I've been struggling the last few days. We actually had a good day Memorial Day, involving more walking than is comfortable for me, but I give in because my husband and dog love it. We don't fight when we're out of the house because there is nothing that is undone.
But I am realizing that the point of being the spouse of an ADDer is to "fix" their lives, to make it possible for them to live "their best life" at whatever cost to the spouse. Because I manage money so well, he doesn't have to. He's not a wild spender like a lot of ADDers but he makes so little (in an entry-level job at 48) that there isn't enough money to meet his needs and mine. He doesn't know anything about the bank account (which was mine before marriage), I just tell him how much is in it if he asks. He insists on eating lunch out every day because he's on the road and can't keep food. And, let's face it, he's never going to understand how to clean or anything like that. He just never learned those skills.
The driver's side door fell off my car today, just after $130 worth of work on it. I had to tell the body guy to wire it closed and I'll just climb in and out the passenger seat because there is no more money to replace it, which is what's needed. His car (required by his job) is a 2003 and we pay $400 a month for it. My car is a 1992 and I paid $500 for it. He needs it for work but I can get by with a car that's 18 years old.
His meds cost $130 a month after our insurance. It's our biggest expense after the rent and his car. Now he's seeing a new doctor who wants to see him every week ($50 co-pay per visit) because he isn't sure of his diagnosis. Even after that, he'll want to see him every month. I need surgery but we can't afford the $4000 deductible, so I just continue to suffer. I feel like I don't exist. I'm just throwing myself into the bottomless pit known as ADD treatment.
Every day I get calls about bills we can't pay (medical bills not covered by his insurance or bills from when he wasn't working). He never even hears them because he can't remember the password for our phone. I crave owning a house, but our credit is so shot we'll never get a mortgage. I know compared to many of the ladies on here, whose husbands are crazy wild spenders (which fortunately, mine never was) or abusive, or drunks, that being poor seems minor. But I supported him for 3 years while he didn't work. When do I get my turn?
He loves his job and isn't going to get fired from it like he did 7 times from other jobs. It isn't his fault the insurance is lousy, most insurance is these days. I'm proud of him for working at a very difficult job. I'm in school and maybe when I graduate I'll get my own insurance, but I wouldn't be able to take the time off to have surgery. So how do I face the idea that my life is about keeping his head above water while I'm drowning?
Grab Free Life Preservers
Submitted by Nettie on
First, please don't apologize about feeling stress during challenging economic times. It is extremely draining living for years on a low income, especially with high medical expenses. It does feel like drowning, but there are things you can do. You are already doing something - getting a degree - fantastic!
You also have to protect your current support systems so you can finish that degree and build your own mental and physical strength. I don't agree that your husband can't learn skills like packing a lunch or cleaning. We with ADHD may not WANT to take the time to do those things, but we CAN. For example, give him a small food budget and introduce a personal cooler; grocery items will fit within both.
You've got to be firm with him and with your medical care providers. If you can't afford a weekly visit (in my experience, they almost always suggest that schedule to "establish trust"), then tell them you trust they'll acknowledge what is really best for your family - affording food and shelter!
Do what's best for you and your husband. I went through the whole process of discovering I had ADHD and developing wicked good organizational skills years before I received an official diagnosis. Suggest that your husband read and follow the free tips from a library book, Hallowell's "Delivered from Distraction" and specifically his Seven Habits of Highly Effective ADHD Adults. I have them posted near my computer, and they help!
What's best for my husband isn't best for me
Submitted by Sueann on
That's the problem. He needs his meds. When they aren't right, the people at work notice. They've threatened to fire him if he doesn't change his meds. No one cares whether I get my hypertension meds, that doesn't have any consequences to the quality of your work (until you die). Fortunately, I can take the generics from Wal-Mart's $4 list. He can't, new ADD drugs are brand-name with a $50 co-pay. I also get calls from his insurance saying he should be taking generics, as if I don't get enough harrassing calls from bill collectors. But generics had awful side effects.
I found a copy of Driven to Distraction at a book sale, but he says he's already read it, and won't look at it any more. We have no option to use a library because we owe fines we can't pay. (ADDer didn't return videos.) His clients complained to his work about his un-airconditioned car, they made him get a new one. No one cares if my car is air-conditioned (or has doors that open) or not.
We have tons of small coolers, he simply won't use them. He doesn't want food in the car with his clients.
I don't feel like a wife, a partner. I feel like I've just gotten a plate at one of those cafeteria restaurants, and he doesn't have a plate, he just comes and picks tidbits off mine, and I go hungry. I dont know how to change it. No one gives brand-name ADD meds for free, or prescribes them for free either. This site constantly reminds members what good treatment they could get from Dr. Hallowell if they live in Boston and are rich enough to afford it, but offers nothing in other parts of the country.
Fulfilling his needs just leaves no room to fulfill mine. It is so tempting to walk away and let my work and my money be used to meet my needs.
Buffet
Submitted by Nettie on
You have a great way with words! Okay, continuing the metaphor, then you are going to have to protect your own plate. Search this forum for advice on separation, if that's a route you are considering. Also, it helps one stay hopeful to read over long-range goals; it will fortify your reality to visualize success. Don't have them written down? Start now and focus on those goals; maybe you can positively influence your husband, but your main responsibility is to yourself. And, I know it's important to be realistic, but focusing on all negatives will pull you down.
P.S. Why not have your own library card? You are in school; get a school card or one from another close-by university. There is a more recent book: Delivered from Distraction. And, you can try a book exchange like paperbackswap.com and only pay for postage.
My ADDer has trashed both library cards
Submitted by Sueann on
For a long time, we only had one car, which I was unable to drive, and I didn't return library books on the bus. He didn't return them in the car, either. Now both library cards are trashed. I can use the library at school, but its non-class selection is very limited. I attend a community college in expectation of getting a paralegal degree, I already have a 4-year degree from a nationally-known university. Unfortunately, it's in history and that and $5 will buy me a cup of coffee.
It is hard to think long term when you are scared of daily living. All calls seem to be from people who we either owe money to or people who are going to cost us money (lawn mower repair guy). I have been sitting here just dreading the painful (and dangerous) process of climbing into my car and out again so I can get to the grocery store. My physical problems (not my husband's fault, of course) make it even more challenging.
The script in my head says "if he loved me, he'd provide for me and not leave me to do something so dangerous as drive a car with a broken door." I know he loves me, but does little to show it. I just don't know how to turn off that script. Separating is not really an option right now. If I'm going to graduate next semester, I need to take both day and evening classes, so it would be difficult to work enough hours to support myself. It's taken me 3 1/2 years to earn a 2 year degree, as I've had to work full-time.
I appreciate your perspective. You both have ADD and are married to someone with ADD. It helps that you are trying to explain how you experiece things.