I'm new on here and have been reading many, many of the posts and getting a lot from most of them.
I think that Melissa’s class would help my husband and me in our relationship and marriage, but I somehow don’t see him agreeing to spend the $289 or doing the work that would be required to make it successful. I’m pretty sure he does have a severe “case” of ADHD even without an “official” diagnosis.
My husband is 69 and I am 60. We have been married for about 38 years. I always agreed with him that he is "impossible" (his words) but I was able to deal with it while our 3 kids were living at home with us. Now that our last child has moved out, we are empty nesters and he is retired, oh, what a hell this has become for me.
I started going to a counselor well over a year ago because I was just so lonely, bitter, angry and miserable. Eventually H did come along and after several sessions the counselor suggested that he might have ADHD. H was none too pleased and replied that he didn’t believe that ADHD even exists. He did say one time long before we went to the counselor that he knows he would have been diagnosed with ADHD when he was a kid if it had been known. We stopped seeing the counselor because he asked H if he wanted to change and H said "no, my wife can just help me with the paperwork (meaning do the filing) and then things will be fine”, so that was that. H had agreed to fill a prescription of Ritalin, but only took 20 pills at most and it was very hit or miss. He deemed it useless and stopped taking it. Also, our 8 year old granddaughter was just diagnosed with dyslexia which goes hand in hand with ADHD from what I understand,so doesn't that mean that it is probably in our family?
He is “doing work” on the computer at least 12-16 hours each day, seven days a week and yet there is total chaos when it comes to our financial state. Needless to say, he gets very little exercise and it is so bad that when he finally went to a chiropractor and the doc looked at x-rays of his neck he couldn't believe what he saw, a bone spur going from one vertebrae, not to the next one, but trying to attach itself to the one above that! He said he had NEVER seen anything like that!
As I said, he’s on his computer 12-16 hours a day. If I complain, I’m accused of not realizing how long it takes to do all of our financials. I'm terrified of something happening to him and then I would be left to deal with all of this. I've asked him if we can work to downsize our lives and responsibilities and he has refused.
As for other ADHD symptoms, he talks excessively. But with all of his non-stop talking, he NEVER says “hello” when I come home or “goodbye” or “goodnight” on his own. He will just take off out the door and I have no idea where he is going or how long he’ll be gone.
When I do get a chance to say something, he interrupts me, finishes my sentences or talks along with me, saying what I’m saying. That is really unnerving. Every time he does that to me it feels like he is stabbing me with a knife and twisting it. And when I get aggravated and say “could I please finish my sentence” he has the nerve to get mad at ME!! And yes, I’m sure I say it in “that tone”. Pretty much everything I say nowadays is in “that tone”, I’m so frustrated! He interrupts other people too, but since they don’t live with him they just ignore it, I guess.
I eat most meals by myself, although in the last few weeks he has been eating more with me, sometimes once a day. Generally he just fills his plate and then carries it into his ‘office/bedroom”. We watch separate TV's and sometimes I can tell that we have the same things on because I can hear an echo. He is not capable of "lingering" and just enjoying someone’s company….at the dinner table, snuggling on the couch by the fireside or anywhere. He never ever did do that, not even in the early years of our courtship and marriage. That should have been a red flag, but since I am the only child of a single mom I didn’t have any healthy marital relationship to compare mine to.
This past Christmas our 2 boys came to visit for a week. One is getting married in April, so this was the last time we will be together alone. H ate dinners with us and opened presents with us, but other than that, it was “business as usual” with him in his office. It is incomprehensible to me how a father who loves his kids more than anything in the world, and I KNOW he does, would not spend every possible minute with them. But that is just the way he is “wired” I guess. And I know he loves me too, in his own strange way, but it sure doesn’t feel like it.
He has gotten a Fitbit and is trying to get at least 5000 steps per day here around the house, but he won’t even consider going to the gym where we have had a membership for the past 3 years (at $60 per month) because he says he can’t afford to take the time away from his “work”. He’s just too busy and has way too much to do! I think he works too hard at getting nowhere. If he could really apply his intelligence properly who knows what he could accomplish, but he’s just too damn stubborn to realize how much the proper treatment and attitude could help him.
He’s about 40 pounds overweight, used to drink a lot of soda, but is cutting that down somewhat and claims to be trying to lose weight. But the empty bags of Ruffles and Doritos in the garbage tell a different story. I know that diet and exercise and even meditation (haha – never in a million years would he do that !) have been mentioned as being part of an ADHD program, but he would never believe it from me.
Now is the time in our lives where we should be enjoying each other and traveling and having adventures together! There is no way this is EVER going to happen if our lives continue this way!
Is he capable of changing? Am I? He needs help and I do too! How can I approach him so we can get the help that we need?