From the time we were married in 1990-2001, my husband held a FT job with benefits. I was the housewife with a couple of cleaning jobs and in 1993 started working FT also. In 2001, we got a settlement and that is when it all started. He asked me what I wanted out of the money and I said to never be broke again. I wanted to put it in the bank and continue working. He pushed my idea aside and he invested in everything he had ever dreamed of doing as a business and worked for himself. Everything he decided to do failed and we lost it all. I never stopped working throughout the whole ordeal, 2 years, so as to keep us covered with medical benefits. Now his resume if speckled with small PT jobs here and there and he is almost 50. His main income now id Djing, which he is excellent at, but Winter is slower. For the past couple of years, he hoards some money from the busy season and works a few hours a week at whatever temp job he has that year and never applies for FT work. Last year, he got a 15 hr a week job with a DJ office doing their clerical and sales for the office but the owner of the company told him that in the Winter he may not be able to afford to have him there. I then told my husband to not be loyal to this PT job and start applying. He said "I know, I know" and then continues to work there, sleep in since he is an insomniac and refuses to take sleeping pills. All this while I work FT to keep our benefits. Thank God that I love my job and it helps me keep my sanity.
So now it is Winter and as predicted, his boss told him he may have no work for him. He gives him a few hours here and there. For the past years I have gone out of my way to find work for him while he sleeps in, hangs out, contacts a few brides here and there to collect deposits for future wedding to pay for his half of the bills. I guess this makes him feel secure and then the busy season kicks in and he is the man again. So last month I sent him some jobs to apply to that were excellent and he hasn't applied. I asked him if he has enough money saved to give me his half of the bills and he said he thinks so. I also told him that he is getting older and it will be harder to find a FT job with his speckled resume. He brought out his past businesses and his experience but he just doesn't get that people want to see success and consistency when they hire you not to mention that my husband has no degree, he has a GED, charisma and experience due to the many jobs he has had.
So he has taken the month of January "off" and he has a free schedule for the Winter. Even during busy season, he has worked 15 hrs a week and does whatever he wants with the rest of the time. Somehow, it feels like he works 40 hrs a week since he sits on his laptop til 3 AM playing or being distracted yet he brings home a check for 15 hrs. He never gets much done that he wants to do, doesn't go to the gym that he pays for, doesn't have dinner ready for me unless he gets me take out, his projects go undone. Its hard to see someone with all that time on their hands and I sit at work wishing I could be productive at home.
I am trying to find a new way to deal with this since he does NOT listen, he does not look ahead to the future, he waits til things get bad to apply for jobs and then if they offer $12 an hour he gets disgusted because he has all this experience. Then he throws in how he can make two weeks pay in one Dj gig. It makes me feel insecure, even though right NOW he can give me his portion for the bills, when will that money run out? I have told him it takes a while to get a job from the first interview to they hire him and he just agrees but does nothing. He seems very content having no work, being able to do what he wants but I am worried, as I always am every year. It bothers me that he is ok with just getting by while I work FT. It would help us out so much if he had stability with income. I just don't understand this at all.
Others have noticed as well especially when they see him during the week and ask what he is doing these days. Today he is hanging out with a friend helping him chop wood. Last year he was going to dip into out tax money for the bills instead of find a job. How can a man feel manly like this? Maybe he doesn't? Is he afraid of failure if he doesn't get hired after applying to 30 jobs? He always has issues at his jobs due to personality issues. He is the guy who wants justice to be served at his job and voices his opinion for everything. He lost a great temp job for putting someone in their place eloquently after they yelled at him inappropriately, not only telling her but ccing the CEO of the company, thinking they would think he was awesome. I told him not to send the email since they would fire him and he said he can support us with his DJ money if that happened. It did happen. But why thnik that way? Why is it always the principle of the matter and not the fact that the supplemental money would have helped us? Who has 40 hrs free a week and is content with just getting by with savings? It is more than frustrating. I feel caught up in his vortex of insanity and illogical thinking.
Talking to him is pointless since he does what HE wants anyway and is caught up in a false sense of security since right now he can pay half the bills and feeling that he will ALWAYS be in high demand because he is a great DJ. I have always told him that DJing is a nice thing to be able to do but it should supplement income bit be your only source.
So, do I just sit back and watch it happen again and again? Do I stop mentioning jobs to apply for? He is grown, he has a high IQ, he says he needs to find something, then WHY IS HE NOT DOING IT? I know that I am going to be working until I am 70. He calls me crazy for even thinking about leaving my job since its a great job.
I feel like just letting him be and when things get bad he will cry again and self-loathe and say he has nothing to show for his life. In the meantime, I feel like throwing all my time into myself and go to the gym and take care of myself since anxiety and disappointment make me just go home, wonder if there is dinner for me, take a hot bath and go to bed. And the cycle goes on the next day.
I want to respect him and its hard because he is not fulfilling his role. I don't want to emasculate him since he does that to himself. I just can't see wasting 40 hours a week and being so self-confident.
Anyone have suggestions? And before you say meds and therapy, he won't go.