I've been struggling the last few days. We actually had a good day Memorial Day, involving more walking than is comfortable for me, but I give in because my husband and dog love it. We don't fight when we're out of the house because there is nothing that is undone.
But I am realizing that the point of being the spouse of an ADDer is to "fix" their lives, to make it possible for them to live "their best life" at whatever cost to the spouse. Because I manage money so well, he doesn't have to. He's not a wild spender like a lot of ADDers but he makes so little (in an entry-level job at 48) that there isn't enough money to meet his needs and mine. He doesn't know anything about the bank account (which was mine before marriage), I just tell him how much is in it if he asks. He insists on eating lunch out every day because he's on the road and can't keep food. And, let's face it, he's never going to understand how to clean or anything like that. He just never learned those skills.
The driver's side door fell off my car today, just after $130 worth of work on it. I had to tell the body guy to wire it closed and I'll just climb in and out the passenger seat because there is no more money to replace it, which is what's needed. His car (required by his job) is a 2003 and we pay $400 a month for it. My car is a 1992 and I paid $500 for it. He needs it for work but I can get by with a car that's 18 years old.
His meds cost $130 a month after our insurance. It's our biggest expense after the rent and his car. Now he's seeing a new doctor who wants to see him every week ($50 co-pay per visit) because he isn't sure of his diagnosis. Even after that, he'll want to see him every month. I need surgery but we can't afford the $4000 deductible, so I just continue to suffer. I feel like I don't exist. I'm just throwing myself into the bottomless pit known as ADD treatment.
Every day I get calls about bills we can't pay (medical bills not covered by his insurance or bills from when he wasn't working). He never even hears them because he can't remember the password for our phone. I crave owning a house, but our credit is so shot we'll never get a mortgage. I know compared to many of the ladies on here, whose husbands are crazy wild spenders (which fortunately, mine never was) or abusive, or drunks, that being poor seems minor. But I supported him for 3 years while he didn't work. When do I get my turn?
He loves his job and isn't going to get fired from it like he did 7 times from other jobs. It isn't his fault the insurance is lousy, most insurance is these days. I'm proud of him for working at a very difficult job. I'm in school and maybe when I graduate I'll get my own insurance, but I wouldn't be able to take the time off to have surgery. So how do I face the idea that my life is about keeping his head above water while I'm drowning?