ADD will help ensure that he doesn't.
Other ways to start trying to think positively - you haven't been able to buy a house...yet today perhaps that isn't so bad (look how many people bought houses that they couldn't really afford and are now losing their equity, too). You are paying interest for his car because you couldn't afford the loan in a bad time...that's not great, but not the end of the world. See if you can find a way to pay off that loan ASAP to get that off your back.
You ask the question "how am I supposed to forget it happened?" The simple answer is that you aren't. You won't ever forget that you had this terrible period. Instead, you need to mourn it, accept it, and forgive him (and, possibly yourself for your lingering resentment). Understand what happened - he has been learning about his issues, you have been growing angry and resentful (even if you don't share that with him). You both did your best with the tools that you had at the time...the question is are you going to use your NEW tools to do better tomorrow?
I don't know lots about your situation, and if you are willing to share more of it I would be happy to give you more specific advice than this, but here's a starter:
Please let us know how you are progessing and keep up the questions.
More on my circumstances
Submitted by Sueann on
Of course, the biggest fear is that he will go back to being the way he was, that one day he will just decide not to go to work again, and I'll have to support him because my name is on the lease, car note, etc. That's what happened before, and I didn't pay his car note because I could not afford it, and it didn't have my name on it.
The problem is that this depression begain immediately after we got married. We married in April and by July, he was not doing his job the way he was supposed to and got fired. Why is a marriage eagerly sought so depressing? If he can decide not to do his job correctly, can't he decide not to do marriage correctly (cheat or whatever, not that he's given me any indication he would do that). It means to me, he is a person with no honor. I ALWAYS do my best at whatever I do. If he couldn't do that job, he should have discussed it with me, and quit.
Years ago, I was depressed as a result of a medication I took for hypertension. I was suicidal (wrote notes, and bought the means to end my life) BUT I STILL WENT TO WORK AND DID A GOOD JOB. I could not imagine being so dishonorable as to leave my boss hanging. That's why I can't understand how my husband managed to let depression immoblilze him.
I have effects from this that won't ever get better. Teeth damaged beyond repair, and a foot that will hurt the rest of my life because he dropped a bookcase on it while we were moving to this house that I hate. I don't know how I am supposed to say that these things don't hurt, when they do and always will. I wouldn't be expected to live with a person who had caused me so much permanent pain by hitting me, so why is it ok to live with someone who damaged me permanently, physically, by his ADD behaviors? Forgiveness, to me, means saying what he did is all right. How can I do that?
Sueann-forgiveness
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Forgiveness
Submitted by Puckmania (not verified) on
More for SueAnn
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Has he ever indicated to you that your marriage and his depression are linked, or are you just assuming that because of the timing? One thing I've learned with ADD - don't associate two events unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they should be associated.
If you had suicidal thoughts that you were ready to act upon, then you know just how debilitating depression can be. It is a wonderful thing that you got through it, and got to the root of your depression (and isn't it great to be able to pinpoint the cause as a medication, rather than something unknown?!) But people respond to depression differently, and just because you responded one way doesn't mean he will. To not let him respond in his own way is to discount him as a person - an act of disrespect, which I suspect that you don't realize you are making (for certainly someone who wishes to be respected also tries her hardest to respect others around her).
You have suffered a great deal, there is no doubt. But your resentment and anger are hurting YOU much more than him. Please give Dr. Hallowell's book "Dare to Forgive" a try. The worst thing that happens is that you've spent a few hours reading it. But perhaps you will find in his words the strength to view the act of forgiveness in a different light - one that will help you be healthier as a person.
And on the topic of forgiveness, I will continue to disagree with you. Forgiveness does not mean that what someone did was all right. My husband has forgiven me for my affair...but that doesn't mean that it was okay. I understand why I had the affair, and I have apologized for it, and we have both accepted it...but that doesn't make the affair all right...it just puts it in its place...in the past. Until you forgive your husband for your past, you will be living with not only the physical reality of it (the bad teeth, bad foot) but also the mental anguish of it every day. Do you wish to put yourself through that? Wouldn't it be better if you could move on? (If either my husband or I had forced ourselves to live with the anguish of our mutual affairs every day I can guarantee you that we would now be divorced AND our lives would be far worse.)
Reply to Melissa
Submitted by Sueann on
Melissa, you always give me lots to think about and I thank you for it.
Suppose you had to live next door the man you had an affair with, or the woman your husband had an affair with? That's what it's like for me. My foot will always hurt, my teeth will always hurt. How can I put that in the past? It's not IN the past, it's my present and my future.
