My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years and are expecting our second child (I'm currently six months pregnant and have Type 1 diabetes, so pregnancy is extra difficult). He's the partner with ADHD and generally manages fairly well. HOWEVER, about six weeks ago he signed on for a short-term contract job and it has put him in a total tail spin. The project turned out to be much more complex and just much bigger overall than it was originally described. He hates it, he knows he needs to finish but is procrastinating because he hates it, and (in my opinion) it has caused the total disruption of his sleep, nutrition, focus, and mental and emotional health that I started noticing about a month ago. I know things will get back to "normal" after he finishes this project, but the end is very much not in sight.
We talked a week ago about all of this and I asked what I could do to help him finish this project. He told me he just had to make himself finish it and would be done in a few days. Well...that didn't happen. On top of that, I attended a professional conference (I'm a full-time elementary teacher) this weekend. It was here in our home town but I stayed the night at the hotel for a mini-break (after checking with him to make sure it was okay). He had a horrific 36 hours with our three year old, mostly because he's a the end of his rope and doesn't have the resources to deal with anything right now. We were talking and he told me he thinks he's just tired and needs to rest. I again expressed my concern about the impact this project is having on him. I went so far as to say I think he either needs to finish it this week or just tell the company that he's not going to do it (which, obviously, would be bad as far as any future contract work from that company is concerned.)
Here's what drove me a little crazy: his response. "I just need a break. You get to go to girls' weekends and to your conference and I haven't been able to get away for time by myself in a long time."
I have not had a "girls' weekend" this entire year. I can't even remember the last time I went away, whereas he was gone for a long weekend in June and another in July and is scheduled to be gone in two weeks. I work full time (he works part time as a freelance photographer and graphic designer), I take care of our son, buy the groceries, cook meals, pay bills, dump the trash, wash the laundry, etc. I NEVER get to sleep in because little boy wakes me up each morning. I drop our son off at daycare each day because my husband has sleep issues and mornings are very difficult for him. And I'm quite pregnant, and increasingly tired.
Now, things are not generally this one sided and, as I said earlier, if/when this stupid project is ever finished I know my husband will eventually return to a better state and be more capable of fulfilling his roles of husband and father. With that said, how do I work with him to make things better when he doesn't even appear to see that the ADHD is causing major issues right now? I've suggested a visit with his therapist to discuss coping strategies ("I know all the coping strategies. They don't work.), a visit with his psychiatrist to see if he could get a short-term prescription for sleeping pills just to help him get some sleep until he finishes his project ("Meh."), working with a friend to finish the project ("He won't do the work the way it needs to be done."), and - tonight - just giving up and telling the company he won't be finishing the job (understandably not too excited about that one.) Again, I work full time and am doing the majority of stuff at home, too. I cannot do everything for much longer - I'm just too tired. So...any suggestions? :-/
(PS: We have Melissa's first book and have read through it together, and we're signed up to start the next seminar in a couple weeks. But any ideas that might help in the immediate future are much appreciated!)