As I write this I'm yet again in a scenario that has been the most common theme and reoccurring argument my husband and I have had for years. Just a quick side note, we both were diagnosed with ADHD as adults, about 2 years apart, and after being married for around 5 years. The argument is he will suggest spending some quality time together after our kids go to bed and that typically means watching a show we like together or being intimate. The point in the evening where we have adult time will roll around and either he or I will be too tired because it is late and instead of him getting stuff he needed to/wanted to get done before our quality time together, he's lost track of time in his reading or some show he was watching or scrolling on his phone. I will have been getting things I needed to get done before our adult time in anticipation we were going to get to spend time together and when the time rolls around I feel like I've now had this expectation not met and feel rejected and then I get mad bc it feels like I'm not important enough to him when I made sure to get my stuff done around the house so that I could be present for him and now when I bring it up I feel like I'm guilting him into spending time with me and he sees me disappointed and frustrated which makes him feel bad but then he gets defensive and in turn becomes mad at me for being disappointed he didn't follow through with plans HE asked for or suggested! That makes me even more angry and I tell him that's some messed up manipulation tactic to not take accountability and at that point it becomes a full blown argument and then he will just start agreeing with me or he will say,"yes, I do want to spend time together and when I said I wanted to make those plans I meant it but I just got tired and now you're mad at me, again that I am too tired." It also feels like he's being super selfish because he knew the expectation/plan he made that was set and agreed upon and he made enough time to do what he wanted to beforehand and now he doesn't have any desire or energy for me. I know all issues with ADHD and prioritizing time because I fall victim to that myself or saying I'm going to do something and forgetting but he knows this particular issue of doing that in this situation with me makes me feel as I've brought it up over and over but he keeps doing it. Which just feels like I get my hopes up just to be disappointed and it feels like only his time and needs are priorities and not mine at all. He's even brought it up when suggested spending time together and I've said you know how this makes me feel when it all falls apart, not due to uncontrollable circumstances or something and he makes all the promises in that moment it won't happen again and I of course believe him and then get told I'm being dramatic or too needy when the cycle happens again. I feel like my expectations are the bare minimum, if you say you're going to do something do it, if not then communicate something has changed but to make the change of not wanting to spend time together bc you rather continue doing your own thing just feels selfish. I just feel like not getting upset and telling myself, "it's not personal, he wants to make you feel like a priority but his ADHD caused him to lose track of time and he's going to feel guilty knowing he disappointed you again" that's been an excuse I've been telling myself for too long. I know how bad it feels to not follow through with something and disappointing myself or others so knowing he experiences those same feelings with this situation will sometimes make me just ignore it and let it go and keep my disappointment to myself but that also leads to me doing that too many times and then I finally blow up. I'm so tired of this feeling let down and like I'm excusing hurtful behavior. I don't know how much more I can communicate that and it seem to fall on deaf ears because nothing changes. I can't lower my expectations anymore than the bare minimum they already are at which just makes me mad to even type that. I'm asking for breadcrumbs of quality time together. Don't even get me started on the mental stress this causes for me when the quality time is suppose to involve physical intimacy...that becomes an additional layer to bringing up insecurities too. Is it just accept this is an ADHD symptom or don't accept it? That feels defeating if so.