How do I deal with the constant negativity?

I am new to this forum. When I read so many of the posts, I felt a lot of relief. It was as if I was reading a mirror image of our life.  What I don't understand is why people with ADD or ADHD can't see the havoc they are causing.  The tension in our house is ridiculous. He is terrible at doing household chores and admittedly I am worn to the nub. The frustration level with my spouse is hitting an all time high. Tempers are flaring. My parents, who live with us due to my Mother's disability, are fed up with his behaviour. They are ready to sell the house and go our separate ways just to be rid of seeing him and how he speaks to me.  When I confront him with how he speaks to me, others, his seeming inability to take up his responsibilities as a husband, father and homeowner, he just throws it back at me.  He cannot take any amount of criticism. No matter what I say or how I say it is wrong.

He is also the most negative person lately. He always has been a little dark and negative, but it just seems to be getting worse. When our son, who is almost 2, get tired and cranky and wants his daddy, instead of soft, soothing tones, all I hear is Why can't you just go to sleep. Always negative. I have my days like that, but this is all the time with him. Never a night different. I try to do it all, but I can't. I am one person. I feel like the weight of everything is on me. I can't trust him to look after our son, who is extremely active and into everything and a climber. Many times I have caught him watching t.v or playing a video game and igonoring our son. When I catch him, our son is usually crying or getting into something he shouldn't.  I have the right to be able to have some me time. I need to get a part time job and I am utterly afraid to as I know the house will fall apart. My husband simply can't be trusted to look after things properly.  He has yet to be officially diagnosed with ADD but I am sure that is what he is suffering from. A previous psychiatrist felt that is what he had, but all he did was push pills and never actually sat and talked with my husband.

I am frustrated beyond belief. I love him dearly. He really is a decent guy. But I am not sure how much more I can take of the messiness, not helping, bad manners and behaviour, etc. It is wearing on me. I feel like I am mother to both my son and husband. No one feels they can talk to him. So everyone come to me and vents on me.  I get it all.He gets nothing.

Am I wrong to feel this way.

any advice would be great as right now it feels like the house, our family and our marriage is spinning out of control.

Leslie

You're definitely not alone.

You're definitely not alone. Just today I tried to explain to my husband how hurt I was over something he did...and he IMMEDIATELY accused me of nagging him. The line " He cannot take any amount of criticism. No matter what I say or how I say it is wrong." that is exactly what I told him today..."there is no 'right' way to say anything to you if it pertains to something you've done that is hurtful to me" There is never a good time to 'talk', there is never a good time to open the lines of communication. They've completely shut down. He wants me to just SAY NOTHING AND ACCEPT EVERYTHING.

If he's willing, you need to try and see if your husband won't join you for marriage counseling. Having a neutral 3rd party to help with the communication brick wall is helpful. This started the ball rolling for us and got the ADHD diagnosis. Don't approach it as if you're wanting him to go and get 'fixed', approach it as something you want to do together to make the marriage better..and let the chips fall where they may. If he has ADD, any hint that you're trying to 'fix' him will be taken as you blaming him for everything and you'll hit even more brick walls.

Hope it helps to know you're not alone. (((HUGS)))

 

thanks for the advice

we would go to marriage counselling, but where we are located there simply are not any available that don't charge an arm and a leg. To put it bluntly: we can't afford it.  I have talked with him about the behaviour. That I simply don't know how to talk to him without him taking everything the wrong way.  I've mentioned how he simply has to try to pay more attention to our son. Our son is 2.  He doesn't understand about ADD/ADHD. He understands 'that is my daddy and I want him to play/pay attention to me."  My husband has been caught more than a few times not paying attention to what our son is watching, climbing on our running into.  One morning I woke up hearing Family Guy in the background.  Now I like Family Guy, but it is by no means a show that is appropriate for a 2 year old to watch. My spouse knows this, yet continualy will watch "his" shows in front of our son.  Our son likes Sesame Street, Elmo, Bear in the Big Blue HOuse and Toy STory!  I don't much like watching G rated shows a lot, but as a parent you have to suck it up buttercup!  When we were outside, I was weeding and not in a position to be able to all of a sudden take off to catch our son if he took off as he is want to do at this age.  When you are bent over a terraced garden weeding it isn't easy.  My husband was outside watching our son, or so I thought.  He spaced out, wasn't paying attention and our son almost ran head long into the street. Fortunately there were no cars, but still.......you see my point. 

I am trying to obtain a part time job and go back to work, just part time. I am petrified of going back as I simply don't trust my spouse to look after our son PROPERLY.  I can take care of him, just not the way he is supposed to.  What am I supposed to do?  My parents can't look after our son all the time,  and neither can my spouse's parents. Besides, if my spouse is home, he should be able to look after his own son!