How do I be different?

I (35M ADHD) and my husband (35M non-adhd) have been together 10 years, 5 married. 

We have been going through the same issues for years. We have been going up and down in this same cycle for years and we are both at our wits end. 


I do something upsetting, disrespectful, unthoughtful to him.

He gets mad and depressed and explains exactly how he feels and what I did to be shitty. 

I understand how he feels and am feeling sad and sorry and empathetic to how he feels and agree that I did something wrong. 

I then say how I don't want to do that, how I want to be in the future, try to explain my intentions and how "I didn't mean to do that/treat you like that/make you feel that way". 

He gets angry.. cools down enough to try to make things work.

I am in panic, hyper focus mode, I am stressed. Trying to Read amd find all info I can to be different. 

Then things feel like they are getting better, time has passed, we have 'normal' days, we have 'fun' together. 

I stop working on myself and don't remember what I'm doing. 

I do the same thing that makes him mad.

Cycle starts again. 

This is the basic outline of what happens. 

I have be n diagnosed about a year ago, have been on medication, have been going to a Cognitive behavioral therapist for a year. Nothing seems to be helping. I get that I can just be me and I'm not trying hard enough. I feel like I am trying, but I need to try differently. 

Why I suck:

Sleep in and don't get out of bed = our day's timeline is off and we can't do all we wanted. Lazy. Waste time sleeping all day. 

Don't plan for things trips, like what we will do throughout the day, I would just wing it.

Don't remember

Don't treat him with respect 

Don't show gratitude and understanding of his sacrifices for something I want. 

No drive or will power

No self discipline, he always has to be the moral/responsible one

Not doing anything to be different, not different. 

Not choosing him, putting him first. 

No thought for him when he is away

Bad with money/saving money long term 

No hierarchy for topics/importance of things, arguing about little things/off topic/tangents 

Do not respect boundaries, when he says no I continue to push

Go on tangents during arguments and poke holes in things he says so I can have a 'win' for more 'right' when it's not what we are talking about even. 

What do I do? I'm looking for someone to help with my ADHD. Therapist say to see marriage counseling. Idk how that will help? 

I can have epiphanies every day after a fight but it does not help. I can see why I'm not doing well but I can't seem to recognize or remember in the moment. Like I'll do something and then be like oh shit I messed up and he gets upset and we start the cycle. 


I'm pretty depressed. He is depressed. We are talking about divorce. I feel like I want to not exist anymore.