How do non-ADHD spouses let go of the anger and resentment?

I've been with my husband for 16 years. He was diagnosed about 10 years ago with varying amounts of counseling and medications over the years. It's been a roller coaster of ups and downs. We have 2 kids which has added to the stress and responsibilities that have to be navigated. I get very hurt and angry when something happens or doesn't happen that is related to his ADHD. For a long time I didn't say much and just thought it was my job to be a good wife and be understanding. Then a therapist said I needed to tell him right when something happened since he couldn't remember details if we discussed it later. But with his anxiety he either shuts down or just simply holds his ground without being able to hear my side. He says it's because I'm so angry that he doesn't feel like he can discuss it. But I am so hurt that I can't calmly say what is bothering me without the emotion coming across. Any negative vibe makes him feel attacked even if I dont yell. But if I wait and say it later, he can't remember why he did it or participate in talking through it to a conclusion. So I'm feeling crazy and don't know what to do. Conflicts don't lead to any apology from either of us or agreement for how to handle the situation differently in the future so we have the same arguement over and over. I'm not comfortable with his defense being either a) I'm being unreasonable because I'm trying to change him and can't accept him for who he is or b) he didn't intend to hurt me so I shouldn't be upset and basically I need to get over it. How do I constructively state my issue in a way that helps him understand where I am coming from and discuss if there is a way to do it differently in the future that works for both of us? This parent-child dynamic is destructive and I feel stuck.