I feel like if I forgive my husband for behavior that so damaged the quality of my life, he'll feel like he has permission to do it again. When I had to spend a semester's tuition money to get the car out of impound, I was furious and let him know it. The next time the car broke down, he actually called the 800 number and got it towed and it didn't cost us anything. If I had been all sweet and lovey-dovey and said, "that's ok, I don't mind waiting another year to graduate so you didn't have to make a phone call" he would have done it again. The only consequence to him is for me to be ANGRY about it (and I am). He hasn't dropped any more furniture on my feet, or served me any more nails, and I feel that was because I was angry when he did those things. If you have any other ideas how I can protect myself, I'd love to hear them, but right now being angry seems like the only protection.
OK, I'll try it
Submitted by Sueann on
I went ahead and ordered the book you talk about from eBay. We don't have the option of using our public library because of vast library fines. How ADD is that?
I still feel I need to be angry at all the wrongs that have been done to me, in order for there to be consequences for him when he hurts me. If I make it seem like whatever he dishes out is OK with me, what incentive does he have to behave in a way that's safe for me?
I'll try to read the book but I work full-time and go to school.
To SueAnn
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I'm glad you ordered the book and I really hope you read it. "Letting go" (or forgiving) is quite different from "letting him get away with it" and Dare to Forgive will help you differentiate between the two.
Dare to Forgive book
Submitted by Sueann on
I've leafed through the book, but I haven't yet seen anything about my issue. I don't see anything about how to protect yourself from the person who wronged you, and might continue to. If I forgive him, or if I don't, what keeps him from doing it again?
My life depends on him NOT exhibiting ADD behaviors, in other words, going to work, doing a good job and keeping the insurance on me. When he chose not to, he endangered my life, very literally. How can I ever feel safe? How can I ever turn down my street and not expect to see his car, because he got fired (again)?
Resentment
Submitted by marsha5 on
Sueann, your anger and resentment is something I really can relate to. I have been in some very, very dark places where those feelings have consumed me to the point of being ill. Not only did I feel the relationship was over, I felt my resentment was so deep and so unresolved, that no one could help me. The layers and layers of anger and resentment were so englfing, and then I'd be so angry that the first issue was never resolved properly and now issue #3,456 has happened. One piece of advice I kept getting was to "let it go....." and I felt that the next person who said that to me was going to have my fist in their face because that "let it go" sounded more like "let him walk all over you" or "he gets a free pass" or "your strife really isn't that important" or "why are you making such a big deal about it" or "you don't get any validation."
I believe strongly that each person must find what works for them -- what works for one person may do nothing for another. But I do want to share that, to my total surprise and wonderment, I did find a way to let go that works for me, and it's done wonders for me. It includes knowing that if I choose to let go, I can choose to take back -- and I can take back any time, that I am in control of this letting go thing, I make the rules for myself. And I get to just say no to letting go of certain things if I choose.
In this time period I have learned so much about my anger -- and I'm only talking about myself here, I'm not in any way suggesting that we share the same issues -- but I learned and saw how pissed off I am about all obstacles, and about all people who hindered me instead of supporting me, and how f*-ing difficult every little step of progress has been. So angry.
I'm still working on it.
Leave him. It sounds like
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
Thanks for the response. I'm
Submitted by Shelley (not verified) on
resentment, embarassment of ADHD spouse
Submitted by Shelly (not verified) on
Unfortunately I will have a
Submitted by Heather (not verified) on
To Heather
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Are you putting off the wedding? You don't say.
There is something called "hyperfocus" that you need to be aware of - its the ability of a person with ADD to focus completely upon something of importance to them...until they no longer can, or until the pressure to do so (internal or external) subsides. Sounds as if your fiance has been hyperfocusing on your desires. However hyperfocus is not a long-term solution, as it can't be sustained forever, so you need to address the underlying structural issues in your relationship.
You should ask yourself some questions - does everything HAVE to "get done"? Can you learn to give yourself the days off that you need regardless of the endless tasks ahead of you (this pile of endless tasks goes on forever...and gets worse with kids. Those who survive it are those who can put it aside every once in a while without feeling guilty). Are you jumping to conclusions too quickly about how he will manage his ADD based upon fears that you have about your future? Dealing with ADD can take a while...lots of effort over lots of time. Has he had that time? Do you think that you can "be easy" with him, even though he has quirks?
The best relationships that include ADD are those in which each spouse cherishes the special things that they bring to the relationship - some of which are directly a result of ADD. The worst relationships are those in which one spouse is beating the other to become non-ADD (and the ADD spouse is fighting back). This doesn't mean that having ADD gives you a free pass to being irresponsible, but that ADD that is controlled is viewed by both spouses as generally being a positive (or at least neutral) rather than a negative. If you aren't there yet at this very early stage in your relationship you should be thinking long and hard about who the two of you are and what you both might need.
You won't be doing him any favors by marrying him before you two have dealt with this more fully. He deserves to be loved by someone who cherishes him...and you deserve to be loved by someone who cherishes you.
Hello, I don't know how much
Submitted by Jan (not verified) on
As I write this my husband is
Submitted by Lavoshka (not verified) on