How do I start acting like me again?

I'm the non-ADDer and all the descriptions on this site about the dynamic between ADDer and non-ADDer are outstandingly similar to mine!

So, I get that part... Most of us feel when we ask our ADDer to help out, do a task/chore, offer a common courtesy or spend time we get a mouthful. Attitude, excuses, "not right now" responses. And it makes our stomach just knot up and anger flares.

But how on earth are we suppose to change how we respond to them?

I mean, it's very human to want someone you love, and someone you think loves you back to care enough to pay attention to little details (or even BIG details) and help out or spend time. But what do we do when they can't? I mean they seem, on the outside, fully capable of helping but inside they can't. Or even, they used to help and pay attention but now they don't.

How do we continue to want to be around that person and give them love?

I'm all for hopping on the "vent" wagon.. but what now?

How do we change our minds about how things are suppose to be done, and when things are suppose to be done in order to accommodate our ADDer's disorder?

I mean, we are talking about a disorder and not some evil, defiant being who is doing this intentionally to stir us up on purpose, right? ;) (I wink because I've thought this on many occasions)

I don't know about the rest of you but before this relationship with an ADDer I was a very kind hearted, caring, compassionate, gentle and for the most part patient person who had their sh%t together. I think that's what drew him to me! But now I'm quite the opposite. I've completely stepped out of my comfort zone and into an area I'm not comfortable with and I'd like to get myself back!  Since when do I allow other peoples behavior define who I am as a person?? I want to be me again.... And I believe now is the perfect opportunity to practice all of those wonderful qualities I thought I once had.

But how? How do you get those qualities back and apply them to the very person you LOVE who's harming you the most???

Coping tips on how to not let living with an ADDer eat you alive would be greatly appreciated.