How do you apologize to the one who loves you the most, yet has suffered the most?

I have had a "lightbulb" week. Now, I have known about the ADHD for 2 years and honestly thought I was handling it. Even with meds, I became complacent, and quite frankly did NOT see the impact my trait was having on those I love the most, especially my husband. I ignorantly thought as long as I apologized for bad days or when I forgot to take my meds then my mouth would get away from me, that I was doing enough, I was owning my mistakes and behavior. What I have realized is that is exactly what I was NOT doing. God bless my husband for still being here, especially while he has been battling his own issue ( PTSD). HOw could I have been so blind to the deep pain I was inflicting on the kindest, most patient man I have ever known? When I would get overwhelmed or upset and couldn't calm down, then run off at the mouth, forgetting most of what I would say, he just took it. When I didn't understand why he was so angry with me or started to withdraw after 10 years, I blamed him. How do you make right what you cannot change? How do you right so many wrongs you have committed against the one person you KNOW God designed for you? If I could go back and do over my mistakes, basically MY MOUTH, I would give anything. Unfortunately, life doesn't allow for do-overs. Any suggestions for how to truly express my remorse, shame and sadness for the hurt I have caused him because of my inabilty to control certain aspects of my disorder and my arogance at not realizing sooner how much I had hurt him?

We are still married and not getting divorced, but I want to show him by my actions, words and deeds just how much he matters to me. He needs me more now than he ever has, the main reason I started really taking this seriously and learning to be better. My husband is the only person who has ever ""gotten me"" and I want to spend my life making up for any and all pain I have ever caused him.

How do I begin? Where do I start? Any real, heart-felt responses would be greatly appreciated...

If you're saying that you get

If you're saying that you get mad and lose control of yourself (mouth) then a really good place to start would be to give him a code word (bananas? rainbow?) to use when you start 'going there' and you MUST respect the word and remove yourself from the situation. Learning to resist your urges to spew verbal diarrhea is a really good place to start. I am not ADHD but had developed a very nasty habit of wanting to hammer home my opinion/point/feelings until I got a resolution (NEVER happened) or until I got it out of my system. This resulted in not only far too much wasted energy but a TON of damage to my marriage. It doesn't work. It only makes everyone feel worse. It resolves nothing. It adds to everyone's anger and frustration. I had to develop an internal dialogue and tell myself over and over and over again 'don't go there'. Just don't. How many 'healthy,happy' marriages do you see where either partner hammers home an idea or runs off at the mouth for 20, 30, 60 minutes? NONE. Sit him down and tell him exactly what you said above "I thank God you're still here. I know where I am going wrong. I want to start TODAY turning this thing around. It will take time and effort, but I truly want to change this about myself. I need your help. When you sense me starting to go 'there', get my attention, say "bananas" and you have my word I will walk away for 30 minutes and gather myself emotionally" Even if you believe in your soul that you are right or justified, walk away. It isn't about being right, it is about being able to agree to disagree and not treating each other in ways that hurts the marriage. Good Luck.

Can I just say, kudos to you for being aware of this...you're 1/2 way there, believe it or not, you've already overcome the hard part...SEEING your fault. This isn't easy for either partner in marriage, so pat yourself on the back for me! :)

 

blueyes42676's picture

Hopefully

I have asked him to read this forum. I am hoping he can find some understanding, and eventually forgiveness.  My husband has always been loving, kind, patient, and attentive. What I did not realize is that over the past 10 years, each event of my verbal mouthiness caused him paper cuts. At this point, he is so wounded by my lack of verbal control and impulsiveness that he is having a hard time finding forgiveness for me. He did see the huge improvement in my behavior when I first started medication, unfortanately because of my complacentcy and lack of focus, I incorrectly thought that meds one time was all I would need. Oh how wrong I was. Now, I am more stable medically. The doctor also added 50mg of Zoloft to help with the anxiety related to my impulsiveness and frustration. Let's be honest though, much of my anxiety lately is directly related to shame. I am so ashamed of how deeply I have hurt the one person who ""gets me"", who has ALWAYS loved and forgiven me. What I did not realize was just how close to the end he was. Now with his PTSD battle, I am afraid that he will choose either or instead of both. I know now what I must do to manage my trait. I just hope and pray to my lord above that he has enough love left in his heart to give me one last second chance.

We have always had a great relationship, probably because of his ability to forgive.  Now, with PTSD controlling a lot, his ability to forgive is taxed to the max and I am afraid that he cannot ever find it in his heart to forgive me. I love him wholly and completely. He is the father of my children, my best friend and the one who taught me that who I am is good enough. Because of him, I stopped apologizing for being me and have found the strength to move forward and deal with this trait.

Thank you for your supportive advice. Say a prayer for my marriage, for my loving husband and myself. I have faith and hope that we can overcome the hurts of the past and get back to the joys of loving and supporting each other. One day in the future, I hope to be able to post in this forum a story of hope, triumph, reconcilliation and love. I hope that our marriage can get back on track and together, we can make it to a new summit on this dreadful mountain we are currently climbing. I am an optimist at heart and I have a strong faith in the Lord. Let's hope my marriage is part of God's greater plan for my life, becauase the thought of going through the rest of my life without my best friend and my #1 fan is heartbreakingly terrifying to me.

 

** To my chipmunk, my husband, the love of my life~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you are reading this, please know that I need you. I want you and I ask your forgiveness, understanding and continued love. I will spend the rest of my days on this earth making up to you for the hurt I have caused. Please believe that if I would have known then what I know now, you would not have had to suffer needlessly because of symptoms I did  not know about or manage correctly. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you wholly and completely.*****