I am wondering if any one has any suggestions on how to let go of the hurt and resentment that has built up inside me… I joined this site about a month ago and made a post about my suspicions of my husband having ADHD… well they were confirmed 100% and he was put on Aderall… the dose is low and though he has been faithful about taking them for the past few weeks… nothing has really changed or improved. I bought 2 copies of Melissa’s book “the ADHD effect on Marriage” and we each started reading it just days before his Dr’s appointment… so we are moving in the right direction… however I can't relax enough to be close to him anymore and I have such distrust because of all the lies over the past few years… especially over the stupidest little stuff… I feel very guilty for not wanting to be touched by him, and I understand that not all of our problems are the ADHD, but it has played a HUGE factor in all of it and the more I read the book, the more “AH, HA” moments I have about things that have happened over the past 6 years of our relationship that he has convinced me that were solely my fault… I do love him… but how do I get that “loving feeling back”???
How do I get that "loving feeling" back???
Submitted by wustygirl on 01/07/2011.
Let go of the past
Submitted by hope09 on
I've been wondering the same thing. If I can somehow love again then I can save my marriage. In order for me to get the "loving feeling back" I need to let go of all the past (and there is a lot of hurt, resentment and shock at some of the things he has said and done). I don't know how to let go without becoming vulnerable. I could never forgive myself if he hurt me again and I fear what would happen to me. How does one embrace love when you're guarded?
Unfortunately I don't think there are answers to get that "loving feeling back". For me, I need my own personal therapy to become comfortable with my DH husband and sacrifice myself once again for the sake of love.
How do i get that loving feeling back?
Submitted by Queenie on
Two the both of you,
Yes...there is a way to get those feelings back. Try Dr. Willard Harley at marriagebuilders.com. This is NOT an advertisement. I have been married for 23 years to an ADD husband and have three children with ADD (Two are mild though). I have been where you are....and after reading all of Dr. Hallowell's books and this website I understood ADD much better. However, I realized understanding it did nothing for me and my feelings of hurt and resentment. I too wanted to restore my love and his love for me also. For while you may not realize it, because they will never say it their love is slipping away also.
I have been following his advice for about a year and I can say I love, and am in love with my husband now more than ever. He still has a ways to go as he doesn't buy into any outside help. However, he is open to listening to my new found perspective.
But here is the interesting thing.....once I mastered the polices of Dr. Harley and worked hard to follow them...my husbands behavior has calmed down considerably. We never had problems with jobs or money. But he had angry outbursts, was very moody and as with both of you tended to blame everything on everyone else, never seeing his own faults. Most of that behavior has disappeared.
He is on Adderall (20mg) once a day, but doesn't take them everyday. He is likely a more mild case than some others but I still went through the feeling like I didn't exist, no external showing of emotions, moody, unfinished projects around the house, losing his keys, wallet, etc...forgetting appointments, not remembering what you said.
I can handle all of that because I'm the organized, get things done person, however what I didn't handle well was the attitude. Clean the house, pay the bills, take the kids to school, work full time and then he would come home all moody and get angry over something...yep....bad cycle.
You can break this, if not for him then absolutely for you. And here is the most important thing. It is very difficult to change at the beginning....but you have to repeat to yourself everyday "keep doing these things regardless of his reactions" and " It's the right thing to do, I'm fighting for my marriage". Don't expect anything in return for awhile. But it does turn around slowly.
I'm 100% happier today then I was 3 years ago, and our relationship is better than ever. They are not difficult things to follow, and make a lot of sense.
Care (meet emotional needs) - There is a way to find these out
Protection (Get rid of lovebusters, and start the Policy of joint agreement) - There are six of them, all explained in detail
Honesty (Follow the policy of radical honesty) - Explained
Time (15+ hours a week of undivided attention) - Also explained in detail
Get these four things done, consistently and you can restore romantic love to your marriage, even with an ADD spouse.
Although I will tell you that it is more work and takes a little longer but worth it. You have to modify a few things to fit with
the conditions of ADD and knowing how to deal with those issues but look into it. At the very least you will feel better about yourself and if your marriage doesn't survive you will have the skills and confidence to move forward knowing you did everything you could and that you are prepared for the next relationship.
I wish you both well, as I know exactly how you feel
The other side of your fence...
Submitted by Hypr1 on
I was drop jawed when I read your post. I am that ADD husband who has led his wife on years of isolation, with holding of affection, erratic behavior -- resulting in the loss of her trust and her "loving feeling". I fact, if you hadn't mentioned the book you are both reading, I could believe your post was made by my wife. I can't speak to your husband, but I can tell you some of these facts from my brain. While I can listen to my wife's hurts, and hear and validate them -- I really don't have a perfect understanding of how we ended up here. This frustrates her as in her world - it all seems clear. That I fell out of love with her. As I can logically understand that I just don't feel that way. So it is also very confusing for me. Because of the isolation my ADD and my behavior caused her - she says it will take some time. Time for me flies by, or drags by the second. My medications started and from day one I felt more focused, and aware of her needs. If I dwell on what has happened I'll descend into a hole I'll never climb out of. So - we are in counseling, and I am fearful, hopeful, and trying hard like I've never. I fear that I'll fall into the same "bliss" of ignorance and fail her again. On the other hand, with help from her, and counseling I pray we will pass through to the other side. The other posts in this thread say that forgiveness of the past is key. It's mostly all on her for that, I hope for me/us, it's not too late. Your doing great things reading that book together. I'd like that. I hope you guys keep it going!
Yeah, me too. I'm that
Submitted by confused60 on
Yeah, me too. I'm that ADD husband too. Hyper1, I'm in the boat with you.
My wife and I have been taking baby steps. I go grocery shopping with her on Saturday, we hold hands once in a while. I kiss her very deliberately instead of a peck on the lips whenever coming or going. We sit next to each other on the couch, bodies touching, when watching TV. I sit on a stool in the kitchen while she prepares dinner and talk to her instead of working on my computer. (Actually, I'm watching how she cooks because I'll need to know that during our planned 12-month partial physical separation.) We have mimosa's every morning, toast the new day, and suck tongue.
We acknowledge that we're working our relationship instead of focusing on saving our marriage. My wife has had an affair with a former flame and, with effort, I'll get past that. Trying to take the higher road and use my intellect instead of my heart. She has to get past my ADHD history, because I cannot change the past, and give me an opportunity to change. I need to take action to implement that change. Good luck to us all.
Submitted by SPCMcBride on
I was on a search engine tring to find ways to put that first site love back into my love life with my wife and i found this! I have had ADHD every since i was in school and i took aderal all of the time! Im married and i had no clue that adhd would have any effect in my marriage? In all ways i had no clue! what exactly can i do to help my marriage because i have a little boy now and it seems i cant put up with her ways and it really ricks my nerves so is it really me! I need prayers and answers!